I think it’s the weather but today I am feeling very alone. Questions like “What do I want in life?” and “Who am I?” is floating in this mesh of me.
Finally my life is my own, but I got choices to make that would affect my life in a big way. It is rather scary.Funny how years back I wanted my own life but I also wanted someone else to make choices for me. In a way I wasn’t really living my own life. I was in limbo. Yes I went to class did my assignments and all the dreary mundane things with the occasional excitement of being in theater and activism but I was still bound to my obligations.
Graduating from university is very liberating for me in the sense that I am finally not bound to my parents any more. If I end up in jail for something that I believe in I won’t have to worry. There was an incident where a group of activist who got arrested and the first thought that came into my head was “Oh God, I hope they are alright” which was just a cover up for the relief I felt “…. Thank God I wasn’t there”. Yes I am ashamed to say it but that was what I thought. “Thank God I didn’t go to jail because Pa and Ma would be so disappointed” which lead to “I can forget about graduating if that happens.”
Freedom is very elusive. Once you think you are free other responsibilities comes your way. Financially I am also ashamed to say that I am still somewhat dependent on them but hey I am trying.
So back to questions pertaining to what I want in life and who I am.
I know I want to be happy and I am who I am.
Maybe I can’t answer these questions because life is changing all the time and what I want is always changing.
I WANT THIS! I WANT THAT!
People’s wants are inexhaustible. Once we get what we want we want something else.
Take this moment for instance. I am wearing my gold heels which I wanted years back. I even had to beg Ramon to lend me some money to get it. I wore it once for clubbing and than chucked it in the shoe rack up until today. Today its nothing more than a pair of heels I dug out.
I want to travel and not travel in the touristy way (though if you have a limited amount of time you’ve got to do the touristy stuff). So I am applying for the au pair program. Now when the host family is finally in contact, I still want it but I am also scared because I would have to leave the familiar. It’s a vulnerable feelingStage Glam
I claim not to want to act on stage but I do. Is it for the glam factor? I don’t see what’s so glamorous about it. Maybe its because I don’t want all of the spotlight on me…just a little will do(… an in depth entry on why I want to act would be left for some other time…) Well I booked myself an audition at KLPAC and it took me about a week to the deadline to go ahead with it. I hate to say it but I am scared. I think its because I want it and I don’t want to disappoint myself.
WHO AM I?
I can make a soap drama out of my friend’s life. One had an abortion and the other is having an affair with a married man. When I was younger I detest smokers but now I am one and I’ve gotten over the guilt trip.
I say I firmly believe in pro-life and against abortion yet when it boils down to it, its just words when you are in the situation. In a way just saying something is easy. It’s easy to say this is my principals and I will stick to it. It takes a certain courage for someone to stick to them but I myself I don’t think I am that strong and that is why I don’t have a stand on anything when it is to do with somebody’s life. Who am I to say that what she did was right or wrong. I respect my friend for the choice she made because I understand that it was a hard one. Some people might say she is selfish but I don’t think so.
Friend who is having an affair with a married man.
She knows it is wrong and she feels bad. In a way I think she is happier with that arrangement because I never thought that she is the 100% fully committed type. She needs her space and… well the last time I talked face to face was a long time ago. Maybe 3 or 4 years back? Do I think any less of her? No. People make the choices they make and I respect that. I only hope that she is happy la. If it’s really love than I would say that it takes great courage to take actions on it. If not it is what it is.
So how does this relate to who I am? I don’t know. Erm what would I do if I was faced in the same situation?
Maybe the trick is to appreciate what we have/get and live for the moment. The only thing that matter is the here and now.