Saturday, October 08, 2005

eVerYthing mashed up into one post

Well hear I am back at blogging again.
Some how things seem to be slowing down for me at the moment.
Exams, spending time with my mate who went on her world tour took up my time are among the few that lead to the inactivity of this blog.

Whats new?
The latest event for the past 6 Sundays, I have been attending a workshop organized by KYRSS and an art gallery call Reka Art’s Space. Right now I should be working on the piece that I am to submit in about 12 hours time and I think I am a bit stump. Maybe I am recollecting whatever that happened in the workshop.

Alright what are these workshops about? The first 3 weeks were discussions on identity gender and sexuality and the last 3 weeks were meant for the participants to express their thoughts through art.
1.
The first few questions that popped in my head was what is an artist? But that question was in my mind long before this workshop started. Well the search is over, I finally got the answer the my question.

A man who works with his hands is a labourer;
A man who works with his hands
and his brains is a craftsman;
A man who works with his hands and his brains
and his heart is an artist
- quote from Louis Nizer, lawyer to Salvador Dali and Charlie Chaplin.

To me art has to be personal but than the matter of personal is rather ambiguous.

I got to say that going to the workshop made me spend more time in the library and I discovered Picasso other than Frida Kahlo who was always my favourite artist.
2.
Back to the workshop...So before I joined this workshop my thoughts on identity was that gender and sexuality is a subset of gender and sexuality. But now come to think of it if how you feel towards a person be it loathing or sexually attraction can mold who you are.
What I am questioning now is that what if identity is a large painting, Would the details that make out the painting consist of sexual preference and gender?
What makes the painting a painting anyway. The texture of the paper? The colors embedded? The scratches on the surface of the material that you are using? More questions that needs to be answered.
3.
Why would an obese person repulse me somehow? Some people feel pity when they know that someone don’t believe in God, or the God that they believe in anyway (eyes rolling here)

4. So what is identity, sexuality and gender?
Still in the dark but here are some Highlights from the workshop

There is no one marker to identify a single straight female (still really from the shock and will explain in detail some other time)

It grossed me out to see a daughter kissing her biological father in an intimate way but some how it wasn’t that repulsive watching her kiss her mother. Question. Why so?!?

Obese people don’t repulse me but watching human bodies being treated as cattle i.e hanging on the meat hooks really disgusted me. Thankfully I saved myself by switching to a third person mode. Thats when most of my emotions were tuned out.

Story that pissed me off the most was the story of a disable aboriginal girl who was raped by an officer who worked in a department who were suppose to take care of the aborigine’s rights and well being. Talk about ironic. To cap it off the only reason why he was found out is because she got pregnant Even then when asked for a RM 5000 compensation the guy paid RM 2500 and disappeared. Argh writing this down still enrages me. No wonder we need a fictional character like superman or spiderman. The Heroes of justice

Alright cool down …1.2.3.4.5.6.7 breathes deeply bla

5.
I think I am partially humbled by the fact that artist draw every chance they have and I have been lamenting that I can’t draw as well blabla and lamenting just leaves you with nothing. Still some how I don’t know but staring at the empty white paper and taking the first step drawing is somewhat scary all the time for me. Maybe its like the initial reluctance to jump into a pool of cold water when you want to go swimming. You want to go into the pool inch by inch but you know it is definitely easier in the long run if you just jump in the pool.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Are you An Artist?

Weekend workshop organized by Sisters In Islam (SIS) : - Artist and Activists for Justice
Venue : - Shah Village Hotel…beside A&W near Amcorp Mall
Random thoughts 1 throughout the workshop.

4th of August 2005

Are you An Artist?

No one would say they are an artist. Why? I think we are afraid to put labels on ourselves. Set up too high an expectation on yourself? Artist are an elite class? Is it beyond our reach? Unattainable? Low self esteem = modesty?

My take is that we got to be brave. Brave enough to face the critics. Brave enough to put ourselves there; In the line of fire.
[- - Ouch

Friday, August 05, 2005

Exhibition and road Rage

Had a pretty good night. The whole morning was spent sleeping on the couch pushing the dogs head and legs away. The neighbour is renovating and the sounds of the drilling and pounding….Jeez its torture so as you can see my days in the house is pretty bad
One week mid term break right now

Sun goes down ..and moon comes up

Back to the creatures of the night. Creative Chargers here I come. Was charging all the way to the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) Center when oopsie doo its Creative Change. Well I met Jac who seems to be the mastermind behind this project and had my Orientation. I really didn’t know there was an orientation. Well the orientation left me with a free teh o ais limau (ice lime tea?) and loads of interesting comments thrown with cussing from jac. I was kind off hoping to see how a meeting would go. A little disappointed but you can’t stay down long with good company.
The meeting ended

Reka arts gallery - exhibition by Sharon Chin = boats and bridges.
Sharon used to go to my high school and God damn my high school mates are there.

Don’t ask me why but I am just an anti social when it comes to people who knew me..ok ok I was angry and repress in high school. I was angry. I thought everyone was lame…except me ehhe. I was bored. Guys look at me weird when I played basketball. Ahh high school. I just remember tons of anger and good friends.

Well back to the exhibition so yea I was avoiding a couple of people. You may say I am stuck up but I just feel its all hypocritical talking to them. I don’t know. That’s how I feel.

So the exhibition opening night. At first I didn’t really get it, it made no sense to me (but that was probably the brains talking and thinking about the amount of people in the small space) I would say that there seem to be a reoccurring theme to the exhibition. The one that stood out would be the installation (is that the right word?) with barricade tape flapping in the air conditioned room. The piece that left the most impression in me after I left was this piece which….trying hard to think of a description. Ok imagine a big piece of liquid paperery white paper all grainy and white. Now scatter islands around filled with square block cells much like your little mathematics exercise books you used in high school. Fill the cubes with statements and letters and finally make sure everything is 2-D and there you have it the piece that left an impression on my mind. Its not so much visually stimulating for me but answering the questions written on the islands. Name 5 anatomical body part. Erm not too sure about that. Name 5 porn websites (I am sure its easy for some but all my mind came up with is zilch. Dead tone) Name 5 philosophers ooo I know that Socrates,Plato erm yea I know that …lala name 5 poets…Blake?
Anyway the point is it actually made me a little embarrassed because I couldn’t answer these questions (not the porn site one la) like 5 philosophers hello I should be able to and poets ooo is Dante a poet? Well anyway it just shows how ignorant I am and that is why I like that piece.


