Tuesday, February 08, 2005
what Is ThiS all About? iRoNy, HeartAcheS and ShuttiNg Up
Had a fight 2 days in a row. Yesterday I had issues with my sister and the day before it was with Ramon and my emotions. So which should I start on?
I guess the fights had to do with me as a person. When I fought with Ramon I wanted something from him and with my sister she wanted something from me.
Before I go on, I should inform you that I don’t have a really good relationship with my mom. Moms are suppose to be supportive and look out for you. Well in a way my mom do too it just didn't come across to me that way during my teenage years and it carried forward. My mom has the typical Asian view that kids will always need guidance (I guess it holds true for all moms in general regardless of race and culture) and its not a bad thing. However I think there is a vast difference between dispensing advice and expecting a person to follow your “advice”, because in the end don’t we owe it to ourselves to live our own lives. If I made a mistake in my life, it's my mistake and there is no one to blame but myself. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway, making mistakes and learning from in. Growing from it.
Well anyway back to headaches and heartaches I guess it is pretty obvious that being with a stubborn mule like me means that the general atmosphere in my family isn’t all that pleasant all the time but I think we had our moments. My family isn’t the type of family who is expressive with emotions other than anger and reprimanding/nagging each other but still no family is perfect right :) Things could be worse and at least we all love each other no matter how much we argue. Ahh hormones kicking in (Ok I am making excuses again) ...
The fight with Ramon
In short (because it involves someone else other than myself) I had trouble communicating with him. I know that communication is important but sometimes it is so exasperating to be talking to someone who is overly detailed and can’t handle emotions. I agree that talking when you are overly emotionally isn’t all that good but sometimes when I am really frustrated or upset I don’t know what to do. Admittedly that I find it hard to seek solace in another and it comes out as me being angry so I probably deserve it but I feel so alone. I think I’ve always felt alone its just that when you had someone who was there for you even for the briefest of moment, you become painfully aware of how cold and empty and it leaves a void within that needs to be filled.
(Gosh this sounds needy)
Yes I think that is just my problem. Afraid of sounding needy. Afraid (or is it too stubborn?) of asking for help.
What I realize from the fight with Ramon is that to communicate is a 2 way thing. I can’t just try and tune in to his brain all the time. He got to meet me halfway. We both got to meet each other halfway. Having communication problems with Ramon made me realize that to understand what other people is trying to tell me, I got to tune in to them and meet them halfway too. I guess I have been stubborn and always telling myself that other people aren’t in the same wave length as me blabla and that is valid enough for me then to just shove them aside. Which on the side note make me lose out in getting in touch with people and ideas.
(Hmm food for thought…)
The fight with sis.
It’s about mom. I realize yesterday that I was so bitter. Bitter that my mom wasn’t the mom all nice like in the story books etc and she is probably bitter that I wasn’t the perfect daughter (which I find really hilarious at this moment because of the irony in it) You see I have in a way always felt that my mom didn’t except me for who I am and I hated it. Well I am laughing (mentally la) as I write this because I got a taste of my own medicine and I didn’t realize this until now. *Sigh*(Happy sigh). I guess what my sister wants is for everyone to get along though she didn’t say anything when I asked her and I am going to try my best to withhold my tongue. As I told Ramon, there is a time for questions and a time to shut up
Its time for me to Shut Up
at 1:48 am