Sunday, November 28, 2004
Its been a Long week. There were exams on Monday and Tuesday (that cost me to gigantic red zits one on each side of my cheeks) and then there was the YA’s evaluation on Saturday ohh and on Friday I had a workshop with Rohaizad Suaidi…argh yes yes as you can see I am used to a stress free life. And to cap it off today. Today there is a tryouts for the debates in Manila which is happening on the 3rd of December to 13th. Phew long week.
Well it’s the end of the week and I don’t really want to relive it but well basically I had only 2 papers. Monday’s morning paper is Media History (Hmm seems like so long ago). I think I did pretty OK for that though there was 1 out 3 essay question which got me stumped…(or was that the econ’s paper?) Well Tuesday was the screwed up one. I got over confident and didn’t study for it ‘til 3 hours before. Argh. I remember regretting not studying when I stoned at the essay Question for the Microeconomics paper but ahh well whatever.
Free day lala-ing about and grumping over the giant spots.
bLogging blogging blogging (Sing along to “rolling rolling rolling” song)
Ahh the script. Got to met up with Des to give her the shirt. Suppose to meet her at 2pm but well the rubber time got to me and I was 1 hour late (Hey I told her at 1.30pm that I was going to be late). Man she is stressed but she really like the shirt. Had lunch at 3:30pm ++ , fagged and she went back to the office.
I met up with Des again later in the night but it was just a brief thing because I had to met Idora and Teresa in KLCC. It was rather fn. We chit chat at first and brainstormed about where the scene would take place. The entire process would just take too long to go into detail but we ended up with a scene where I was character number 3 who is a man looking for a night out. Character 2 is a prostitute and character 1 is a boutique owner.
Got to get to the workshop at British Council. I got back from the meet up with Idora and Teresa at about 5 or 6 am but I got to wake up at 12pm cause I got to move my stuff out of the hostel. Shite. I am the queen of grumps today. Stressed and the lack of sleep makes me a bitch. Up and down I went carrying bags of books, clothes … then when over to Ramon’s place and well I was edgy and grumpy. Meet mom at the LRT station at 6pm+ cause of a massive traffic jam and got to the workshop 5 minutes late but thankfully it haven’t started.
It really wasn’t what I was expecting. Its really the highlight of my day. The facilitator Rohaizad was the person who thought up of this play called OP’s Ophelia – A Fashion Opera. It was interesting to note that no one participant of this workshop has seen the play.
I expected a lot more physical movement in the workshop but thankfully it was him telling us how he began the process of getting the idea for his play OP’s Ophelia.
Act 1 - Hamlet is a play that intrigued him
Act 2 - Ophelia draws Rohaizad to her watery sad bosom.
Act 3 – Discovering the many faces of Ophelia
Act 4 – Rohaizad loves fashion and opera
Act 1 + Act 2 + Act 3 + Act 4 became Op’s Ophelia
Homework – FIND YOUR OPhelia.
Step 1 – Identifying Your Hamlet
Hamlet could be a book that inspired you or like me Greek and Viking mythology have always been a fascinating subject for me
Step 2 - Identifying Your Ophelia
- will be filled in when I have don it
Step 3 – Knowing more about your subject of Facination
Meeting Up with Idora and Teresa (Part II)
Venue : Bangsar
Time : 11pm
Objective : rehearse play and brainstorm another piece (heavy)
1. I was checking out women after I left Ramon and I got a bit freaked out but it added to my “manliness”
2. Heavy dark piece was about Death. 3 friends at a memorial and Character 1 gets emotional crying outburst. Character 2 (Idora) is the mediator. Character 3 has a bf (bitch fit) towards the end.
End : 6am
Thursday, November 25, 2004
… who thinks that being fair is the epitome of beauty.
… who would only date some one who has fair skin.
… who thinks that people who have darker skin are beneath them.
… who thinks that money = happiness
(what a sad lot)
… who thinks being as thin as a celery is sexy
- add on when I can think of more -
On behalf of these people I say SORRY
' What we got to remember is that we are ALL children of the universe.
