3 months in the States and finally I have settled down to a nice quiet routine.
I don't feel so pissed off here
I don't go over the speed limit
When some one asks me how am I, for the first time in my life I say I feel great (and mean it too)
Yes there are many things that are wrong about where I am and where I live but I am happy here.
Maybe I just need a change of scene
Maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone
Who knows and I don't care because I am happy
Friday, August 17, 2007
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I think it’s the weather but today I am feeling very alone. Questions like “What do I want in life?” and “Who am I?” is floating in this mesh of me.
GRADUATION
Graduating from university is very liberating for me in the sense that I am finally not bound to my parents any more. If I end up in jail for something that I believe in I won’t have to worry. There was an incident where a group of activist who got arrested and the first thought that came into my head was “Oh God, I hope they are alright” which was just a cover up for the relief I felt “…. Thank God I wasn’t there”. Yes I am ashamed to say it but that was what I thought. “Thank God I didn’t go to jail because Pa and Ma would be so disappointed” which lead to “I can forget about graduating if that happens.”
Freedom is very elusive. Once you think you are free other responsibilities comes your way. Financially I am also ashamed to say that I am still somewhat dependent on them but hey I am trying.
I know I want to be happy and I am who I am.
Maybe I can’t answer these questions because life is changing all the time and what I want is always changing.
I WANT THIS! I WANT THAT!
People’s wants are inexhaustible. Once we get what we want we want something else.
Shoes
Take this moment for instance. I am wearing my gold heels which I wanted years back. I even had to beg Ramon to lend me some money to get it. I wore it once for clubbing and than chucked it in the shoe rack up until today. Today its nothing more than a pair of heels I dug out.
Travel
I want to travel and not travel in the touristy way (though if you have a limited amount of time you’ve got to do the touristy stuff). So I am applying for the au pair program. Now when the host family is finally in contact, I still want it but I am also scared because I would have to leave the familiar. It’s a vulnerable feeling
I claim not to want to act on stage but I do. Is it for the glam factor? I don’t see what’s so glamorous about it. Maybe its because I don’t want all of the spotlight on me…just a little will do(… an in depth entry on why I want to act would be left for some other time…) Well I booked myself an audition at KLPAC and it took me about a week to the deadline to go ahead with it. I hate to say it but I am scared. I think its because I want it and I don’t want to disappoint myself.
WHO AM I?
I can make a soap drama out of my friend’s life. One had an abortion and the other is having an affair with a married man. When I was younger I detest smokers but now I am one and I’ve gotten over the guilt trip.
I say I firmly believe in pro-life and against abortion yet when it boils down to it, its just words when you are in the situation. In a way just saying something is easy. It’s easy to say this is my principals and I will stick to it. It takes a certain courage for someone to stick to them but I myself I don’t think I am that strong and that is why I don’t have a stand on anything when it is to do with somebody’s life. Who am I to say that what she did was right or wrong. I respect my friend for the choice she made because I understand that it was a hard one. Some people might say she is selfish but I don’t think so.
Friend who is having an affair with a married man.
She knows it is wrong and she feels bad. In a way I think she is happier with that arrangement because I never thought that she is the 100% fully committed type. She needs her space and… well the last time I talked face to face was a long time ago. Maybe 3 or 4 years back? Do I think any less of her? No. People make the choices they make and I respect that. I only hope that she is happy la. If it’s really love than I would say that it takes great courage to take actions on it. If not it is what it is.
So how does this relate to who I am? I don’t know. Erm what would I do if I was faced in the same situation?
Maybe the trick is to appreciate what we have/get and live for the moment. The only thing that matter is the here and now.
Savour the moment
So I applied for an au pair program and today there is an email from the agency that there is a host family who is interested. Later on when I checked my inbox… the first contact with a host family.
I got to admit that when I applied in October I didn’t think that things would move so fast. It’s a little scary and exciting at the same time. Funny how it’s a little like a death sentence (in a good way). Knowing that there is a high chance that I will be going off to another country, leaving my family, friends and all that I am familiar with it makes me want to savor it all the more.
So that’s what I am going to do.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
To a new phase
So here I am at work and I should be working mind you but it’s so easy to just slip off and do something else because you can. Sometimes having absolute freedom maybe fun but if you can’t keep yourself in check who can? Sad existence needing someone to keep you in check.
Over and out from the lazy bugger
Friday, October 07, 2005
eVerYthing mashed up into one post
Well hear I am back at blogging again.
Some how things seem to be slowing down for me at the moment.
Exams, spending time with my mate who went on her world tour took up my time are among the few that lead to the inactivity of this blog.
Whats new?
