Saturday, December 25, 2004

my take on olivia - rip from youth.arm blog

Ripped off from my entry at the youth.arm blog. Busy with WorldsMMU

ok i can't make any vote on the issue of olivia because i have just heard from one side of the story.

What is stated below is not a represenation of what Olivia.
Disclaimer : Opinions below is solely my take on this issue

Just to clarify things if any of you feel that olivia came to the last session to spite you guys than all i can say is NO.
Why?Coz in actual fact she didn't wanna come to the session and I asked her to come. Maybe even hassle cause well i dunno when to shut up...but it worked muahhahah.(Persistance pays yea.)

Back to the issue.We were suppose to go to a rock concert together and when she decided to stay instead of following me to the concert, I was pleasantly surprise because to me it meant that she really wanted to be part of the group and it wasn't just me psycho-ing her by repeating COme come COME. In actual fact she wanted to quit the group (fact) because she got fired and she was embarassed (sort of fact)...go ask her if you really wanna know how she feels because i am not her (no guarentee she will tell though)

I highly doubt she came to spite us all and in my opinion all she wanted was acceptance from us. If you wanna say she is fucked up then well i dunno coz everyone's fucked up in thier weird way.Look at me (yea a call for attention to meself).If she was rude well what can i say, people can get extra defensive when they feel theaten won't you. IF you guys are voting her out because you think that her behaviour was inappropriate for not joining in then well erm from her i got the impression that she felt unsure and was just waiting for the time when she feels comfortable before joining us because at that time in my opinion she probaly didn't really feel like she was a part of the group.

All i am asking from everyone within the group is to try and see things from Sum's point of view as well as Olivia's and then make a decision. I don't know what happen after i left and i had only feedback from Teresa and olivia.
Admitedly everyone wants something and i guess sometimes its hard to ask for help because no one wants to seem weak hell i should know. What sort of "safe" space is YA's going to be when conflicts between people aren't resolved? I still remember a very drunk and extremely talkative Ariff telling me that there can never be a production with no conflict and yea i was pissed off for a while (but not any more la) because well yea I like things going smoothly because it makes my life easier etc etc (Note to myself:must get everyone drunk together one day)

this isn't a post to ask you guys to side me etc but i really do NOt agree to the fact that when olivia's service with vtc was terminated she was kicked out from the YA's blog too. to me it seemed that she was kicked out of YA's and left with no avenue to state her take on what happen. Grossly unfair (alright alright i am not trying to be an activist or start striping naked and go Save the whales blabalbal) I also do not think that we can all make a fair judgement to vote on the issue of Olivia when we are only presented with one side of the story.

Right talked enough and i am grumpy. Sorry people but you problay see me getting grumpy when you hang out with me everyday (once a week is just not enough). If i say anything offensive i apologize but do tell me because i am a blur person and don't know when to shut up...sometimes i think

Ok its back to mom and her cooking and the MMUWorlds which is causing me to not poo due to stress (yea i know everyone got stress in thier lives but this is my post so its about me ME muahahhahah).

ohh by the way do come and check out the debates.check it out at
Come and check out the Worlds biggest big mouths.Can't guarentee that they will be as entertaining as me (at least i hope i am entertaining I know i entertain myself...some how sounds so wrong). Erm if any of you turn up for the social then i got to say sorry but you guys aren't allowed in due to security reasons. Yea thats the time where i will be getting sloshed again (dun you guys just hate me) because there is going to be a free flow of beers and liquor.*SIGH* And there is a lot of it.*Multiple SIGHS* (yea it be great if its orgasms which i will hopefully get soon. the best stress buster...that is if you don't have to work for it in return :P)

HAllmark moment
Ok i said i would shut up but i didn't. Will shut up now after the little note at the bottom. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.Forgive and forget and accept one another warts and all.

p/s inappropriate language /spelling mistake/unexplainable verbal diahrrea(how do you spell that)/abusive language/me being big headed, i blame it solely on the fact that i had a total of 10 hours of sleep for the past 1 week and me having a massive ego as well as a big head. Spelling errors due to me not using Words and spell check ehehe.Yeah its excuses :P

I proof read this post :P me is show off

ME : Over and out.
people reading this : Finally

Thursday, December 16, 2004

What In the World Happen To You?

Shite I found out that Ollie got terminated (No she didn’t disintegrate) and there is a high chance that she isn’t coming back to the YA’s project any more. I don’t know why I am so upset I mean I hardly know her and yet I guess I do. She always seem rather reserve the few times I met her and I guess in a way I kinda know how she is like through her blog. I don’t think she really want to leave the YA’s and I don’t want her to leave either. I just think that if any one of us start leaving for good than there will be nothing to stop me or any other persons from leaving when the going gets tough. Argh I really can’t believe this is happening. There goes the continuation of the Philippines. Can’t believe that missing 1 week of YA’s can be so disastrous.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

iNtRoducing - Luigi

Praba (M) – Coach
Logan (M) – Chief Adjudicator
Me (Femme) – Jungle
Gin (M) – My debating teammate
Pam (Femme) – MMU 1
Licky (M) – Short for Way To Lick

Location : Philippines , Luigi’s Place

Reason : Debating competition and Promote Worlds MMU

Like in every society there are always the rich and the poor. Yet in Manila I see children running around begging on the streets.