- End of exhibition –


Sister is going for her driving test on Monday so people pray for her. She took me for a drive and we were practicing her driving on the slope which is the entrance of the park near my place. Well today my sister got a taste of road rage. This guy parked his car at the entrance god knows what he is doing there with his girlfriend. And when he saw my sis stopping at the slope which leads to the entry he had the nerve to drive straight up and block her and whats worse flashing his stoopid beamer into her eyes. Naturally since she was practicing her slope, the car was at a stand still for sometime and me being stubborn I told her not to start the car…after all he was heading in the wrong direction number 1. number 2 we could have drove past him but no Mr. asshole had to block us and flash his headlights at us. me being me I was ranting and cursing at him in the car and zen like my sister sat through all my ranting. In the serenity of the house she started stomping and cursing him. Now I was surprise because I thought I was the only one pissed at him. Damn we could have taken him out…not.




Rage - boiling point

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Identity- Who Am I and Story

Finished this piece, Identity- Who Am I, at about 5am plus. My boobs are in there some where eheheheh.

erm i guess i should start on my writing exercise.Anyway the picture made me write this little story.

STORY Begin

“Where am I?”

I shudder despite the hot sun beating down on me.
I remember the first time I woke up in the hospital bed, the ceiling fan beat slowly round and round and everything was white and pristine. I hear a woman sobbing beside my bed.

“Who are you. Why are you crying.”
“Oh Sherly, Oh Sherly”
“Who is Sherly”

Waking up seems like a decade ago but in truth it has only been a month ago. I hear all sorts of things about Sherly. She is the most popular girl in school, captain of the cheerleading squad, and doing well academically. She was the girl that every girl want to be. Perfect.

I have the “greatest” boyfriend who is attentive to my every need according to my best friend Rory. Doug is nice about everything. He walks me to class and eats lunch with me everyday. Every time we leave for class or home he gives me a peck on the cheek.
This is supposedly the guy of my dreams and at this moment kissing him I feel no more love for him than I do for a teddy bear in the shop that I did not grow up with.

How long is it before the fa├žade would show? How can I go through it all? Everything is so perfect.

Everyone expects me to be the girl I was but I don’t know this person they keep mentioning. I reek with guilty for feeling this way. My best friend, my boyfriend and my parents, I think they aren’t really mine at all, they belong to someone else. I know that I should love them but somehow it seems as if the memories that are washed away took the feelings with it too. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way but sometimes I feel so lost and alone. Every time people talk about her, I want to run up and just scream at them. This is more than just living an angst ridden teenage life; this is trying to live up to an identity. The one identity who is perfect and yet supposed to be Me. I don’t feel like this girl that everyone knows. The popular girl, the smartest girl, the girl that has everything going for her, Who is this? Who am I? Am I someone else or I do still have remnants of her left?

God please give me strength.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Taking Steps

http://www.pakdi.com/blog/archives/2005/04/inilah_mereka_o.html

Went web surfing and some how I came to this site. Well if you can read Malay than you can get a better picture. Basically people are people and they are arguing about who is right. I don’t know how I really feel about this. Here are people from arguing among themselves. I guess in a way without argument things aren’t going to progress and thoughts won’t be shared but somehow people saying “My religion is better that yours” just don’t cut it with me. Its akin to saying that My car is bigger and better etc. Some how reading halfway through it just seem so petty. Here we have the poor suffering, people getting mugged, politicians digging holes and burying all their “extra cash” and the orang asli’s rights are getting trampled on and all people care about is who is right. Whose religion is better. Hell vs Heaven. I am no atheist but it seem to me that loads are people are pretty concern about where they go after they die which doesn’t really make sense because you only have one life and one chance. Why not make it a better place for everyone instead?


There are many questions thrown about but I think in live its easier to ask rather than get answers. Maybe live is about asking question but I think that the quest for the answer is more important. Hmm maybe that is why the word quest is in the word question?

Been thinking a lot after theater. I’ve been depress a couple of days ago but I think maybe its because a change is coming over to me. I’ve always wanted to change the world but I learnt to aim small and try and change/help(hopefully) the people around me; hopingly that I was doing my part to make the world a better place. Now I think its time I come out from my cocoon of laziness and make believe. Its time to step up and stop making excuses. I find myself drawn to NGOs and volunteer spaces (mainly web surfing). It may be baby steps for now but I guess I need to learn how to crawl before running. Today there maybe a meeting with Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) and this weekend I am going to a workshop with Sisters In Islam(SIS) . I know that I held many biasness and prejudicial feelings towards Islam but I guess I should learn about what I am judging ehh.

Paused to continue reading the postings…

Aiyoo people are so funny. Sigh-ing off

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Ponder on "copycat"

Hey ya. Been busy playing around with photoshop, editting pictures for my new blog.
Ok I shall not neglect this blog.

Thoughts on my mind

I went to class today, (I don’t really go to class often eheh) and my strategic management lecturer kept repeating this word, “copycat”.

Ok to be honest I was zoning out due to the heat but hey at least i know he was making some joke to prove his point. Well back to the story, so this dude he just kept repeating copycat.
It got me thinking (yes the heat may have made me sluggish but I can still think)how the hell did this word come about. I know I am guilty of using it too but why do we say copycat? For the non users of copycat, copycat means mimic. Is it because one is mimicking a cat or do cat mimic other cats?

Another word that us Malaysians tend to use is the word outstation.
For example “I am going outstation next week”
That word is a reminiscent of our colonial past but where the hell did copycat come about.

Anyone got any clues?

Saturday, July 16, 2005

announceMent : new blog Up

Hey peeps!

Yeap! Its been some time now since I whine and ramble on. Announcement
New blog up by me. Basically I decided to set up a blog for the times when I go traveling, sort of like a travelogue. There are plenty lots of pictures with sceneries, animals etc. so check it out. It’ll only be updated when I travel out of KL la. Ooh for the uninformed I went to Kuching for the past week and hence missed classes and partied like hell. Its now back to the grinding blocks. Sigh. If you want to know what happen in Kuching go to

http://jalanwithme.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

JulY 2nd - the Aftermath

I should be doing my assignment and here I am at 2:33 am in the morning in front of my PC spacing out.
Maybe it’s the fact that I am going to Kuching in 2 days time or maybe it’s the fact that the production is over I am not too sure myself. I know Ariff and Azhar are feeling melancholy that we would not be meeting up 3 times a week at the s.space even though it was hard on some of us.


JULY 2nd – the aftermath


Its over. What can I say about the production? Well honestly I know this is one of my biggest role ever. I get to throw a tantrum and share my vocal powers with the rest of the world muahahhaah. It was a little embarrassing for me at first because there were these hordes of little kids asking for autographs.Really embarrassing up to the point where I realize they probably do this all the time and then I just go with the flow. I think the highlight of the afternoon show was when the lights came up and the look on my sister’s face was priceless. Apparently during the fight scenes my sis had deja-vu of me quarrelling with mom and an incident where I ahem..shouted at the neighbour.