The latest event for the past 6 Sundays, I have been attending a workshop organized by KYRSS and an art gallery call Reka Art’s Space. Right now I should be working on the piece that I am to submit in about 12 hours time and I think I am a bit stump. Maybe I am recollecting whatever that happened in the workshop.
Alright what are these workshops about? The first 3 weeks were discussions on identity gender and sexuality and the last 3 weeks were meant for the participants to express their thoughts through art.
1.
The first few questions that popped in my head was what is an artist? But that question was in my mind long before this workshop started. Well the search is over, I finally got the answer the my question.
To me art has to be personal but than the matter of personal is rather ambiguous.
I got to say that going to the workshop made me spend more time in the library and I discovered Picasso other than Frida Kahlo who was always my favourite artist.
2.
Back to the workshop...So before I joined this workshop my thoughts on identity was that gender and sexuality is a subset of gender and sexuality. But now come to think of it if how you feel towards a person be it loathing or sexually attraction can mold who you are.
What I am questioning now is that what if identity is a large painting, Would the details that make out the painting consist of sexual preference and gender?
What makes the painting a painting anyway. The texture of the paper? The colors embedded? The scratches on the surface of the material that you are using? More questions that needs to be answered.
3.
Why would an obese person repulse me somehow? Some people feel pity when they know that someone don’t believe in God, or the God that they believe in anyway (eyes rolling here)
4. So what is identity, sexuality and gender?
Still in the dark but here are some Highlights from the workshop
There is no one marker to identify a single straight female (still really from the shock and will explain in detail some other time)
It grossed me out to see a daughter kissing her biological father in an intimate way but some how it wasn’t that repulsive watching her kiss her mother. Question. Why so?!?
Obese people don’t repulse me but watching human bodies being treated as cattle i.e hanging on the meat hooks really disgusted me. Thankfully I saved myself by switching to a third person mode. Thats when most of my emotions were tuned out.
Story that pissed me off the most was the story of a disable aboriginal girl who was raped by an officer who worked in a department who were suppose to take care of the aborigine’s rights and well being. Talk about ironic. To cap it off the only reason why he was found out is because she got pregnant Even then when asked for a RM 5000 compensation the guy paid RM 2500 and disappeared. Argh writing this down still enrages me. No wonder we need a fictional character like superman or spiderman. The Heroes of justice
Alright cool down …1.2.3.4.5.6.7 breathes deeply bla
5.
I think I am partially humbled by the fact that artist draw every chance they have and I have been lamenting that I can’t draw as well blabla and lamenting just leaves you with nothing. Still some how I don’t know but staring at the empty white paper and taking the first step drawing is somewhat scary all the time for me. Maybe its like the initial reluctance to jump into a pool of cold water when you want to go swimming. You want to go into the pool inch by inch but you know it is definitely easier in the long run if you just jump in the pool.
Some how things seem to be slowing down for me at the moment.
Exams, spending time with my mate who went on her world tour took up my time are among the few that lead to the inactivity of this blog.
Whats new?
The latest event for the past 6 Sundays, I have been attending a workshop organized by KYRSS and an art gallery call Reka Art’s Space. Right now I should be working on the piece that I am to submit in about 12 hours time and I think I am a bit stump. Maybe I am recollecting whatever that happened in the workshop.
Alright what are these workshops about? The first 3 weeks were discussions on identity gender and sexuality and the last 3 weeks were meant for the participants to express their thoughts through art.
1.
The first few questions that popped in my head was what is an artist? But that question was in my mind long before this workshop started. Well the search is over, I finally got the answer the my question.
A man who works with his hands is a labourer;- quote from Louis Nizer, lawyer to Salvador Dali and Charlie Chaplin.
A man who works with his hands
and his brains is a craftsman;
A man who works with his hands and his brains
and his heart is an artist
To me art has to be personal but than the matter of personal is rather ambiguous.
I got to say that going to the workshop made me spend more time in the library and I discovered Picasso other than Frida Kahlo who was always my favourite artist.
2.
Back to the workshop...So before I joined this workshop my thoughts on identity was that gender and sexuality is a subset of gender and sexuality. But now come to think of it if how you feel towards a person be it loathing or sexually attraction can mold who you are.
What I am questioning now is that what if identity is a large painting, Would the details that make out the painting consist of sexual preference and gender?
What makes the painting a painting anyway. The texture of the paper? The colors embedded? The scratches on the surface of the material that you are using? More questions that needs to be answered.
3.