No more no less than the trees and the sun and the moon. '
This makes me try and remember to eradicate the below from my life and thoughts
Racism, misconceptions, biasness, ignorance, arrogance and FEAR
damn it is hard
The Z’s took hold of me right after I posted the blog yesterday and I got up at 9pm to wish Des happy birthday. My plans for a mini party at Des’es place is out the window.
I have just gone through a quarter of the book and it really made me sad and a bit pissed off.
There was a part where this boy kept asking questions to his dad and his dad kept replying “you’ll understand when you get older”. Well that got me thinking, maybe that is why when we were young we all wanted to be older, because kids assume that the mysteries of the world would unfold when ‘we get older’. Then we get older and find that we still don’t know all the answers you had as a kid and to top it all we have less fun. Really sad.
Was having a discussion with Ramon just now and I realize that I am super sensitive to this whole Asian-Western thing.
I am overly sensitive to comments about Asians/Asia especially if subject is comparing with the West.
Sadly this is what my ex-roomie thinks and I had a friend who thinks that.
(We didn’t fall out because of that)
Verdict - Guilty
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Shite can’t find the battery charger…I need sleep. Its 12.20pm now. Didn’t sleep the entire night…I searched every where but I still can’t remember where I chucked the charger.
No Charger = No Pics tonight
I just posted the session on the YA’s. YA stand for youth.arm. I really don’t know what to call it. Is it a coalition? Well maybe but I guess I would like to see it as a gathering of youth’s in Klang Valley who are passionate about theater. YA that’s what it is.
What have I been doing the entire day other than try to get on the Net? Well today is Des’es Birthday and I’m planning to give her a Money-Cannot-Buy, One-Of-A-Kind tee. Why I say that is cause yesterday I went to the mall and got her a plain white top and money can’t buy it cause I modified the shirt. How you say? Well simple really. With my sturdy hands, access to the Internet and nifty pens…drum roll please… I drew on it. Hey I am pretty proud of it you know.
Humble Pie me : Ohh forgive me for being proud for I have not slept for days
Miss Boastful me : No…No need for forgiveness after all why deny the Truth.
I’ll make her wear it when I see her tonight and take a pic..ehehe. Anyway here is a picture of the fish I got off the Net to draw on her B.day shirt. Its 8.16 am now and I am waiting for the shops to open so I can get some colored pens for the flowers. Hmm…maybe I should go swimming. Ahh dunno la, I’ll probably drown anyway. Will continue to blog when the shops are open and I finish the shirt.
Warm ups for today were pretty fun in a way. There was a certain set that made racy thoughts running in my head…eheh (pervy look here).
Recipe for “Palm Circle Garden”.
First get a bunch of nutters like the YA’s, then get everyone in a circle (holding hands should suffice). After doing exercises that makes everyone giggle, ensure everyone is in a circle and then get the people to place thier palms with the persons next to them. Now push and then get every1 to lean forward. Repeat steps.
Its pretty cool because I felt this force pushing from my rights side but the energy level from my left was so limp. Total contrast.
Today’s session was an eye opener for me. We had to this little sketch in 3 variations. I found out today that arms flying around is my signature. As for me having a lack of focus I guessed I kinda knew that. There was one scene where I really felt like someone else…but that lasted for a few seconds before I was back to myself again. It is kind of frustrating for me because I slip into character easily the first time around, and then when I lose focus I don't know how to get back to it. I wish someone would tell me. Are you that person?
Moving on I really like Azhar and Teresa performance. The plot was a real twister. Super cun and awe inspiring. Got me on the edge.
Towards the end we all sat around to for therapy. This 'lets talk about stuf' thingy really helps develop the finer details of acting, plus its really nice that people open up and help each other out by offering advice on how to solve ones problems. I really think that at the end of each meet up we should do this sharing bit because then no one goes home with questions or doubts in their heads. In the long term I think that this activity could help us avoid major problems later on especially if one party is not satisfied.