Neighbour incident
There I was sleeping peacefully when I heard little kids screaming out of the windows. At first I thought that they were just playing around until I realize that the insults were hurling in our direction. Those kids couldn’t see me but they could see my sis. Well basically I was waken from my peaceful slumber and to make me extra grumpy, I heard their granpa encouraging and telling them what to shout. Now that made my blood boil. In general I like kids and old people no matter how grumpy or whiny they are. Kids are oblivious to what is right or wrong but when the old man was the schemer behind all this racket I just burst. No need to tell what I said so there. That was my justification for shouting at the neighbour bleh.
In case anyone is wondering it , the time was about 1-3…pm. Yea I sleep a lot.

Back to the 2nd of July
Seriously though, the high was worth all the frustrations and time. I think our weekends is going to be rather empty after this. *SIGH*
The funny thing is no one thought of recording the play and hardly there were hardly any pictures taken. Ahh well I guess as Teresa said it will all live in our memories (not unless all of us gets Alzheimer’s diseases).

Other Plans
Anyway Kuching here I come. I think I am just going to spend more time with this most excellent group http://www.hospitalityclub.net/
and maybe I will just volunteer for Food Not Bombs. I always wanted to but some how never did got my butt there. Dunno maybe you will see me there some time soon.

In case any one is wondering if the nameless theater group is going to be revived, the answer is YES but I think all of us need a break for now so if anyone is interested leave a comment. Ahem sponsors for a venue to practice within the vicinity of KL city would also be greatly appreciated. Time estimated probably some where beginning of year 2006.

PICTURES

1-Stephan @ Azhar + Teresa


2- Me + Teresa + Azhar + David


3-Its over. William morphing to Ramon Raj

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

A Tribute to the diehards/hardcore

Uni has started aargh…ooo I feel sick…argh I am sick. Well uni has started for 3 weeks already and I think I am starting to get the hang of things again...sort off

On the night before class, my forehead started heating up and there was gooseflesh all over. As the night wore on I got a fever. I think its post holiday trauma. I just don’t want my holidays to end.

For all you folks out there, in case you didn't know, I had a 2 months break from uni and it was bliss.Sigh

Theater Sessions / People
Every day of my holiday was filled with eating sleeping and generally just going for theater sessions.
In a week's time, more specifically the 2nd of July, all this will end. No more theater for me for a long while. Phew.
Part of me is going to celebrate because there will be no more worrying about what people are thinking or how things could have been done and rescheduling stuff to fit theater in. Yet despite everything, I know when it is all over, I will miss the diehards who stayed on.

Teresa@ dickChick and all her far out comments that make you just go huh.

David@ Mr. K.I.A with his confusing mood swings; you never know what he have up his sleeves. It gives me a headache trying to figure him out.

Ariff the director that we… well I bitch about because he is the director and I don’t do well with directions. Muhahahaha.Nah Ariff is alright. I admire his ability to switch modes. One minute Mr. Macho the next thing you know a little cheeky boy or a makcik.

Next in line, Azhar with all his witty comments, quotes from strange people and poetry. This guy really cracks me up especially his laughter

The latest addition to the group would be Ramon. He has only been with us for a couple of months but Ramon is a necessary one as he is our sacrifice to the God of laughter and stories. In a way Ramon is our pillar that in a way keeps us all together. Its hard to explain but he definitely entertains us. OMG his stories. Really interesting.

Seriously though I really admire and respect every single one of these people for putting in the energy and effort to continue on with the theater program even though the company closed down. I got to say that Teresa is the nicest and most tolerant woman I know and I respect her for her principles and ethics. Hell she tolerates me blek.

Well I guess this started as a whingy little piece about uni but ended as an ode to the people that I have hung out for the past 2 months and despite all the drama and conflicts I know I will miss them all…except for Ramon. He is my housemate.



All hail to the diehards!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

StReSS, The PRoduceR, TheateR ... the dreariness that comes with paSSioN

Whinging
Stress.Lfe is all about stress I guess. I have been neglecting my blog because everything seem to be piling up. Ha excuses as usual but I guess drama in my life makes me feel drain. Some time ago the theater group I am with had a confessional session and someone said that I am hostile and I intimidated him. Well to be honest I don’t really know how I really feel about that. I think a certain part of me feels upset because that part feels that we can never hang out as friends but the other part just feel that its what’s necessary.

Theater - VTC to the nameless theater group
The history of it all since this is going to end soon

It all started out last year. There were about 10 of us and we were all under Victorian Theater Company. Well as time wore on and as more nerves were grated people started leaving.

After a while things just didn’t seem to be going too well. The producer is stuck in between paychecks and bringing good to the group. In the end the company closed down and there was only 5 of us. I was determine that we would have a production no matter what and the 5 of us started off with an energy that I never saw before. Before we all met up once a week but now we were meeting up 3 times a week and there were some that thought that after a few weeks time things would just disintegrate like all “Reformasi” in Malaysia but we stuck through. Undeniably I became the bad guy who had to push and shut people up but sometimes I wish that people would just listen.

As production date is nearing we have finally gotten a script and the latest drama is still about the script. Maybe its my fault for telling him that it was a piece of crap. Frustration and anger clouded me and that was my mistake. But hey at least I apologize la...

- The be continued -


Arrgh see why I don’t blog any more. I have become boring and prissy.
Well people the next time I think I will just blog down my story from my writing course... maybe

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Hunter Soul

Ohh no i am addicted to these stuff.Its all honeyBosh's fault ...arghh but this is kinda true though.





You Are a Hunter Soul





You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed
Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas.
You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding.
You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force.

An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people.
You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor.
People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all.
You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone.

Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul


Saturday, May 14, 2005

QUESTION : what makes you feel alive? AND split ends

Today is one of those days. I just don’t want to talk to any one. The masses starting to bore me. Everyone seem so intent on getting the latest gadget or worries about their image. All these little little insignificant things. All this makes me want to scream “Blardi hell surely there must be more to life than just this?”


Question : What makes you feel alive?


The most interesting reply I had to this question was strip dancing. And by this I mean he likes to strip dance. Fancy that. I am pretty impress. Never thought I hear someone say that.

For some its adrenaline like bungee jumping. Maybe it’s the fact that laughing at death makes them feel more alive?

Me? I feel alive when I am having a deep and meaningful conversation. It’s like I am a leeching up and sucking all their ideas and in return I give them back a great hurl of opinions and ideas that swirls and gets people stoned. It’s a talent I have. Yes, yes thank you (bowing to sounds of imaginary clapping) Sounds yucky actually. Back to being serious, discussing about the what ifs in life perks the imaginative side of my brain and I am not talking about regrets here. Listening to stories either real or surreal is just as entertaining, especially if one has the talent for uncovering secret and embarrassing incidents muahahahah…

aargh morphing into pink plastic long haired....

Ooo yea and being bimbotic can be fun too. Moving to an entertaining note, I honestly would say I feel alive when I am doing silly stuff or hatching up schemes to inflict on myself or other people. Ehheeheh.