Why would an obese person repulse me somehow? Some people feel pity when they know that someone don’t believe in God, or the God that they believe in anyway (eyes rolling here)
4. So what is identity, sexuality and gender?
Still in the dark but here are some Highlights from the workshop
There is no one marker to identify a single straight female (still really from the shock and will explain in detail some other time)
It grossed me out to see a daughter kissing her biological father in an intimate way but some how it wasn’t that repulsive watching her kiss her mother. Question. Why so?!?
Obese people don’t repulse me but watching human bodies being treated as cattle i.e hanging on the meat hooks really disgusted me. Thankfully I saved myself by switching to a third person mode. Thats when most of my emotions were tuned out.
Story that pissed me off the most was the story of a disable aboriginal girl who was raped by an officer who worked in a department who were suppose to take care of the aborigine’s rights and well being. Talk about ironic. To cap it off the only reason why he was found out is because she got pregnant Even then when asked for a RM 5000 compensation the guy paid RM 2500 and disappeared. Argh writing this down still enrages me. No wonder we need a fictional character like superman or spiderman. The Heroes of justice
Alright cool down …1.2.3.4.5.6.7 breathes deeply bla
5.
I think I am partially humbled by the fact that artist draw every chance they have and I have been lamenting that I can’t draw as well blabla and lamenting just leaves you with nothing. Still some how I don’t know but staring at the empty white paper and taking the first step drawing is somewhat scary all the time for me. Maybe its like the initial reluctance to jump into a pool of cold water when you want to go swimming. You want to go into the pool inch by inch but you know it is definitely easier in the long run if you just jump in the pool.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Are you An Artist?
Weekend workshop organized by Sisters In Islam (SIS) : - Artist and Activists for Justice
Venue : - Shah Village Hotel…beside A&W near Amcorp Mall
Random thoughts 1 throughout the workshop.
4th of August 2005
Are you An Artist?
No one would say they are an artist. Why? I think we are afraid to put labels on ourselves. Set up too high an expectation on yourself? Artist are an elite class? Is it beyond our reach? Unattainable? Low self esteem = modesty?
My take is that we got to be brave. Brave enough to face the critics. Brave enough to put ourselves there; In the line of fire.
Venue : - Shah Village Hotel…beside A&W near Amcorp Mall
Random thoughts 1 throughout the workshop.
4th of August 2005
Are you An Artist?
No one would say they are an artist. Why? I think we are afraid to put labels on ourselves. Set up too high an expectation on yourself? Artist are an elite class? Is it beyond our reach? Unattainable? Low self esteem = modesty?
My take is that we got to be brave. Brave enough to face the critics. Brave enough to put ourselves there; In the line of fire.
[- - Ouch
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Exhibition and road Rage
Had a pretty good night. The whole morning was spent sleeping on the couch pushing the dogs head and legs away. The neighbour is renovating and the sounds of the drilling and pounding….Jeez its torture so as you can see my days in the house is pretty bad
One week mid term break right now
Sun goes down ..and moon comes up
Back to the creatures of the night. Creative Chargers here I come. Was charging all the way to the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) Center when oopsie doo its Creative Change. Well I met Jac who seems to be the mastermind behind this project and had my Orientation. I really didn’t know there was an orientation. Well the orientation left me with a free teh o ais limau (ice lime tea?) and loads of interesting comments thrown with cussing from jac. I was kind off hoping to see how a meeting would go. A little disappointed but you can’t stay down long with good company.
The meeting ended
Reka arts gallery - exhibition by Sharon Chin = boats and bridges.
Sharon used to go to my high school and God damn my high school mates are there.
Don’t ask me why but I am just an anti social when it comes to people who knew me..ok ok I was angry and repress in high school. I was angry. I thought everyone was lame…except me ehhe. I was bored. Guys look at me weird when I played basketball. Ahh high school. I just remember tons of anger and good friends.
Well back to the exhibition so yea I was avoiding a couple of people. You may say I am stuck up but I just feel its all hypocritical talking to them. I don’t know. That’s how I feel.
So the exhibition opening night. At first I didn’t really get it, it made no sense to me (but that was probably the brains talking and thinking about the amount of people in the small space) I would say that there seem to be a reoccurring theme to the exhibition. The one that stood out would be the installation (is that the right word?) with barricade tape flapping in the air conditioned room. The piece that left the most impression in me after I left was this piece which….trying hard to think of a description. Ok imagine a big piece of liquid paperery white paper all grainy and white. Now scatter islands around filled with square block cells much like your little mathematics exercise books you used in high school. Fill the cubes with statements and letters and finally make sure everything is 2-D and there you have it the piece that left an impression on my mind. Its not so much visually stimulating for me but answering the questions written on the islands. Name 5 anatomical body part. Erm not too sure about that. Name 5 porn websites (I am sure its easy for some but all my mind came up with is zilch. Dead tone) Name 5 philosophers ooo I know that Socrates,Plato erm yea I know that …lala name 5 poets…Blake?