Day 1 - Friday

OMG!!!Beer and death sticks are freaking cheap here. The gang + our host for today, Luigi drank and smoke atthe Shell petrol station. Lets pray hard that the death sticks do not cause an explosion. The Malaysians were pretty surprise that sunset happens at 6pm
Night: Got a fabulous dinner compliments from the De La Salle University (DLSU) people. Noticed that every restaurant that we went to had security guards. Later the gang head up to the pub. We found this really great pub that played 80’s music and the gang got smashed. The night ended with Praba, Logan ,Pam and Me staying over at Luigi’s place where as the rest of them were shipped off to Miguel’s place.

Day 2 – Saturday

I never was much of a morning person. We had breakfast with Luigi’s parents. I always knew I wasn’t into all these prim and proper stuff. I feel so tense. Breakfast was bacon, corned beef, cheese…nevermind I was never much of a breakfast person either and I had cereals without milk and 1 banana. Luigi’s mom is really nice.
Later on its off to debates. Considering the fact that Logan was the CA, well the debates can’t start until he gets there. Today is the day where I noticed what a contrast Manila is.
I didn’t do too well in the debates today mainly because I didn’t keep my head on plus the fact that I didn’t feel too confident about myself. I guess I should read up on current events but at times it does make me frustrated because there are so many things wrong in this world and there isn’t anything that I can do about it.
Night: We went over to Joel’s place to drink some more. Tried Tequila Rose and it taste like strawberry yogurt drink with a dash of alcohol. I like sweet liquor yum. I was a bit grumpy today because Gin and I didn’t make the break. We got 4 points out of 12 and I was really grumpy. That and the fact that I didn’t know where I was going to sleep for the night because Luigi got Pam’s and my bags in the car. I guess I couldn’t really blame him because he was only expecting Logan to stay over with him. We ended up sleeping at the same place again

Day 3 – Sunday

Woa I am pretty dazed most of the time. I think all the alcohol and ciggies is starting to take its toll on me. I seem to be either making up stuff or hearing people’s thoughts. Yea I know it doesn’t make sense but everything is so surreal. Today is the day where there was a certain guy who made remarks to a girl and she ended up getting upset. The thing is she asked for help from me but I didn’t know if what the guy said was true. Anyway there was a point where I felt that it went too far and it was derogatory to women in general and that got me pissed. The girl who is a Pilipino was upset coz the guy implied that they both had sex. Well she didn’t do anything with him and I guess she was in a fix because she couldn’t really defend herself. She said the last time that she “answered back” to the (same) guy she got reprimanded by the head. I guess its hard for me to explain this whole culture thing to a Caucasian guy. The rest of the day just got me in a weird mood. I didn’t really wanted to talk to anyone and I just felt grumpy the whole time.
Night : Yeap you guessed it drank some more. We went back to the same bar that we went to the first night but blardi hell this time they upped the price. We ended up holing in another bar.
Next thing I knew Joel (Luigi’s buddy) was saying that we be sleeping at his place tonight. At that point I didn’t really care anymore and I was irritated and frustrated because I was tired of feeling unsure of where I will be spending the night. Later I found out that Pam told Joel that it would be better if we just stick to the place. After all it would be our last night there. Well anyway we followed Joel back to his house and Luigi met us up. I was just wondering if I could drive his car and I just voiced it out jokingly and he actually let me drive it. Honestly I am touched and honored that he trusted me with his car. Still I got to admit it was pretty fun considering the fact that in Malaysia we drive on the right side of the road and they drive on the left side (or issit the other way round?) Found out that our host is a pretty good piano player too.
Went swim in the pool even though it is super chilly because I needed to de-stress.

Day 4 – Monday

Ahh… It feels like a Sunday morning. I feel so lazy. I was up pretty early because his mom came into the room and used the Internet. I ate breakfast and decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. The area is really nice and lovely though I did feel a little odd because people were looking and I didn’t really know how to react.
Logan had a cut on his knee and Luigi took him to the clinic. Pam followed along. The clinic was within his village (neighborhood) and we were supposed to play basketball but the court was occupied by badminton players and the doctor was out so its back to the house again. On the way back he offered to let me drive around his village and we went to another area where there were all these really huge mansions. I think most of the time I wasn’t really concentrating on the road cause I was looking at the houses. There was a cake house which isn’t much to see actually. I found the houses with Spanish influence pretty fascinating and there was a Californian house with a beach theme to it. I just drove around aimlessly and it was fun though this is the time when I feel I should be seated at the passenger street. I was looking for the ‘White House’ and Luigi directed the way. I think wao is the most overused word uttered by me for the day. It seems like Luigi is in a pretty good mood today until lunch time.