Lepak SessioN – PerFoRMaNce by Micheal
I’m in love…with his singing that is. Some of his songs made me feel a little sad by it was really mind blowing. I mean this is the guy who have the energy of ,quote ‘ a puppy’ but when he sings its like that is who he really is. Its so honest. I really like this song which he call Star. He said it was a cheesy title for the song but I really think that it suits it. Maybe it’s the atmosphere or maybe it’s the company but it really made my day.
Getting my mind blowed twice in a day ;) What more can a person ask …ahh the sigh of satisfaction
Saturday, November 20, 2004
1: The symbol of a woman is also a symbol of Venus. Apparently I just got to imagine a handheld mirror
2: The symbol of a man is also the symbol for Mars
…Ohh so that is why they call the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Doh…
What I did
- Minor Changes to blog + Friendster (ole skool crush)
Well I did some minor changes my blog, though it took me the whole night to figure out what was what. I tried using NetStat but it was a bit of a failure cause the counter just won't appear. Anyway surf around the net and got a much nicer one…hmph.
I was just going through friendster and I came across (well ok more like searching) this guy I had a crush on in high school. Honestly I swear I won’t remember him other than the fact that on some weird occasion on a dare I kinda blurted out that I liked him . I still get embarrassed thinking about it…in a funny way. I can’t imagine myself doing that now.
Ahh when we were young and silly.
Right when I was in high school I thought I knew everything. I kinda hated the people who thought that they were happening and stuff. I think in a way I was afraid of them. I always have this notion that being popular (as in soap opera/drama popular) means you don’t really have real friends. It’s probably just me watching too much teen flicks or maybe I just can’t stand the girls.
**Sigh** High school is such a long time ago but it was fun. Sure, sure I had a few bitchy moments and yea I had my heart broken when my frst "best" friend left me for another but its all part and parcel getting into the real world.
Facts about high skool Crush
Fact 1 : I hardly (it was more like never) spoken to him
Fact 2 : I had a crush on him because my mate tried this weird experiment on me to test out some mad theory of hers
Fact 3 : Weird experiment led me to having a crush on him from 14 til ….17?18?
Fact 4 : (from his frienster) Apparently this guy is some super stock market player and he wants to met a girl who is kinda of a girl next door.
(What issit with guys and girls next door? Ok its probably because I had bad experiences with girls next doors.. mumble mumble ... manipulating, conniving, oo popular …mumble some more... find I am probably just jealous mumble til you stop reading this)
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
(... transition to Incident begins)
I like smoke.
Actually I like fires more. Fires kind of have this mesmerizing quality about them. The way the flames lick of whatever it is feeding and everything just disappears.
Which reminds me of this incident.
(transition to Incident ends ...)
I did something which I think is weird 2 years back. I went up to Genting with a mate and I let him read my journal and then we both burnt it. I don’t really know why I did it. I mean that was the journal that I had to write when I did theater in MMU and everything I wrote in it was 100% me. It wasn’t one of those journals where I practiced censorship and stuff like that. It was a beginning in a way. I guess I just thought it was symbolic. Something like a toast to myself for starting on a new life and traveling a road less traveled.
Maybe that is why I am still stuck with the same man today (I had a weird habit of breaking up with guys after a year). Ha this is embarrassing but hell. I love the man I am with because he made me feel alive. No not in the whole lovey dovey way but I remember the reason why I fell in love with him is because he made me feel like a kid again. You know how kids are so eager to learn and everything is new and they are full of wonderment when they learn something? Well that is how Ramon makes me feel. I remember ransacking his stuff and exclaiming wao or ooo. There were all these little things that made me want to know more about what happened in his life and who this person is. There’s so much stuff to read and explore, I really love going over to his place. Ok I can go on and on about how wonderful he is but I have learnt that people tend to get bored after 2 or 3 minutes. But what can I say, writing this down made me realize that I still do have these feeling its just that they were buried under a ton of stoopid things which Ramon calls silly thoughts.