Naturally at this point in time the bimbotic incidents that I find myself in just would not come to my mind or there would be a nice little story on how bimbotic I was/am. Although strangely I do recall stories about the bimbotic deeds of my friends pretty easily. Now I do find this strange but trust me, one day the bimbotic side with giant plastic boobs would rise above me and I will be sure to blog it down…

Some people would be embarrassed about doing silly stuff but what the hell you only live once. Yea so I am most alive when I get that motto in motion – when I throw caution to the wind and just do what I wanna do (within limits of course).

Being a bimbo and laughing about it later on.

(due to the nature of my personalities the answers are split, ohh no I just split my hair. I so hate split ends)

Friday, May 13, 2005

Back FRom The Land OF Laziness + Distractions (pictures as compensation)


Been getting lazy these days. What can I say my high school mate is back and I have to go for theatre group practice every Monday, Wednesday and Saturdays. That leaves little time for me to bum around before uni starts in mid June.

To be honest I am getting distracted by the glitz and bitchiness of reality TV ahhaha.



American Top Model Season 4 here I come.

So yea I am going to cheat. I am going to put up of pics me and my sis took today after watching Kingdom of Heaven at the cinema in Berjaya Times Square, KL.




fire at will - caught in the act




ouchie - hot stuff




inspector know it all - sis


Ok so the pictures got nothing to do with the movie we watched.

So what at least it entertains

Thursday, May 05, 2005

AngRy WomaN RaNtiNg

"I got no time la"

"Sorry dear busy tonight."


Ever felt that the older you get the more things you need to get done and the less time you seem to have for yourself?
Well maybe its because we get so caught up with our jobs or partners and you know what...

That SUCKS!!!

Yea say all you want.
Say that you’ve all grown up and you’ve got to take care of someone other than yourself. Say that I am childish yada yada yada.

My point is if you ain’t happy can you actually truly please someone else?

Take possessive lovers.
If your partner was possessive and you have a social life of a zero when you are together, won’t you start expecting the same from him/her? Won’t you become resentful or bored? Is this your routine conversation?

You : hey how was your day
Partner : its same old same old. How was yours?
You : ahh you know great
(Silence both do whatever they were doing before.)


Granted this scene can be so much more worse if anyone of them grunted a reply

Gawd I think I just died of boredom

Back to reasons to put yourself first.

What about your job.

Call me idealistic but I want my job to be something that I wake up every morning raring to go. I don’t want a job that I go to because I have to. The next time you are stuck in a traffic jam or in the LRT during the morning rush hour look at the faces. Do they look happy? No they actually look like zombies
(must be the lack of makeup and the out of bed look apparently I pull this look off really well)
My point is shouldn’t the factor in our career be made up of what we are interested in and not the pay check?

Ahh well I guess they weren’t kidding when they said money is the root of all evil.


*no trigger just felt like being an angry woman for today. Grrrrr

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Sitiawan Ah Mah

Ah Mah
I always had fond memories of my grandma in Sitiawan Perak so it kind of pains me to see her so weak and helpless. I always felt that my ah mah was a proud person and even when she could walk she never really wanted to accept help from anyone except for the rare occasions.

Yesterday my dad, sis and me when down to visit her. I would like to think that our visit did some good because when we left today, ah mah said that the next time that we see her she would be able to walk. I guess we killed the monotony of her life.

We arrived at their place (2 unmarried aunts and ah mah) at about 3:30pm and I was tired. Got on the floor and had a nap


DREAM
Ah mah was in a chair and she was trying to switch on/off a light. She couldn’t get up from her chair so she kept using a long wire and press the switch. In the end I couldn’t take it so I lift her from her chair and got her to press on the switch. When she sat down she look had a look of resignation and at the same time there was a sense of being relieved. I can’t remember exactly what she said but it made me tear.

“It's inevitable. The gates of heaven is open and I cannot avoid it any more. It is time that I walk through it"

Me about to tear in the dream... WOKE UP


I don’t know if it is a premonition but even before we went down I get the feeling that my ah mah didn’t really had much time on this earth any more. In a way I am praying that she live long enough to at least see me get married because I owe this woman a lot. Yea she spoilt me when I was a child and bought me junk food when my mom didn’t buy any for me. I know its selfish but I want my ah mah to be with me just for a little longer. I enjoy going down and visit her because it is a short vacation from the stress and ugliness of city life. I guess what I really fear is that if she is gone there won’t be a purpose to visit Sitiawan any more and I really feel close to my aunts too. There is a possibility that we won’t go down as often as we do.

Premonitions
There was a time that I had an ugly experience while walking to tuition and I told my parents about it. The thing is my mom sort of blamed my dad.

(Maybe she just just needed something or somebody to blame for the moment)
Anyway a few days after the incident I felt this strong urge to call home.

This was in high school Form 4

I called home and my dad picked up. I just asked him if we could chat for a while and at the end of the conversation he said that it was lucky that I called because he and my mom had a huge argument over the incident and because of that he was going to leave to Sitiawan until I called.

Don’t know just feel like talking about this incident :P

Makes me think that maybe we all have hidden abilities

Muahahahhahahahah!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

puppY PoWer - GeRMaiNe

Bartholomew she isn't
geRMaiNe it is and she spreads germs.
A real Killer she ain't
She is acts just like a pussy cat

Wondering what that was about?


Click on the pic of a closer peek

Isn't she adorable. Yea she kind of made my heart melt.

Monday, April 25, 2005

woRd of the day : CoMpaRtMentaliZed followed up with a dash of BRaiN MatteR

Say CoMpaRtMeNtaliZed


Everything is compartmentalized. In a way that is what we humans need to do to make sense of the world.

People in our lives –
Family , Friends , Acquaintances , Lovers, Enemies, Work mates ...


Friends can further be grouped into -
mates you hang out with, hi-bye friends, kaki makan (eaters united), bargain queens, shoulder to cry on ...


you get the picture


We all need everything around us compartmentalized or our brains would combust into a million pieces due to random data overload.

I like the word Compartmentalized. Say it. It kind of taste nice. Your tongue moves a lot

BRaiN MatteR

On a side note, apparently Einstein used only 5% of his brains.
Think about it.
If Einstein used only 5% of his brain power, then what about us normie people?
What we'd be lucky if we reach 1%?
Well maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that we don’t use our brains to the fullest.
At the rate that we are destroying the Earth I guess it can’t be too bad that we aren’t using our brains much.

It’d be cool though in a way. Imagine a super human race with “super powers” I guess things would be as cool/chaotic as Gotham city but then again we’d probably get bored and start doing crazy heinous acts… but then that’s me being pessimistic and having weird premonitions that technology would one day render humans lazy, weak and over reliant on machines.


Die Humans Die
0101 1111 0101

Now if I had to choose a super power and I only have one I would choose to fly. No more traffic jams or drunk driving for me all I need to do is make sure I don’t hit the lamp post when I am landing drunk.

Well nothing profound or weird tonight. The muse is taking a night off.

Over and out

Monday, April 18, 2005

RANTiNg : an androgynous world

Had a mamak session that churn out this little piece.