The gang stayed over at Luigi’s place last night. Everyone that is except Licky. Things were pretty tense at this point because it was close to 2:30 and Joel haven’t arrived yet. Logan was suppose to give a seminar or something like that and he was going to be late. When Joel arrived, he mentions something about some case presentation and that was when Luigi got pretty tense.
I don’t know why but I feel sad when I find out that people take weed to relax.

Met Willy who is Praba’s friend/ ex debating mate.
Had dinner and then its off to Greenhill for some shopping. We arrived pretty late and the stalls were starting to close. The interesting bit was when we all met up at the arcade call Time zone. I had a go at air hockey and I sucked but later on I ruled muahhahaha. I didn’t tell them that me and Wei Ling used to spend all our time at Intensity (arcade in 1 Utama) playing air hockey so I practically grew up with this. It really felt like high school again and it is really funny at times especially when the puck flies of the table. Had a go at Bishi Bashi which is another silly game that Wei Ling and I used to play. Other than that there was Daytona, Time Crisis 2 and House of the Dead. Sigh

Had my first taste of Zombie and it is good Slurp!!!

Monday, December 13, 2004


Right people. It may seem that I have forgotten about you guys but the truth is right now I am in the Philippines. You have to forgive me right now because honestly I am smashed.Actually i am still surprise that i can spell/type this at this moment ahhahaha (find its a private joke)
I think i fell in love with this country.The moment was when i entered the cathedrel in Intramorous, Manila. Just in case you are wondering I am a free thinker/Agnostic. I believe there is a God but i don't suscribe to one particular belief/religion.Anyway back to Intramorous. I think that place is just absolutely beautiful. I have this facination for old buildings and Intramorous is filled with it.....
will continue the next time when i don't feel sleepy and dizzy eheheheh
Just to tell you guys (maybe myslef) that i am in the Philippines

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Summary of the week - Mon - ThurS

Monday & Tuesday

Its been a Long week. There were exams on Monday and Tuesday (that cost me to gigantic red zits one on each side of my cheeks) and then there was the YA’s evaluation on Saturday ohh and on Friday I had a workshop with Rohaizad Suaidi…argh yes yes as you can see I am used to a stress free life. And to cap it off today. Today there is a tryouts for the debates in Manila which is happening on the 3rd of December to 13th. Phew long week.

The EX-ams.

Well it’s the end of the week and I don’t really want to relive it but well basically I had only 2 papers. Monday’s morning paper is Media History (Hmm seems like so long ago). I think I did pretty OK for that though there was 1 out 3 essay question which got me stumped…(or was that the econ’s paper?) Well Tuesday was the screwed up one. I got over confident and didn’t study for it ‘til 3 hours before. Argh. I remember regretting not studying when I stoned at the essay Question for the Microeconomics paper but ahh well whatever.


Free day lala-ing about and grumping over the giant spots.
bLogging blogging blogging (Sing along to “rolling rolling rolling” song)


Ahh the script. Got to met up with Des to give her the shirt. Suppose to meet her at 2pm but well the rubber time got to me and I was 1 hour late (Hey I told her at 1.30pm that I was going to be late). Man she is stressed but she really like the shirt. Had lunch at 3:30pm ++ , fagged and she went back to the office.
I met up with Des again later in the night but it was just a brief thing because I had to met Idora and Teresa in KLCC. It was rather fn. We chit chat at first and brainstormed about where the scene would take place. The entire process would just take too long to go into detail but we ended up with a scene where I was character number 3 who is a man looking for a night out. Character 2 is a prostitute and character 1 is a boutique owner.


Got to get to the workshop at British Council. I got back from the meet up with Idora and Teresa at about 5 or 6 am but I got to wake up at 12pm cause I got to move my stuff out of the hostel. Shite. I am the queen of grumps today. Stressed and the lack of sleep makes me a bitch. Up and down I went carrying bags of books, clothes … then when over to Ramon’s place and well I was edgy and grumpy. Meet mom at the LRT station at 6pm+ cause of a massive traffic jam and got to the workshop 5 minutes late but thankfully it haven’t started.

The Workshop

It really wasn’t what I was expecting. Its really the highlight of my day. The facilitator Rohaizad was the person who thought up of this play called OP’s Ophelia – A Fashion Opera. It was interesting to note that no one participant of this workshop has seen the play.
I expected a lot more physical movement in the workshop but thankfully it was him telling us how he began the process of getting the idea for his play OP’s Ophelia.

Act 1 - Hamlet is a play that intrigued him
Act 2 - Ophelia draws Rohaizad to her watery sad bosom.
Act 3 – Discovering the many faces of Ophelia
Act 4 – Rohaizad loves fashion and opera

Act 1 + Act 2 + Act 3 + Act 4 became Op’s Ophelia

Homework – FIND YOUR OPhelia.