(Get ready for THE END)
Was backtracking and rereading my blog. I think my thoughts are kind of scattered today. I really don’t know where this blog is heading to but I do know for a fact that I can write easier before I sleep in the wee hours of the night (…or should I say morning???). I think maybe it’s because I am a night person. After all my dad always say that I was more active at night even when I was in my mother’s womb. Hmm I seem to be going off track again, so I think I will stop this blog for now cause its going nowhere.
What happened these past 10 days? Honestly I don’t really remember other than the fact that I went to some Deepavali makan fest at my neighbours place and another makan fest when I went and visit my grandma in Sitiawan, Perak. Its really weird but 1 week can seem like ages to me. So all I can tell you is what happened to me right before I started writing this
Right what have I been doing? I have been reading other people’s blogs. I don’t know I think I have come to a conclusion that reading too many people’s blogs puts me in a writer’s block mode. I think I will lie down now. Maybe it will help. Or maybe I will go watch some movies or something like that. **Sigh**
As you can see I am fickle minded.
Monday, November 08, 2004
1. Me thinks : I wonder how am I going to 'do' Andy's head. Ahh..when is Lena going to decide?
Lena thinks: I hope she doesn't cut off his ears...Oh gosh I was pissed but no one deserves this.
2. Me : This is the first time I am shaving...umm it feels good
3. Finn: Let me show you how a work of art is done
4. Lena : Oh My gawd I can't breath. Andy looks so sexy. Must remind myself to ask paikyin to give me a haircut too.
*disclaimer everything here is a fiction of my mind. All credits to me and only me.Muahahahaha*
Rudely awaken by the sound of my hand phone ringing. Mom called to tell me that she got to talk to me. I got down from Des’s apartment only to realize that I had to walk there. This is happening at 8:20 am, when I slept at 6am. Of course during the entire walk, I was pissed of and was thinking that if she wanna “talk” she could at least not let me walk…
Found out grandma had a stroke. I didn’t really absorb what she was saying at first. That and I don’t think I feel comfortable letting my mom see me upset.
Got home and tried calling Ramon. I guess he would still be sleeping. Finally I messaged him to call me when he gets up. I only realized I was distraught when I caught myself pacing while telling Ramon about my grandma.
AFTER - noon
I have to get to s.space. Jam! Jam! Jam! The whole of KL is in a jam. We had to send the car for servicing because the steering wheel was vibrating. Mom had to get to KL city centre and I was suppose to drive to s.space. Finally resorted to taking the LRT. By the time I got there it was 4:00 pm aargh.
We were doing voice projections today and I missed almost half of it. We were suppose to read a text on the spot. I picked Dorian Gray because I am familiar with the story. We were supposed to watch out pronunciation, intonation, speed etc.
David was the first to go. He couldn’t get into character because he got distracted by laughter(Something funny must have happened). Next up, Michael. What I remembered most about his performance was the how dramatic he made it when he had to be in pain when he was to read his text. There was a lot of body movements and in a way I guess it helped him because he was visualizing the scene. I was supposed to go next but since Idora had to leave early she went before me. I loved the way Idora read when she was suppose to be an 80 year old gypsy woman. Its amazing how she was an old gypsy woman just by using her voice its just amazing.
Well when it was my turn it wasn’t so amazing la :P I cried and it is embarrassing.
I couldn’t concentrate and apparently I have dyslexia. It didn’t bother me to much because its something that I could fix. I guess what bothers me the most about grandma’s stroke is this whole sense of helplessness. I mean in my life I always felt like nothing is impossible as long as there is a will. It’s just a matter of getting my motivation up. But when it comes to grandma, I really felt helpless. There is nothing I can do. I feel myself trying to grasp every second in life and trying hard to accumulate it so I can spend every second of it with her but I can’t. Death is an integral part of life that I know. Thinking about losing my grandma made me think of how many people I love and how I take it for granted that they are alive. Shaken that I was (sounds so Yoda-ish). Every moment with my love ones are precious and it is so easy to forget that.
