I got a letter from my mate in Australia 2 days ago. We’ve been friends since I was 16. I find it a little weird(in a good way) how when I start doubting about things and start getting messed up in my life, her letters or email turns up. I guess I could say that I am a lucky person because I have great friends to turn to when things start to go downhill.
Back to the letter, what struck me as odd was that she said that maybe I am afraid of happiness. Now that sounds rather gloomy because who wants to be sad right? In truth I think in a way I embrace sadness. I honestly don’t know if I am afraid of happiness or I feel guilty for being better off than most people. Is it right to feel sad inside and yet have nothing bad happened in your life? I really don’t know. All through my life I felt like I was an observer not a participant in life. That is until I did theater in 2001.
It sounds corny I know but I really felt like finally there is a purpose in my life and there was some sort of direction my life was heading towards. Maybe because I find it some magical that total strangers can come together and allow each other to glimpse a side that is buried deep inside. Maybe I have always believed in magic and theater got me to be more of a participant in life, not just an observer. I honestly can’t say. I envy the people who know what they want to do in life. All I know is that for now, theater has a hold on me.
Still I guess there is a small part of me that is shut off from the world. I know that hiding behind masks and this “self-protective” wall we create to shield ourselves actually makes us weaker rather than stronger. I know that to not open up to people is just a form of cowardice and it can hurt the people close to us, but it really is so hard to let go of this safety net that we build for ourselves. This self made cocoon feels so much safer as oppose to taking risk with disappointments, frustrations or being betrayed. I guess the people who do not put up barriers are the stronger ones because they have less fear and more faith in humankind.
I say this is an ode to great friends because without them I would not have had as much faith in friendship and if I don’t believe in friendship I highly doubt I would believe in Love.