Someone asked me what I think the future would be like and I said that I think that in future it would be androgynous. Ok me being a duh person I didn’t elaborate and stated that what I meant is that roles between man and woman would be androgynous.

Train of thoughts ready for departure...choo choo

Then again scarily maybe that’s where it all starts from. If men and women would equal in all aspects why would we need to call each other men or women. I mean we are equal why even separate gender. What would sex be like? Would there be a national debate on equality if one person prefers to be on top? Who knows what the future will hold. Maybe we’d be so highly developed that we don’t even need to have sex anymore just project your acts of pleasure with whatever being across the room and there you have it.

Carnal pleasure.

Of course things would be way more sophisticated. I mean people today are disgusted with women and their hair all over other than the ones on their head. (Maybe it’s the fact that they are hairless all over and the accumulation of it ends up on the head) Why if men and women were equal we’d all be hairless and shiny except for the women with their long flowing mane which is the epitome of sexiness (and the only way to distinguish the femmes). I mean the conversation on who got it longer would just veer from the male species and there won’t be any more speculation.

Its all convenience in the future.

In the future emitting your odor (which emit pheromones, that is a meter of your sexiness hormones…supposedly la) is a boo boo. Ohh wait that’s already happening. It’s pretty logical actually. Everything is going to be sterilized. In the future with sex being too animalistic, all you have is mind blowing sex (taken literally of course). Why bother with all these smells and hairiness.

Imagine a world where men and women are equal and nothing to differentiate them.

Scary

OK finally I am getting to the conversation from the mamak session.

The above was an expert from the cynical and deranged mind file section.


Venue : some outdoor mamak
Time : 15th of April 2005,Friday
Reason : Bored high i got loose think too much and becoming a blabber mouth

Blabbing How roles are going to be androgynous?

Well I am all for feminism and its cause but at one point of time I actually come to realize this where does that leave men? Men have over the years been brought up to believe that they are the stronger sex and hence they should have more ‘power’ or say in the process of decision making. Well these days women are gaining liberties in the work place. Things are far from perfect today but this is the future we are talking about here. Gender roles are blurring. We have the new wave of men and women today. Women have choices today. There is a new generation of men who aren't obsessed with being "macho" any more (metrosexual men la)


Women are more emotional and men are logical.

Well what if we are brought up that way? Women are more emotional because we are allowed to. If a little boy were to cry society would ask him to dry up and be a man. Heck girls are brought up to be less independent. Now I know parents would shout and scream that we have to protect the girls from the evils of the world (rape etc) but I think its precisely because of this over protectiveness that makes some women rely on men or think that only a man can make them feel safe.Well I have been with a couple of guys and I realize hell men and women aren’t that different. I think it’s the rules society place on sexes that makes us bewildered with each other. Ok after all these raving and ranting I can honestly say I can’t claim to know a 100% how a man think. I do know that I get overly emotional get all crazy and give people a gigantic headache but I think the trick is control…or some people would see it as repression

Balancing Act/Yin and Yang

Maybe in the end it’s all about balance. Yea its good to be emotional but getting too emotional would just be too selfish because when I get emotional everything is about me. I fail to realize (ok or I don’t want to see) that I am hurting the people around me. It becomes all consuming. Yet without emotions would render that person no better than a highly developed robot because being human is to feel.

To love and hate with passion. To run away and then realize that you can’t run and block feelings for the rest of your life. To fall into the deepest pit of despair without fear knowing that you can climb out of that black hole. To love with all your heart and be hurt by actions or words. To learn to trust and earn it in return. To let someone else into your secret world every nook and cranny. That’s just life and being human.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

gueSS what dad got from the market

“Paik Yin! Paik Yin! Wake up see what I got”

I forced my eyes to open up and there was my dad standing next to my bed carrying a puppy in his arms like it was his first grandchild.

“I got it for rm20 only.”

I swear that if the puppy could talk it would “say what the hell is happening here”.

I really thought mom would freak out when she saw the puppy but I guess my dad’s enthusiasm germs caught on to mom. In case any one is wondering we haven’t named the puppy yet. First we got to figure out if it’s a he or a she. Ahh well I never was good with names anyway.

Well that’s news for the today.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

reunited with my pen and PapeR

How dull how drool my blog seems
(yes this is the inner critic that I should be packing off).

Everything is about me. Yes this is my blog but when I started this blog I had all these little stories to tell and I ended up getting caught up with my emotions.

Writing Class - reacquainted with the pen and paper

Today was my first class in creative writing with Sharon Bakar. It was really fun to have to use these fingers writing with pen and paper again. There is something very therapeutic holding the pen and materializing all these ideas down on paper. Maybe its because with a pen and paper a person is not confined to just writing in a set format like this.For me I guess writing down on paper would be a more personal affair. The fact that I use my own hands and those squiggly little un-uniformed alphabets are written down by me and me alone makes the written piece more of who I am as oppose to these cold and standardized fonts on the pc now. If this was a piece of paper this page would have at least a picture that I drew to express how I feel right now

Fast writing?
Write write write. Anything and everything in your heads goes. The rule is not to stop until the clock stop ticking. Your life mission is to pour out everything onto paper. No worries about grammar or spelling its just write write write.

Ring!The clocks stops

Its amazing with the ideas and stories that comes out of ones mind in that situation. The pressure is so intense and my concentration level was amazing. Yet I realized that the story I like the best was when I wasn’t trying to write about myself. In a way maybe I rely on writing too much to express how I feel that I lost sight of the fun of writing. The fact that when you write you make up these stories that transport you to some where else. It felt vulnerable to read out loud what I thought out loud at first but I am really glad that I did. All in all I guess I neglected my pen and paper for far too long.

I feel so alive.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

thoughtS & iNSpiRatioN

If only my mom knew what I had to go through to get the tickets to Zouk Friday night, she’d freak. Now don’t let your imagination go astray. All I did was hang around... actually more like loafing. but that in my mom’s books is the biggest sin.
"Why don’t you
(fill your particular loathsome chore)
(
m.c. clean your room)
instead of wasting time."
m.c = my choice

Yea at times I got to admit that maybe she is right I should do something more productive, yet when it comes to the times when it seems like I am not doing anything, I am just deep in thought.

What kind of stuff you say?

Mostly just silly stuff with the occasional odd twist of crack wisdom in it, but normally I don’t really share them. I think its because people seems to be so caught up in their lives or problems that they won’t be entertained or listen to whatever it is stuck up in my head.

Now some people might just say that I have an inferiority complex but in some weird arrogant way at times (as oppose to all the time) I just think that well it’s their lost if they aren’t interested. Well ok that’s just my arrogant side speaking but in all honesty I crave for someone to listen to those thoughts and discuss about it for ideas cannot grow without interaction it lies stagnant in my mind. Beliefs have been broken before but it becomes stronger if one were to find it again.