Step 1 – Identifying Your Hamlet
Hamlet could be a book that inspired you or like me Greek and Viking mythology have always been a fascinating subject for me

Step 2 - Identifying Your Ophelia
- will be filled in when I have don it

Step 3 – Knowing more about your subject of Facination

Meeting Up with Idora and Teresa (Part II)
Venue : Bangsar
Time : 11pm
Objective : rehearse play and brainstorm another piece (heavy)

Result :
1. I was checking out women after I left Ramon and I got a bit freaked out but it added to my “manliness”

2. Heavy dark piece was about Death. 3 friends at a memorial and Character 1 gets emotional crying outburst. Character 2 (Idora) is the mediator. Character 3 has a bf (bitch fit) towards the end.

End : 6am

Thursday, November 25, 2004

we are ALL children of the universe

There are some narrow minded Malaysian-Chinese…

… who thinks that being fair is the epitome of beauty.
… who would only date some one who has fair skin.
… who thinks that people who have darker skin are beneath them.

… who thinks that money = happiness
(what a sad lot)
… who thinks being as thin as a celery is sexy
(stick insects)

- add on when I can think of more -

On behalf of these people I say SORRY

' What we got to remember is that we are ALL children of the universe.
No more no less than the trees and the sun and the moon. '

This makes me try and remember to eradicate the below from my life and thoughts
Racism, misconceptions, biasness, ignorance, arrogance and FEAR

damn it is hard

Verdict - Guilty

ZZZ Land

The Z’s took hold of me right after I posted the blog yesterday and I got up at 9pm to wish Des happy birthday. My plans for a mini party at Des’es place is out the window.

Angela's Ashes

I have just gone through a quarter of the book and it really made me sad and a bit pissed off.

There was a part where this boy kept asking questions to his dad and his dad kept replying “you’ll understand when you get older”. Well that got me thinking, maybe that is why when we were young we all wanted to be older, because kids assume that the mysteries of the world would unfold when ‘we get older’. Then we get older and find that we still don’t know all the answers you had as a kid and to top it all we have less fun. Really sad.

The Case

Was having a discussion with Ramon just now and I realize that I am super sensitive to this whole Asian-Western thing.


I am overly sensitive to comments about Asians/Asia especially if subject is comparing with the West.

Plausible Reasons

  • Defensive because Malaysians have a habit of complaining about Malaysia and constantly thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.
  • SPG who sees Caucasian men as a knight with big fat wallets and take them away to la-la land where everything is purr-fect.
    Sadly this is what my ex-roomie thinks and I had a friend who thinks that.
    (We didn’t fall out because of that)
  • Misconceptions that I had about Western men that is embarrassing for me to state here.

Verdict - Guilty

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

It's Des's B.DaY anD I am Alive oN the Net AgaiN (PaRt 2)

Well I didn’t go swimming. I just killed time surfing the Net. I am not too happy about the pink smudge but there is nothing I can do get rid of it. Put too much water on the cotton bud. I hope she likes this. What do you think?

Shite can’t find the battery charger…I need sleep. Its 12.20pm now. Didn’t sleep the entire night…I searched every where but I still can’t remember where I chucked the charger.

No Charger = No Pics tonight

It's Des's B.DaY anD I am Alive oN the Net AgaiN

Exams are over and the Internet is having a tiff with me but no worries cause we are OK now and I am back online. Shh!!! I think it feels neglected because I have been having a fling with this game called Sacred. Wink Wink.

I just posted the session on the YA’s. YA stand for youth.arm. I really don’t know what to call it. Is it a coalition? Well maybe but I guess I would like to see it as a gathering of youth’s in Klang Valley who are passionate about theater. YA that’s what it is.

What have I been doing the entire day other than try to get on the Net? Well today is Des’es Birthday and I’m planning to give her a Money-Cannot-Buy, One-Of-A-Kind tee. Why I say that is cause yesterday I went to the mall and got her a plain white top and money can’t buy it cause I modified the shirt. How you say? Well simple really. With my sturdy hands, access to the Internet and nifty pens…drum roll please… I drew on it. Hey I am pretty proud of it you know.

Humble Pie me : Ohh forgive me for being proud for I have not slept for days
Miss Boastful me : No…No need for forgiveness after all why deny the Truth.

I’ll make her wear it when I see her tonight and take a pic..ehehe. Anyway here is a picture of the fish I got off the Net to draw on her shirt. Its 8.16 am now and I am waiting for the shops to open so I can get some colored pens for the flowers. Hmm…maybe I should go swimming. Ahh dunno la, I’ll probably drown anyway. Will continue to blog when the shops are open and I finish the shirt.