Anyway the point is it actually made me a little embarrassed because I couldn’t answer these questions (not the porn site one la) like 5 philosophers hello I should be able to and poets ooo is Dante a poet? Well anyway it just shows how ignorant I am and that is why I like that piece.
One week mid term break right now
Sun goes down ..and moon comes up
Back to the creatures of the night. Creative Chargers here I come. Was charging all the way to the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) Center when oopsie doo its Creative Change. Well I met Jac who seems to be the mastermind behind this project and had my Orientation. I really didn’t know there was an orientation. Well the orientation left me with a free teh o ais limau (ice lime tea?) and loads of interesting comments thrown with cussing from jac. I was kind off hoping to see how a meeting would go. A little disappointed but you can’t stay down long with good company.
The meeting ended
Reka arts gallery - exhibition by Sharon Chin = boats and bridges.
Sharon used to go to my high school and God damn my high school mates are there.
Don’t ask me why but I am just an anti social when it comes to people who knew me..ok ok I was angry and repress in high school. I was angry. I thought everyone was lame…except me ehhe. I was bored. Guys look at me weird when I played basketball. Ahh high school. I just remember tons of anger and good friends.
Well back to the exhibition so yea I was avoiding a couple of people. You may say I am stuck up but I just feel its all hypocritical talking to them. I don’t know. That’s how I feel.
So the exhibition opening night. At first I didn’t really get it, it made no sense to me (but that was probably the brains talking and thinking about the amount of people in the small space) I would say that there seem to be a reoccurring theme to the exhibition. The one that stood out would be the installation (is that the right word?) with barricade tape flapping in the air conditioned room. The piece that left the most impression in me after I left was this piece which….trying hard to think of a description. Ok imagine a big piece of liquid paperery white paper all grainy and white. Now scatter islands around filled with square block cells much like your little mathematics exercise books you used in high school. Fill the cubes with statements and letters and finally make sure everything is 2-D and there you have it the piece that left an impression on my mind. Its not so much visually stimulating for me but answering the questions written on the islands. Name 5 anatomical body part. Erm not too sure about that. Name 5 porn websites (I am sure its easy for some but all my mind came up with is zilch. Dead tone) Name 5 philosophers ooo I know that Socrates,Plato erm yea I know that …lala name 5 poets…Blake?
Anyway the point is it actually made me a little embarrassed because I couldn’t answer these questions (not the porn site one la) like 5 philosophers hello I should be able to and poets ooo is Dante a poet? Well anyway it just shows how ignorant I am and that is why I like that piece.
- End of exhibition –
Rage - boiling point
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Identity- Who Am I and Story
Finished this piece, Identity- Who Am I, at about 5am plus. My boobs are in there some where eheheheh.erm i guess i should start on my writing exercise.Anyway the picture made me write this little story.
STORY Begin
“Where am I?”
I shudder despite the hot sun beating down on me.
I remember the first time I woke up in the hospital bed, the ceiling fan beat slowly round and round and everything was white and pristine. I hear a woman sobbing beside my bed.
“Who are you. Why are you crying.”
“Oh Sherly, Oh Sherly”
“Who is Sherly”
Waking up seems like a decade ago but in truth it has only been a month ago. I hear all sorts of things about Sherly. She is the most popular girl in school, captain of the cheerleading squad, and doing well academically. She was the girl that every girl want to be. Perfect.
I have the “greatest” boyfriend who is attentive to my every need according to my best friend Rory. Doug is nice about everything. He walks me to class and eats lunch with me everyday. Every time we leave for class or home he gives me a peck on the cheek.
This is supposedly the guy of my dreams and at this moment kissing him I feel no more love for him than I do for a teddy bear in the shop that I did not grow up with.
How long is it before the façade would show? How can I go through it all? Everything is so perfect.
Everyone expects me to be the girl I was but I don’t know this person they keep mentioning. I reek with guilty for feeling this way. My best friend, my boyfriend and my parents, I think they aren’t really mine at all, they belong to someone else. I know that I should love them but somehow it seems as if the memories that are washed away took the feelings with it too. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way but sometimes I feel so lost and alone. Every time people talk about her, I want to run up and just scream at them. This is more than just living an angst ridden teenage life; this is trying to live up to an identity. The one identity who is perfect and yet supposed to be Me. I don’t feel like this girl that everyone knows. The popular girl, the smartest girl, the girl that has everything going for her, Who is this? Who am I? Am I someone else or I do still have remnants of her left?
God please give me strength.
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