Wednesday, November 17, 2004

hYpeR and oN CiggieS

Ahh feeling very hyper right now. Feel like yikkity yak yak. Me is having a ciggy now and it is glorious. I think the relationship I am having with ciggies is like being stuck in the bad boy (or bad girl) syndrome. You know it’s bad for you but god dammit it feels sooo good. Yes, yes I have been in denial that I even had a relationship with cigarettes, but well my denied brain has started to come up with good stuff about smoking. So far I have only one but it’s a damn good one. Here it is.
Ciggies are good for your emotional health. Why I say that? Well its way better than seeing a psychiatrist and a hell lot cheaper too. Ciggies beats telling people about how you feel and then realizing that they aren’t even listening or worst start telling you how much worst they had it before you even get to the main part and you end up having to listen to THIER problems. (Paused to watch “The Exorcist”) All you got to do to make your worries go away is to inhale and exhale. For the visually stimulated like me, when I exhale, I imagine all my worries flying up in the sky and disappearing with the smoke.

(... transition to Incident begins)

I like smoke.

Actually I like fires more. Fires kind of have this mesmerizing quality about them. The way the flames lick of whatever it is feeding and everything just disappears.

Which reminds me of this incident.

(transition to Incident ends ...)


I did something which I think is weird 2 years back. I went up to Genting with a mate and I let him read my journal and then we both burnt it. I don’t really know why I did it. I mean that was the journal that I had to write when I did theater in MMU and everything I wrote in it was 100% me. It wasn’t one of those journals where I practiced censorship and stuff like that. It was a beginning in a way. I guess I just thought it was symbolic. Something like a toast to myself for starting on a new life and traveling a road less traveled.
You see before that I was stuck in limbo. I was in a place I hated and I felt myself getting more withdrawn and depress. I found dreaming more exciting than the humdrum of daily life. I was a ship floating out in the sea with no destination. I didn’t have a goal in life, I didn’t know what I love and I didn’t have a passion for anything. Even in high school. Sure I had crushes and I played basketball but I didn’t feel alive and excited. I still get bouts of it sometimes but it is nothing compared to when I was in collage.

(preparing jump to my LOve LiFe. . . . . . . . . . . . . initiating hyper jump)



Maybe that is why I am still stuck with the same man today (I had a weird habit of breaking up with guys after a year). Ha this is embarrassing but hell. I love the man I am with because he made me feel alive. No not in the whole lovey dovey way but I remember the reason why I fell in love with him is because he made me feel like a kid again. You know how kids are so eager to learn and everything is new and they are full of wonderment when they learn something? Well that is how Ramon makes me feel. I remember ransacking his stuff and exclaiming wao or ooo. There were all these little things that made me want to know more about what happened in his life and who this person is. There’s so much stuff to read and explore, I really love going over to his place. Ok I can go on and on about how wonderful he is but I have learnt that people tend to get bored after 2 or 3 minutes. But what can I say, writing this down made me realize that I still do have these feeling its just that they were buried under a ton of stoopid things which Ramon calls silly thoughts.

(Get ready for THE END)

Was backtracking and rereading my blog. I think my thoughts are kind of scattered today. I really don’t know where this blog is heading to but I do know for a fact that I can write easier before I sleep in the wee hours of the night (…or should I say morning???). I think maybe it’s because I am a night person. After all my dad always say that I was more active at night even when I was in my mother’s womb. Hmm I seem to be going off track again, so I think I will stop this blog for now cause its going nowhere.

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