YA’s SeSSioN - MiNd BloweD TWice

I got to Desa Petaling early Hooray!!! I got stuck waiting for roti canai…I am late again :(

Warm Ups

Warm ups for today were pretty fun in a way. There was a certain set that made racy thoughts running in my head…eheh (pervy look here).

Recipe for “Palm Circle Garden”.
First get a bunch of nutters like the YA’s, then get everyone in a circle (holding hands should suffice). After doing exercises that makes everyone giggle, ensure everyone is in a circle and then get the people to place thier palms with the persons next to them. Now push and then get every1 to lean forward. Repeat steps.

Its pretty cool because I felt this force pushing from my rights side but the energy level from my left was so limp. Total contrast.

Nitty Gritty.

Today’s session was an eye opener for me. We had to this little sketch in 3 variations. I found out today that arms flying around is my signature. As for me having a lack of focus I guessed I kinda knew that. There was one scene where I really felt like someone else…but that lasted for a few seconds before I was back to myself again. It is kind of frustrating for me because I slip into character easily the first time around, and then when I lose focus I don't know how to get back to it. I wish someone would tell me. Are you that person?

Moving on I really like Azhar and Teresa performance. The plot was a real twister. Super cun and awe inspiring. Got me on the edge.

Towards the end we all sat around to for therapy. This 'lets talk about stuf' thingy really helps develop the finer details of acting, plus its really nice that people open up and help each other out by offering advice on how to solve ones problems. I really think that at the end of each meet up we should do this sharing bit because then no one goes home with questions or doubts in their heads. In the long term I think that this activity could help us avoid major problems later on especially if one party is not satisfied.

Lepak SessioN – PerFoRMaNce by Micheal

I’m in love…with his singing that is. Some of his songs made me feel a little sad by it was really mind blowing. I mean this is the guy who have the energy of ,quote ‘ a puppy’ but when he sings its like that is who he really is. Its so honest. I really like this song which he call Star. He said it was a cheesy title for the song but I really think that it suits it. Maybe it’s the atmosphere or maybe it’s the company but it really made my day.

Getting my mind blowed twice in a day ;) What more can a person ask …ahh the sigh of satisfaction

Saturday, November 20, 2004

What I learnt + What I did

What I learnt today

1: The symbol of a woman is also a symbol of Venus. Apparently I just got to imagine a handheld mirror
2: The symbol of a man is also the symbol for Mars

…Ohh so that is why they call the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Doh…

What I did

- Minor Changes to blog + Friendster (ole skool crush)

Well I did some minor changes my blog, though it took me the whole night to figure out what was what. I tried using NetStat but it was a bit of a failure cause the counter just won't appear. Anyway surf around the net and got a much nicer one…hmph.

I was just going through friendster and I came across (well ok more like searching) this guy I had a crush on in high school. Honestly I swear I won’t remember him other than the fact that on some weird occasion on a dare I kinda blurted out that I liked him . I still get embarrassed thinking about it…in a funny way. I can’t imagine myself doing that now.

Ahh when we were young and silly.

Right when I was in high school I thought I knew everything. I kinda hated the people who thought that they were happening and stuff. I think in a way I was afraid of them. I always have this notion that being popular (as in soap opera/drama popular) means you don’t really have real friends. It’s probably just me watching too much teen flicks or maybe I just can’t stand the girls.
**Sigh** High school is such a long time ago but it was fun. Sure, sure I had a few bitchy moments and yea I had my heart broken when my frst "best" friend left me for another but its all part and parcel getting into the real world.

Facts about high skool Crush

Fact 1 : I hardly (it was more like never) spoken to him
Fact 2 : I had a crush on him because my mate tried this weird experiment on me to test out some mad theory of hers
Fact 3 : Weird experiment led me to having a crush on him from 14 til ….17?18?
Fact 4 : (from his frienster) Apparently this guy is some super stock market player and he wants to met a girl who is kinda of a girl next door.

(What issit with guys and girls next door? Ok its probably because I had bad experiences with girls next doors.. mumble mumble ... manipulating, conniving, oo popular …mumble some more... find I am probably just jealous mumble til you stop reading this)

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

hYpeR and oN CiggieS

Ahh feeling very hyper right now. Feel like yikkity yak yak. Me is having a ciggy now and it is glorious. I think the relationship I am having with ciggies is like being stuck in the bad boy (or bad girl) syndrome. You know it’s bad for you but god dammit it feels sooo good. Yes, yes I have been in denial that I even had a relationship with cigarettes, but well my denied brain has started to come up with good stuff about smoking. So far I have only one but it’s a damn good one. Here it is.
Ciggies are good for your emotional health. Why I say that? Well its way better than seeing a psychiatrist and a hell lot cheaper too. Ciggies beats telling people about how you feel and then realizing that they aren’t even listening or worst start telling you how much worst they had it before you even get to the main part and you end up having to listen to THIER problems. (Paused to watch “The Exorcist”) All you got to do to make your worries go away is to inhale and exhale. For the visually stimulated like me, when I exhale, I imagine all my worries flying up in the sky and disappearing with the smoke.