Erm to the rest of you sorry I was lost in my world after that.
It is off to the National Arts Gallery. Thumb a lift from Sums. She is bursting with energy (too much sugar). Kinda reminds me of a chipmunk. I was supposed to go to the art gallery in the morning to view Jorg Shimon Schuldness exhibition. The Swiss ambassador was supposed conducting a tour of the exhibition for students. Didn’t go cause traffic jam and news on grandma.
I have been to a few exhibitions before but often alone and mostly in KLCC while waiting for mum to get off from work. I really had a lot of fun going to the gallery with company because there are some things that they pointed out that make me re-arrange my outlook. Idora took us to her piece and I really wondered what would happen if we found it. Would we be like one of those snotty people who go hmm…? Some how I don’t think so. Mum came and I introduce her to the rest of the gang. I think mum kinda enjoyed Idora’s piece.
Arrived home pretty late at about 9. Called pa and apparently grandma is ok. He sounded fine and that made me feel better. Going Zouk tonight after meeting up with some ex-collage mates in Passion. Got a few drinks from mates in Passion and then headed back to Zouk. It was 2am when we re-entered Zouk and the music is way better than last night. I got really high (on music and a dash of alcohol)
-M O R N A F T E R E V E - N T -
1. I went with Des, Melia, Ashley and Caroline.
2. We were the 1400++th patron
3. People were queuing from 4pm in the RAIN.
4. I felt like stealing someone’s goodie bag.Grrrr
Went back to Zouk at 11 and partied like hell. Told dj Fono that I like his music and surprise surprise, Des and I got to get on the guest list the next day.
Moral of the story : A little compliment goes a long way
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Lets see what happened today. Oh I went to Ikano with my roomie and her friend Janice. Saw 2 kids on a leash and images of people taking out their pet dogs came to mind. I was buying food when my button on my trousers popped and the worse thing is that my pants are held together by Velcro (the Velcro is where the zip is). Yes it was an embarrassing moment for me.The Velcro couldn’t stay shut and well, let’s just say I would be flashing more than just undies if you get my drift.
Was clearing out some space on my hotmail account and came across emails from my theater mates in 2001. Was reading emails from Shawn. He was the producer and I was the assistant. He is definitely one flirtatious bastard :) Apparently his kryptonite is a smile (from pretty gals of course lol). Its weird but reading his emails and thinking about the times spent with him, the last time we met really sticks in my mind.
The Last Meeting in Hartamas
It was our first meeting after theater was over. We met at Devi’s a mamak in Bangsar. At first it felt a little weird and we were just talking surface level talk. I know I definitely had this thought “Well I guess we have nothing to talk about after theater huh!”.
His friend came over later on, pretty nice guy though I can’t remember his name. Anyway we ate, had small talk and then proceeded to Hartamas for shisha. Things loosen up after that but seriously guys don't try banana flavored shisha. It tastes like artificial bananas ... bleh. After his friend left we started mamak hoping and this is where the weird shit happened.
We were sitting at a table outside (…thinking about it makes me freeze up a little) and we were just chatting. I don’t know how long we talked but after a while I felt this really dark presence. I only took noticed of it after sms-ing this guy (Ramon) whom I liked then but I was in denial (he is now my bf la). It started from a distance on my left. As it came closer it seemed that my surroundings became darker even though light was emitting from the mamak. This presence was definately coming our way. I can’t really remember all of it but I did know that at one point I felt it behind me and it was so dark but powerful. It felt like it was consuming all of my energy and was trying to break me. Wait I think it felt more like it wanted to get inside of me or it wanted me to embrace it or something like that.
