Monday, June 13, 2011

The Berlin Wall

by Paik Yin on Thursday, 22 April 2010 at 03:00
Posted in Facebook sometime back. Sharing with you all

Papa is watching the 8 o’clock news. Impatiently and sullenly I watch the clock tick by, intently willing the long hand of the clock to click to the number 6. McGuyver comes on at 8:30 tonight. A loud cheer catches my right corner, disrupting my slouchy musings. There is an electric excitement blaring from the news. Party? I watch the images flicker. I don’t know what’s going on but I know I’m witnessing something important.

Today there is another image search for the Fall of the Berlin Wall. The 2nd time in the last 3 months and again looking through the images, I feel the pricking of tears just waiting to break through. 

Damn! Shit ! I can’t cry in the office. 
Being separated by a wall just feels all too fragile.
A woman in the passenger seat, face buried in her hands covered with tears.
An old man radiating with joy as he takes his first few step across the border arms raised.
A child’s fingers wrapped around a pick axe, pounding into the wall, enthusiastically joining in the festivities. 

Families separated by a wall. 
Friends separated by a wall. 
People separated by a wall. 
A country separated by a wall.

In a micro scale, a symbolic object applies to me too. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with my emotions. Too overtly control on the outside as I befuddled with what to do with my feelings inside. Detaching and unhooking my interior, afraid of giving emotions the full reign to flow as it seems destructive. 

Realization came about that I just have to let my feelings go as they please within. Accepting the emotions just as it is for the moment neither telling myself nor judging if it’s good/bad, right/wrong. To just be. 

To just be.

I hesitate last night to write about my experience yesterday because it was about you. I am my worst critic. I don’t want to be lame or desperate, overtly concern with validation from other people and constantly seeking for security. I claim I Love You, I claim I Love Him, I claim I Love Myself. 

I haven’t had closure from you. Is it needed? At this point of time, yes only I denied it before. I understand now what you mean when you said to just let it in. People touch me emotionally and working in the office has shown me that avoiding or dismissing is just another form of running away.

I have to deal with it.
Stop barricading with fear and mistrust.
It’s time to bring down the Berlin Wall.

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