(... transition to Incident begins)

I like smoke.

Actually I like fires more. Fires kind of have this mesmerizing quality about them. The way the flames lick of whatever it is feeding and everything just disappears.

Which reminds me of this incident.

(transition to Incident ends ...)


I did something which I think is weird 2 years back. I went up to Genting with a mate and I let him read my journal and then we both burnt it. I don’t really know why I did it. I mean that was the journal that I had to write when I did theater in MMU and everything I wrote in it was 100% me. It wasn’t one of those journals where I practiced censorship and stuff like that. It was a beginning in a way. I guess I just thought it was symbolic. Something like a toast to myself for starting on a new life and traveling a road less traveled.
You see before that I was stuck in limbo. I was in a place I hated and I felt myself getting more withdrawn and depress. I found dreaming more exciting than the humdrum of daily life. I was a ship floating out in the sea with no destination. I didn’t have a goal in life, I didn’t know what I love and I didn’t have a passion for anything. Even in high school. Sure I had crushes and I played basketball but I didn’t feel alive and excited. I still get bouts of it sometimes but it is nothing compared to when I was in collage.

(preparing jump to my LOve LiFe. . . . . . . . . . . . . initiating hyper jump)



Maybe that is why I am still stuck with the same man today (I had a weird habit of breaking up with guys after a year). Ha this is embarrassing but hell. I love the man I am with because he made me feel alive. No not in the whole lovey dovey way but I remember the reason why I fell in love with him is because he made me feel like a kid again. You know how kids are so eager to learn and everything is new and they are full of wonderment when they learn something? Well that is how Ramon makes me feel. I remember ransacking his stuff and exclaiming wao or ooo. There were all these little things that made me want to know more about what happened in his life and who this person is. There’s so much stuff to read and explore, I really love going over to his place. Ok I can go on and on about how wonderful he is but I have learnt that people tend to get bored after 2 or 3 minutes. But what can I say, writing this down made me realize that I still do have these feeling its just that they were buried under a ton of stoopid things which Ramon calls silly thoughts.

(Get ready for THE END)

Was backtracking and rereading my blog. I think my thoughts are kind of scattered today. I really don’t know where this blog is heading to but I do know for a fact that I can write easier before I sleep in the wee hours of the night (…or should I say morning???). I think maybe it’s because I am a night person. After all my dad always say that I was more active at night even when I was in my mother’s womb. Hmm I seem to be going off track again, so I think I will stop this blog for now cause its going nowhere.

10 days In 1 PAragraph

Back blogging made me shut down for ten days… that and the fact that I don’t have an Internet line at home. So here I am back in uni supposedly studying for my finals.

What happened these past 10 days? Honestly I don’t really remember other than the fact that I went to some Deepavali makan fest at my neighbours place and another makan fest when I went and visit my grandma in Sitiawan, Perak. Its really weird but 1 week can seem like ages to me. So all I can tell you is what happened to me right before I started writing this
Right what have I been doing? I have been reading other people’s blogs. I don’t know I think I have come to a conclusion that reading too many people’s blogs puts me in a writer’s block mode. I think I will lie down now. Maybe it will help. Or maybe I will go watch some movies or something like that. **Sigh**

As you can see I am fickle minded.

Monday, November 08, 2004

close Shave

1. Me thinks : I wonder how am I going to 'do' Andy's head. Ahh..when is Lena going to decide?

Lena thinks: I hope she doesn't cut off his ears...Oh gosh I was pissed but no one deserves this.

2. Me : This is the first time I am shaving...umm it feels good

3. Finn: Let me show you how a work of art is done

4. Lena : Oh My gawd I can't breath. Andy looks so sexy. Must remind myself to ask paikyin to give me a haircut too.

*disclaimer everything here is a fiction of my mind. All credits to me and only me.Muahahahaha*


MORN -ing

Rudely awaken by the sound of my hand phone ringing. Mom called to tell me that she got to talk to me. I got down from Des’s apartment only to realize that I had to walk there. This is happening at 8:20 am, when I slept at 6am. Of course during the entire walk, I was pissed of and was thinking that if she wanna “talk” she could at least not let me walk…
Found out grandma had a stroke. I didn’t really absorb what she was saying at first. That and I don’t think I feel comfortable letting my mom see me upset.
Got home and tried calling Ramon. I guess he would still be sleeping. Finally I messaged him to call me when he gets up. I only realized I was distraught when I caught myself pacing while telling Ramon about my grandma.