The major problem is finding that person who understands or can see what you are getting at.

which leads to inspiration


Inspiration comes in many forms but the greatest source of my inspiration comes from the people I meet and see everyday. Sadly what inspires me the most is also what I shy from. The hard thing about being in a long term relationship is that contentment can often be mistaken for as boredom.

Maybe it is just me. There are just too many facets of me for one person to satisfy or maybe there is only one of me and one story to tell but the story is stagnant without certain people to tap into the other facets of who I am. It’s like some people bring out the best or worst in you and being human is just what hinders the materialization of thoughts.

Who gets this raise their hands please.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

matteRS of the he-ART

Ever wish that things could be different from the way it is now?
Loads of us do but choose not to do anything about the situation because we are a bunch of slobs (me inclusive)

When it comes to matters of the HEART I think I am at a lost.
Demand too much and you put too much pressure on the other person. Repress and it all comes spilling out like a burst dam in danger of drowning whomever in its path.

So what am I suppose to do?

Someone once told me that being emotional is WOMEN'S greatest GIFT. Well sometimes I wish that I am not entitled to this gift because it sure hurts a lot. Even more so because it makes me need a person to be there for me.

I once had a person there for me but he is lost to me because of my jealousy, anger, envy, disappointments and frustrations. That one person made me feel that he understood my emotions and I thought that I can show him all of who I am.
At this point in time I feel CONFINED to a certain compartment of who I am. I am not whole and complete.
Sometimes it feels like a fairy tale when I am around him and everything is fine and beautiful. When we are apart I see the CRACKS in my heart and soul and I cry inside.

The problem lies within me.

I have WITHDRAWN my passion and I cannot bring myself to bond with him spirituality because I have lost part of myself and my faith in Love.
I am cowering in the shell of my heart fearful that if I let him inside again I will fall with no one to catch me.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

maStuRbatioN

People tend to associate this word with things that are embarrassing. But in your own private space, masturbation would be an act of pleasure for oneself would it not?

You know I had this thought, that maybe without masturbation, we would all go crazy. Given the fact that it would to a certain extend be embarrassing when caught in the midst of the execution but you do know that endomorphism are released into the brain whenever we orgasm. So if you think about it, people would probably be less stressful and in fact happier if they have orgasms at a regular basis.

Maybe in certain ways we are all so stressed up with living up to expectations with work, friends, lovers that masturbation would be a release sort of. The only time when you are pleasured and only your own contentment matter.

***Masturbating my brain cells***

Thursday, March 17, 2005

LoVe & cheating

Love is without boundaries so would gender be a limiting factor?
In a way I can’t imagine myself being with a woman because women are generally more emotional and I need someone to balance me and calm me down (ahah sort of like an excuse to throw a tantrum). I tried envisioning myself with a woman (emotionally not sexually) and I cannot see it. I just get the feeling that being with a woman would be sort of burdensome. I know I am not the world’s most rational person but really girls can be so petty at times.

(In case anyone is wondering no I am not talking about anyone in particular just a general group of girls)

Alright in a way I grew up disliking girls because they were the ones who ostracized me when I was in my primary school. The guys were more accepting and they weren’t as “sensitive” as girls. I don’t get it. At times it seems like women are their own worst enemy
.

On a little kiddy trip to my childhood
I kinda skipped school when I was in primary 1 and ended up in a Chinese school. In a way it is sort of like a nightmare for me in the sense that I only had one friend and when that friend said she didn’t want to be friends anymore, girls didn’t talk to me so I ended up hanging out with the guys.
Well I got over that whole I hate girls thingy. The 2 closest friend with me are women (can’t say girls any more can I). the one thing I love about guy friends is the fact that you can yak all sort of crap or do stoopid stuff and it wouldn’t matter. Jackass whatever.
Psychoanalysis : Maybe it has to deal with my relationship with my mom.


Here is a question if your partner cheats on you would you blame the other person or your partner?
Most of my girl friends blames the other one person. I guess I would take precautions but I would be terribly disappointed and hurt by my partner after all my partner would be the one who succumb right? Would I punch the other person? I don’t know. In a way I think Ramon is the longest lasting relationship I have is the fact that he is the only guy who ever assured me that he wouldn’t cheat on me.

Why would people cheat on each other?
Theory : Boredom?
I think its mostly because they aren’t satisfied with the relationship or themselves…

Go figure.

Friday, March 11, 2005


the finger Posted by Hello

the grumpy puppy and th esleepy kitten Posted by Hello

Saturday, February 26, 2005

What i have been up to

It has been some time since I last wrote. There are some issues that I have been avoiding.

Still am in a way.

What i have been up to
I have been sorting out myself. You see I am plague by self doubt and insecurities. It would seem that most people have that problem too but as of yet I am too self involved to make myself readily available to those that needs a shoulder to cry on. At times I feel that I am stuck in a deep hole that I personally dug and lie down willingly. The worse thing is the I know my problem and I am unmotivated to fix it. I find that I at times I am unmotivated to do anything in life. Especially studies. I can blame it on the education system in Malaysia but in the end it still boils down to me. I don't make it interesting for myself.
I want things presented my way. I want it my way and that is my fault.

I would like to try my luck as a writer but since I am plague by this self destructive disease of being fearful, I find that what I am writing right now to be not who I really am. In a way I am practicing self censorship because there is a part of me that is afraid . I am afraid that if I open myself fully (even if I am sort of “anonymous”) it would make me vulnerable. Yes even in this obscure world of the Internet.

There has been many times when I told myself and my friends that to open up to another human being would mean that you are a stronger person as oppose to one who do not trust and forgive another. Yet right now I find it hard to open up. It is sad that fellow human beings are mistrustful of each other especially city folks. It is interesting to note that trust is earn and not freely given. What I find most distressing is that when a person who opens up to people with pure and good intentions are often envied and surrounded by malicious people. I have a theory on why this happens. My theory is that people who are good and at peace with themselves often induce the worse of the people who craves it.
Alright I am talking about one particular person and I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

eVeRythiNg iS About ME + my Miracle

note : this is written in a some what confused state of mind which left me deranged. The end result seems to be in some form of poetry.

Poetry??Erm it claims not to be one.

Being - everything is about me

Got a weird feeling within me
And it is eating my insides.
I am choking on the bile.
Feels like I am being suffocated
I want to escape but I am tied down.

This is not poetry

But this is how I am feeling
Right now.
I am a frustrated individual
And this is my release.
Of some kind

I want to try new things

Held back by myself and fear.
I have stopped living on the edge.
The sound of rain calms me

As I try and find the words to express how I feel.

I am frustrated with myself

Then I get frustrated
With the people around me
And the World in general.
Than its back to me again.

Frustrated with myself
Because I feel lost and yet
At the same time swamped
With everything around me.
Everything is about me.

-THE END-

I miss the YA’s. I think going on long periods without theater makes me feel this way. Maybe its because in a way I need magic to fuel me.