I really got to say that it was dark. It wasn't evil, just very dark.It felt like within it nothing existed except for depression, despair and a feeling of hopelessness and that was all it knew. It definitely didn’t originate from me. I mean I had my bouts of rainy days but nothing like this. Hell I was scared (still a little freaked out now just thinking about it) but I have a rebellious streak in me and I guess that kept me from giving in at first. During this whole time both me and Shawn didn’t utter a single word. Finally I decided to get up and go to the ladies. I thought that this presence would go away but it didn’t. I felt it followed me, though it wasn’t as strong as before. I think it went away after I just mentally gave away when I was still in the restroom. Shite I remember peeing and still feeling the presence. It felt like I have done some sort of deal just to get it of my back (literally).
I got out of the restroom and went back to the table. I guess it all won’t seem so real if Shawn didn’t say that he felt the presence too. In a way when he said he felt that presence I was relieved because it meant that I wasn’t going crazy but it really made the “deal” seem more real.
--can’t write about this no more –
My heart feels heavy after writing this incident but it makes me more determine to go through with things with Ramon. I don’t think that I am that same person in that story. Need my sleep. Good night world.
*May no one ever have that kinda of presence within.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Back to the letter, what struck me as odd was that she said that maybe I am afraid of happiness. Now that sounds rather gloomy because who wants to be sad right? In truth I think in a way I embrace sadness. I honestly don’t know if I am afraid of happiness or I feel guilty for being better off than most people. Is it right to feel sad inside and yet have nothing bad happened in your life? I really don’t know. All through my life I felt like I was an observer not a participant in life. That is until I did theater in 2001.
It sounds corny I know but I really felt like finally there is a purpose in my life and there was some sort of direction my life was heading towards. Maybe because I find it some magical that total strangers can come together and allow each other to glimpse a side that is buried deep inside. Maybe I have always believed in magic and theater got me to be more of a participant in life, not just an observer. I honestly can’t say. I envy the people who know what they want to do in life. All I know is that for now, theater has a hold on me.
Still I guess there is a small part of me that is shut off from the world. I know that hiding behind masks and this “self-protective” wall we create to shield ourselves actually makes us weaker rather than stronger. I know that to not open up to people is just a form of cowardice and it can hurt the people close to us, but it really is so hard to let go of this safety net that we build for ourselves. This self made cocoon feels so much safer as oppose to taking risk with disappointments, frustrations or being betrayed. I guess the people who do not put up barriers are the stronger ones because they have less fear and more faith in humankind.
I say this is an ode to great friends because without them I would not have had as much faith in friendship and if I don’t believe in friendship I highly doubt I would believe in Love.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Weedflower came to being because of a story I read a long time ago.
The story begins with a little girl (not me, just a random girl la).One day, this particular little girl passed an abandon field full of bright red poppies basking in the afternoon sunlight. To the little girl it was the most beautiful flower she had ever seen and she begged her mother to let her bring some poppy seeds home to plant in their garden. Like a sensible adult the mother said no, for these poppies were nothing more than just common weeds in the mother’s eyes. Well this little girl was perplexed as she couldn’t understand why her mother would not want to have these “flowers” in their garden. She went home and dreamt about her garden filled with bright red poppies. The next day she secretly brought back some poppy seeds in her pocket and planted the seeds in the garden. The little girl waited for the poppies to grow and when the flowers bloomed the little girl was naturally delighted. However the poppies grew rapidly and soon consumed the entire garden. The little girl’s mother tried to get rid of them but couldn’t. After some time the family moved.
Many years passed and the little girl grew into a young woman. She came back to the house she once lived. The house was abandon and in shambles but all around the compound was filled with bright red poppies. When the young woman saw the poppies, she smiled and was brought back to the time when she was a little girl. In her eyes the poppies are still the most beautiful flowers in the world.
---The End ---
Well that is how this nick came about. Weed to the mother but flower to the little girl. If you ask me to describe myself I think this story says it all.
This story really made me think about people’s perception of the world around us. It is a little sad that the older we get the more jaded with the world we seem to be. I guess this story helps to keep the little girl in me :P
*Plus doesn’t anyone remember picking “flowers” for your mother. The “flowers” I picked for my mom were love grass.
Picture off the Net