AFTER - noon

I have to get to Jam! Jam! Jam! The whole of KL is in a jam. We had to send the car for servicing because the steering wheel was vibrating. Mom had to get to KL city centre and I was suppose to drive to Finally resorted to taking the LRT. By the time I got there it was 4:00 pm aargh.
We were doing voice projections today and I missed almost half of it. We were suppose to read a text on the spot. I picked Dorian Gray because I am familiar with the story. We were supposed to watch out pronunciation, intonation, speed etc.
David was the first to go. He couldn’t get into character because he got distracted by laughter(Something funny must have happened). Next up, Michael. What I remembered most about his performance was the how dramatic he made it when he had to be in pain when he was to read his text. There was a lot of body movements and in a way I guess it helped him because he was visualizing the scene. I was supposed to go next but since Idora had to leave early she went before me. I loved the way Idora read when she was suppose to be an 80 year old gypsy woman. Its amazing how she was an old gypsy woman just by using her voice its just amazing.
Well when it was my turn it wasn’t so amazing la :P I cried and it is embarrassing.
I couldn’t concentrate and apparently I have dyslexia. It didn’t bother me to much because its something that I could fix. I guess what bothers me the most about grandma’s stroke is this whole sense of helplessness. I mean in my life I always felt like nothing is impossible as long as there is a will. It’s just a matter of getting my motivation up. But when it comes to grandma, I really felt helpless. There is nothing I can do. I feel myself trying to grasp every second in life and trying hard to accumulate it so I can spend every second of it with her but I can’t. Death is an integral part of life that I know. Thinking about losing my grandma made me think of how many people I love and how I take it for granted that they are alive. Shaken that I was (sounds so Yoda-ish). Every moment with my love ones are precious and it is so easy to forget that.
Erm to the rest of you sorry I was lost in my world after that.


It is off to the National Arts Gallery. Thumb a lift from Sums. She is bursting with energy (too much sugar). Kinda reminds me of a chipmunk. I was supposed to go to the art gallery in the morning to view Jorg Shimon Schuldness exhibition. The Swiss ambassador was supposed conducting a tour of the exhibition for students. Didn’t go cause traffic jam and news on grandma.
I have been to a few exhibitions before but often alone and mostly in KLCC while waiting for mum to get off from work. I really had a lot of fun going to the gallery with company because there are some things that they pointed out that make me re-arrange my outlook. Idora took us to her piece and I really wondered what would happen if we found it. Would we be like one of those snotty people who go hmm…? Some how I don’t think so. Mum came and I introduce her to the rest of the gang. I think mum kinda enjoyed Idora’s piece.


Arrived home pretty late at about 9. Called pa and apparently grandma is ok. He sounded fine and that made me feel better. Going Zouk tonight after meeting up with some ex-collage mates in Passion. Got a few drinks from mates in Passion and then headed back to Zouk. It was 2am when we re-entered Zouk and the music is way better than last night. I got really high (on music and a dash of alcohol)

-M O R N A F T E R E V E - N T -

CLEO’S birthday bash at ZOUK...


1. I went with Des, Melia, Ashley and Caroline.
2. We were the 1400++th patron
3. People were queuing from 4pm in the RAIN.
4. I felt like stealing someone’s goodie bag.Grrrr

Went back to Zouk at 11 and partied like hell. Told dj Fono that I like his music and surprise surprise, Des and I got to get on the guest list the next day.

Moral of the story : A little compliment goes a long way

Thursday, November 04, 2004

On Me being a flaSher and reMiNiScing

Flasher in the food court

Lets see what happened today. Oh I went to Ikano with my roomie and her friend Janice. Saw 2 kids on a leash and images of people taking out their pet dogs came to mind. I was buying food when my button on my trousers popped and the worse thing is that my pants are held together by Velcro (the Velcro is where the zip is). Yes it was an embarrassing moment for me.The Velcro couldn’t stay shut and well, let’s just say I would be flashing more than just undies if you get my drift.

Was clearing out some space on my hotmail account and came across emails from my theater mates in 2001. Was reading emails from Shawn. He was the producer and I was the assistant. He is definitely one flirtatious bastard :) Apparently his kryptonite is a smile (from pretty gals of course lol). Its weird but reading his emails and thinking about the times spent with him, the last time we met really sticks in my mind.