I witness a couple of fashion shoots and I found myself fascinated.
I joined theater and I am hooked onto magic.

MIRACLES

I know people don’t believe in magic and miracles but maybe people just stop believing in it because it is all around us. In a way it is amazing that a seed can become a tree don’t you think so?
It’s the same with theater. I fell in love with theater because its like being on the edge of an explosion. You see everybody just pooling in all this raw energy which leads to the end of the line and there will be this massive explosion of energy that makes everyone smile with relief and yet there is a sadness that lingers on for the moment that can never be reclaimed. It’s the same feeling when I saw the fashion shoot albeit less intense as compared to theater.
I guess in a way what fascinates me is creation itself. It doesn’t matter if I was a part of it or just witnessing it.

It is a miracle.

That is what inspires me.

That is what fuels me.


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

what Is ThiS all About? iRoNy, HeartAcheS and ShuttiNg Up


Had a fight 2 days in a row. Yesterday I had issues with my sister and the day before it was with Ramon and my emotions. So which should I start on?
I guess the fights had to do with me as a person. When I fought with Ramon I wanted something from him and with my sister she wanted something from me.

BackGround Check

Before I go on, I should inform you that I don’t have a really good relationship with my mom. Moms are suppose to be supportive and look out for you. Well in a way my mom do too it just didn't come across to me that way during my teenage years and it carried forward. My mom has the typical Asian view that kids will always need guidance (I guess it holds true for all moms in general regardless of race and culture) and its not a bad thing. However I think there is a vast difference between dispensing advice and expecting a person to follow your “advice”, because in the end don’t we owe it to ourselves to live our own lives. If I made a mistake in my life, it's my mistake and there is no one to blame but myself. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway, making mistakes and learning from in. Growing from it.

Well anyway back to headaches and heartaches I guess it is pretty obvious that being with a stubborn mule like me means that the general atmosphere in my family isn’t all that pleasant all the time but I think we had our moments. My family isn’t the type of family who is expressive with emotions other than anger and reprimanding/nagging each other but still no family is perfect right :) Things could be worse and at least we all love each other no matter how much we argue. Ahh hormones kicking in (Ok I am making excuses again) ...

The fight with Ramon
In short (because it involves someone else other than myself) I had trouble communicating with him. I know that communication is important but sometimes it is so exasperating to be talking to someone who is overly detailed and can’t handle emotions. I agree that talking when you are overly emotionally isn’t all that good but sometimes when I am really frustrated or upset I don’t know what to do. Admittedly that I find it hard to seek solace in another and it comes out as me being angry so I probably deserve it but I feel so alone. I think I’ve always felt alone its just that when you had someone who was there for you even for the briefest of moment, you become painfully aware of how cold and empty and it leaves a void within that needs to be filled.

(Gosh this sounds needy)

Yes I think that is just my problem. Afraid of sounding needy. Afraid (or is it too stubborn?) of asking for help.
What I realize from the fight with Ramon is that to communicate is a 2 way thing. I can’t just try and tune in to his brain all the time. He got to meet me halfway. We both got to meet each other halfway. Having communication problems with Ramon made me realize that to understand what other people is trying to tell me, I got to tune in to them and meet them halfway too. I guess I have been stubborn and always telling myself that other people aren’t in the same wave length as me blabla and that is valid enough for me then to just shove them aside. Which on the side note make me lose out in getting in touch with people and ideas.

(Hmm food for thought…)


The fight with sis.
It’s about mom. I realize yesterday that I was so bitter. Bitter that my mom wasn’t the mom all nice like in the story books etc and she is probably bitter that I wasn’t the perfect daughter (which I find really hilarious at this moment because of the irony in it) You see I have in a way always felt that my mom didn’t except me for who I am and I hated it. Well I am laughing (mentally la) as I write this because I got a taste of my own medicine and I didn’t realize this until now. *Sigh*(Happy sigh). I guess what my sister wants is for everyone to get along though she didn’t say anything when I asked her and I am going to try my best to withhold my tongue. As I told Ramon, there is a time for questions and a time to shut up

Its time for me to Shut Up

Thursday, February 03, 2005

This is what I wrote earlier

I believe that …

… God is every where.
…. Love is God and God is Love
… to appreciate God we just have to look around at Nature
…people who claims that their religion is right is astray
…organized religion is just there to guide mankind and is not a necessity
…religion is pure and what corrupts it is mankind
… the belief in God is good enough
… a person who questions God is on to path to finding God
… to search for God it is not the destination that matter but the journey itself


I admire…
the person who has found God because he seems to be at peace with himself and the world around him.

I am still searching for something. Is it God? I do not know. There are some who would say that I am lost. Yes I am lost but I would like to find the way out myself

Why do we need God?
Maybe we need God because it gives us an assurance that what we do matters and there is some form of retribution. Maybe we believe in God even though it can’t be proven because we need Hope.

On the Issue of God

Before reading on do take note that I don’t subscribe to a particular religion but my ideas and ideals lean more towards Tibetan Buddhism.

God
I think that there is a piece of God in every one of us and everyone is capable of experiencing God. To me God is Love and every time we Love someone selflessly we are closer to God. I think that is what I am searching for. Love. Do take note that the Love that I am searching for does not come from a person. Maybe its idea that Love can make the world a better place because when we Love people would have more faith in each other. With Love maybe people would try and understand each other instead of trying to hurt one another. For me the belief in God is good enough. I choose not to subscribe to one particular religion because I saw hypocrisy in the people who claimed that they were good.

The path to hell is paved with good intentions
I really get annoyed by strangers who preach to me about God. What makes them think that their views are right? After all right and wrong is rather subjective isn't it? I think that everyone has their own version of what or how God is like. God is a personal thing, thank you very much.

Religion is something pure that got corrupted by the doings of man. I have friends who lost faith in their religion because they see hypocrisy and some its because they need to through the journey of finding God.
I think a person who questions is on the path to finding God. People who can’t take questions about their religion or faith makes me think that they are insecure and follow with no direction.

Heaven and Hell

This is our heaven or hell. Ever wonder why is it that someone who seemed to have nothing still seem contented. I have met a person who has found God and he was at peace with himself. To me he was the richest person ever for he had something that even money couldn’t buy.
Hell is a sort of trapping of the mind. A person who has his own demons to deal with.

Naz came and asked me what I was doing. Got embarrassed and closed up

- THE END -

Thursday, January 20, 2005

post-GRuMps and DReaMS

Ever had one of those days where you wake up and everything seems just wrong? Ever had someone who can make that nasty cloud above your head just poof (sound effects) disappear? Well the bad day was yesterday but the great thing is that I’ve got someone who can make the grumpiness disappear (although the grumpy side of me complains about the freedom of expression)

Today is post grumpy day and the whole of last night all I did was sit in front of the PC and watch movie after movie not wanting to talk to anyone because everyone annoys the hell out of me. Maybe it’s an anti-social hormone kicking in (and I swear its not my period)

Was going to write about this TV series called Joan of Arcadia but I really don’t know what I am trying to say. All I know is that I am a little fixated with this idea. The idea that when a person dies, that person leaves ripples. The ripples could be good or bad.


