Saturday, February 26, 2005

What i have been up to

It has been some time since I last wrote. There are some issues that I have been avoiding.

Still am in a way.

What i have been up to
I have been sorting out myself. You see I am plague by self doubt and insecurities. It would seem that most people have that problem too but as of yet I am too self involved to make myself readily available to those that needs a shoulder to cry on. At times I feel that I am stuck in a deep hole that I personally dug and lie down willingly. The worse thing is the I know my problem and I am unmotivated to fix it. I find that I at times I am unmotivated to do anything in life. Especially studies. I can blame it on the education system in Malaysia but in the end it still boils down to me. I don't make it interesting for myself.
I want things presented my way. I want it my way and that is my fault.

I would like to try my luck as a writer but since I am plague by this self destructive disease of being fearful, I find that what I am writing right now to be not who I really am. In a way I am practicing self censorship because there is a part of me that is afraid . I am afraid that if I open myself fully (even if I am sort of “anonymous”) it would make me vulnerable. Yes even in this obscure world of the Internet.

There has been many times when I told myself and my friends that to open up to another human being would mean that you are a stronger person as oppose to one who do not trust and forgive another. Yet right now I find it hard to open up. It is sad that fellow human beings are mistrustful of each other especially city folks. It is interesting to note that trust is earn and not freely given. What I find most distressing is that when a person who opens up to people with pure and good intentions are often envied and surrounded by malicious people. I have a theory on why this happens. My theory is that people who are good and at peace with themselves often induce the worse of the people who craves it.
Alright I am talking about one particular person and I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

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