The Last Meeting in Hartamas

It was our first meeting after theater was over. We met at Devi’s a mamak in Bangsar. At first it felt a little weird and we were just talking surface level talk. I know I definitely had this thought “Well I guess we have nothing to talk about after theater huh!”.
His friend came over later on, pretty nice guy though I can’t remember his name. Anyway we ate, had small talk and then proceeded to Hartamas for shisha. Things loosen up after that but seriously guys don't try banana flavored shisha. It tastes like artificial bananas ... bleh. After his friend left we started mamak hoping and this is where the weird shit happened.
Weird Shit
We were sitting at a table outside (…thinking about it makes me freeze up a little) and we were just chatting. I don’t know how long we talked but after a while I felt this really dark presence. I only took noticed of it after sms-ing this guy (Ramon) whom I liked then but I was in denial (he is now my bf la). It started from a distance on my left. As it came closer it seemed that my surroundings became darker even though light was emitting from the mamak. This presence was definately coming our way. I can’t really remember all of it but I did know that at one point I felt it behind me and it was so dark but powerful. It felt like it was consuming all of my energy and was trying to break me. Wait I think it felt more like it wanted to get inside of me or it wanted me to embrace it or something like that.
I really got to say that it was dark. It wasn't evil, just very dark.It felt like within it nothing existed except for depression, despair and a feeling of hopelessness and that was all it knew. It definitely didn’t originate from me. I mean I had my bouts of rainy days but nothing like this. Hell I was scared (still a little freaked out now just thinking about it) but I have a rebellious streak in me and I guess that kept me from giving in at first. During this whole time both me and Shawn didn’t utter a single word. Finally I decided to get up and go to the ladies. I thought that this presence would go away but it didn’t. I felt it followed me, though it wasn’t as strong as before. I think it went away after I just mentally gave away when I was still in the restroom. Shite I remember peeing and still feeling the presence. It felt like I have done some sort of deal just to get it of my back (literally).
I got out of the restroom and went back to the table. I guess it all won’t seem so real if Shawn didn’t say that he felt the presence too. In a way when he said he felt that presence I was relieved because it meant that I wasn’t going crazy but it really made the “deal” seem more real.

--can’t write about this no more –

My heart feels heavy after writing this incident but it makes me more determine to go through with things with Ramon. I don’t think that I am that same person in that story. Need my sleep. Good night world.

*May no one ever have that kinda of presence within.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

An ode to great friends

I got a letter from my mate in Australia 2 days ago. We’ve been friends since I was 16. I find it a little weird(in a good way) how when I start doubting about things and start getting messed up in my life, her letters or email turns up. I guess I could say that I am a lucky person because I have great friends to turn to when things start to go downhill.

Back to the letter, what struck me as odd was that she said that maybe I am afraid of happiness. Now that sounds rather gloomy because who wants to be sad right? In truth I think in a way I embrace sadness. I honestly don’t know if I am afraid of happiness or I feel guilty for being better off than most people. Is it right to feel sad inside and yet have nothing bad happened in your life? I really don’t know. All through my life I felt like I was an observer not a participant in life. That is until I did theater in 2001.

It sounds corny I know but I really felt like finally there is a purpose in my life and there was some sort of direction my life was heading towards. Maybe because I find it some magical that total strangers can come together and allow each other to glimpse a side that is buried deep inside. Maybe I have always believed in magic and theater got me to be more of a participant in life, not just an observer. I honestly can’t say. I envy the people who know what they want to do in life. All I know is that for now, theater has a hold on me.

Still I guess there is a small part of me that is shut off from the world. I know that hiding behind masks and this “self-protective” wall we create to shield ourselves actually makes us weaker rather than stronger. I know that to not open up to people is just a form of cowardice and it can hurt the people close to us, but it really is so hard to let go of this safety net that we build for ourselves. This self made cocoon feels so much safer as oppose to taking risk with disappointments, frustrations or being betrayed. I guess the people who do not put up barriers are the stronger ones because they have less fear and more faith in humankind.

I say this is an ode to great friends because without them I would not have had as much faith in friendship and if I don’t believe in friendship I highly doubt I would believe in Love.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004


This is the story of how weedflower came to this world.
Weedflower came to being because of a story I read a long time ago.


The story begins with a little girl (not me, just a random girl la).One day, this particular little girl passed an abandon field full of bright red poppies basking in the afternoon sunlight. To the little girl it was the most beautiful flower she had ever seen and she begged her mother to let her bring some poppy seeds home to plant in their garden. Like a sensible adult the mother said no, for these poppies were nothing more than just common weeds in the mother’s eyes. Well this little girl was perplexed as she couldn’t understand why her mother would not want to have these “flowers” in their garden. She went home and dreamt about her garden filled with bright red poppies. The next day she secretly brought back some poppy seeds in her pocket and planted the seeds in the garden. The little girl waited for the poppies to grow and when the flowers bloomed the little girl was naturally delighted. However the poppies grew rapidly and soon consumed the entire garden. The little girl’s mother tried to get rid of them but couldn’t. After some time the family moved.
Many years passed and the little girl grew into a young woman. She came back to the house she once lived. The house was abandon and in shambles but all around the compound was filled with bright red poppies. When the young woman saw the poppies, she smiled and was brought back to the time when she was a little girl. In her eyes the poppies are still the most beautiful flowers in the world.

---The End ---

Well that is how this nick came about. Weed to the mother but flower to the little girl. If you ask me to describe myself I think this story says it all.
This story really made me think about people’s perception of the world around us. It is a little sad that the older we get the more jaded with the world we seem to be. I guess this story helps to keep the little girl in me :P
*Plus doesn’t anyone remember picking “flowers” for your mother. The “flowers” I picked for my mom were love grass.

Picture off the Net