This leads to the issue of death. My dad always said that we shouldn’t be afraid of death and yet when I saw a corpse (covered) I recoil from it.

“The brave dies but only once and the coward die a thousand deaths”

I really don’t know if I really am afraid to die. I guess the only way I can really know is when I go out into the battlefield.

When I read Neil Gaiman’s Sandman graphic novel, he made death look like a cool goth chick. I admit that I have always been fascinated by the idea of the Dreaming because it lets me escape from the routines of everyday life. There was a period of my life when I really hated my life that I’d rather choose to sleep my day away because at least in dreams things are way more interesting and at times they seem so real. There were times where I wake up crying when I was crying in a dream. Interesting how dreams can cause a reaction in the waking world too huh?

Here is a weird dream I had when I was really young.

Wyrd DReaM
My sister and I was chasing after our mom who was drunk. After sometime we lost her and we search all over for her. When we were close to giving up, mom appeared and apologize for her behavior she wanted to go home with us together. We were waiting at a bus stop and when the bus arrived it was full of spirits and ghost only mom can’t see it. I was telling her that we shouldn’t go on the bus because I see all these ghost. Mom being mom insisted that there wasn’t anything strange with the bus and went up but I stayed behind. Well the search begins again and along the way I lost my sis and I was frustrated and irritated. At one point I realize it’s a dream and wanted to wake myself up but I couldn’t. I don’t know what logic came to me in the dream but I figured that when we get dreams of being chased by monsters we never see these monster because we get eaten and ‘die’ in the dream. When we ‘die’ in the dream we wake up. With that conclusion in mind I decided to kill myself in the dream. I could feel my life fading away when I heard mom calling to me asking me not to ‘die’ and that she found my sis too. My last thought then was :”Oh when people about t o die then you come”

It still cracks me up whenever I think of this dream.

Any Sigmund Freud wannabe who want to do a psycho analysis on me based on this dream is more than welcome to…it’ll perk up my day.*SIGH*


goth Chick Death FRoM GaiMaN'S SandMan SeRieS


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

postiNG

egomanic
Tue, Jan 18 2005 04:19:56
An egomaniac wondering how fares her blog. So visit http://weedflower.blogspot.com and email her on her horrendous use of English and eccentric style of writing.(No spelling mistakes thanks to spell checks)Honestly just a wannabe writer and hoping for comments to improve from the general public. To all you mudslingers and critics…shoot me.(eheh its not that fun when someone is a willing target huh)

posted by weedflower weedflower@gmail.com, http://weedflower.blogspot.com

Posted a message on a notice board on http://www.kakiseni.com/notices and this is a little odd but I am actually feeling a little embarrassed by it right now. I guess I don’t really have the makings of an egomaniac. I guess I am feeling slightly jittery because this is sort of the first time I am making this blog public. In all honesty I think I just feel a little exposed. I am not too worried about strangers but I guess I always had the thought that if people have information about me, that will make me more vulnerable. After all knowledge is power.

Right I think I shouldn’t worry my brains out and get some sleep. After all I got 2 cousins to attend to in the morning…someone pass me my coffee please.

Goodnite world


p/s praying hard that there aren't any junk mail or spam …Grrr

2 couSINS & QUESTionS on marriage/virginity

The cousinS
Imagine two girls from Australia one aged 13 and the other 11 running around giggling and laughing like little pixies. Well that’s Jennifer and Samantha for you. These little half Chinese half Jewish cousins of mine are on a visit to my grandma’s place in Sitiawan. KL is just a pit stop for now and my are they cheeky.

Anyway little 11 year old Samantha asked me if I was a virgin (naughty and curious little girl). Well naturally being a boring adult I evaded the question by asking a question back and I didn’t say I was but she was skeptical.

Booring QUESTionS

Well that got me wondering how old is old enough to know about the birds and the bees? And while we are on the subject should one really wait for oneself to be married before popping the cherry?

Jennifer aged 13 implied that she thinks that it isn’t that important for boys to keep their virginity and this question keep coming up. Why should boys have the freedom or at least the leeway to go around romping about whereas if a woman slash girl does the same thing, she is subjected to name calling like slut, the village bicycle etc. My mom advised me to have some dignity and wait until marriage comes knocking on the door. Well isn’t love enough? Do we actually need a piece of paper to prove to the world that two people love each other? I guess the most important question we all need to ask is do we actually want to be in the dark of things during the night of matrimony?

Now I am not taking marriage lightly nor am I am I advocating the idea of randomly propagating mankind, it’s just that I truly believe that making love to someone you love is one of the most beautiful actions ever imaginable and it teaches a person to learn to give and receive pleasure. Its sad that sometimes because of the idea of keeping oneself pure there are women (not too sure about men) who would never enjoy the pleasures of love and even fear the act itself.

I think there is dignity in making love to someone you want to be with for the phase in life you are in because honestly we aren’t clairvoyants and we really don’t know what the future holds. Look at the rising divorce rates. Won’t it be ironic if people are actually getting married because they just want to get fucked?

What about couples who can never tie the knot because of prejudices from society or family? What if I have to surrender my faith in my God because of marriage and I don’t think it is right because marriage and our connection to God in whatever form are not to be taken lightly? What do I do then? I don’t think that being in the same religion is a prerequisite for marriage because if marriage is a sort of declaration of love then why should there be any criteria other than the fact that two people love each other enough to be subjected to each other’s nastiest and annoying habits as well as to be exposed to yoyo feelings of vulnerability especially when you let someone else into the inner realms of your life.

What about the people who marry because of economic reasons?...

Time to C the Future

Right enough questions because it will just go on and on and I’ll never get this done. Its time for homework and calculating the future value and present value of cold hard cash with my crystal ball of formulas
FVn = PMT * (1+ i)t

!@##$%$^

Over and out…beeeeeeeeep



Wednesday, January 05, 2005

dumb people

GAwd the Worlds I over. I don't think i need any more drama.

Working with people can be so draining.

Lesson for Directors/upper management etc

1. If upper Management is screwed the rest are in for hell. (guess who gets the blame)
2. Don't panic if things don't go your way or plans change
3. Don't call people useless if all you do is just spew negativity and offer 0 solutions
4. Don't push your responsibilities to someone else or at least if that person screws up its your fault case you didn't show any planning or direction either.
5. Don't treat workers like slaves. RESPECT goes a long way

Right people didn't piss on me or anything like that but its still not right the way management works.This coming from a person who says she doesn't want to work for dumb wankers.

OK OK i am full of negativity now.Stress is not my favourite word. HAPPY NEw Year and Merry Christmas.

New year spent serving drinks so yea i made a lot of people happy :)