Saturday, July 19, 2014

An encounter with Living Death

Its been a while since I published my experiences. A spate of meetings this year has reminded me that its ok to be personal. 

Its been a while since personal stories are shared, be it about family or oneselves. Thank you for asking, sharing and listening even if our meetings are brief, or it has been sometime since we last met.

                                       This is about an experience with a family. 
                                                   A harvest of year 2008-2014.

~~---~--A sticky cloy scent peppers the air with a hint of a degeneration.
                                                                                        An encounter with Living Death

                                                   Early 2004 or 2005,

                                    I got news that my grandmother was ill. 
                            Pangs of rushed unfulfillment zips in front of my eyes.

                            I want my grandmother to be at my wedding,
                            I want my grandmother to see her my firstborn,
                            I want my grandmother to still spoil me again.

                                                     I started praying 
                                                   signals of pleadings
                                            Just a little more time please.

                                                                                                               My 2 single aunts 
                                                            who are looking after my grandmother lost a lot of 
                                    At one point I remember, one of my aunt, had that smell about her 

Some how, who knows how many 
                                                                                                    months later she got better.
                                                           How do I know?

                 The smell was gone.

                               I see my grandmother struggle with not being "useful"
                                I see my grandmother the matriarch being confused                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
Roles were reverse, 
                                she didn't call the shots anymore
The starched ironed clothes imperfectly neat
                                                                     The floors clean but unbleached

I touched down Malaysia after 18th months in the States,
I walk behind papa up the stairs

He climb up with 1 hand on one knee
left or right I can't remember
My dad is growing old
He will leave me someday

                                 I started to get to know Lee Chin Tee
A woman working for herself in the 80s, a mother, the breadwinner in my family
                                I resented my mother but Lee Chin Tee
an entrepreneur, an embracer of change and a woman who stuck by our family 

through all, I got my strength and determination...and come to think of it probably my playfulness, being outspoken and a host of oddities

My grandmother is still alive,
                                                    so are my parents.

I don't have a full time job because my goal wasn't to make money.
My goal was to get to know my mother, Lee Chin Tee
I won't resent her when I have to look after her.
2 months back, a thought, a feeling came about
                               I hit my goal :D

Yea mummy still annoys me at times, but we can laugh it away together
Yea papa can talk non stop but I can tell him about my day too
Yea I do want a full time job now :D

Grandma I still don't know fully what to do.
She doesn't remember me. She thinks I am someone else,
Today she can't really see much,
And you kinda have to semi shout in her ear.

At lost,in 2011 when I met you,
You told me just hold her hand.

I forgot about touch.
I never hug or kiss my grandmother
after hitting the teens

Thanks Jah Nah

                                                           Through it all
                                                           The encounter with living death
                                                           Brought me to pieces on my own mortality                                                                                     
 I was stiff and staunch holding my breath.
                                                                                                        finding a balance with systems, ideals, and "reality"

Yea la resolving my issues la

To end it all
Just want to say
thank you big and small

cause in some ways
you helped me

remember to be personal, showing the sanctuary when all is noisy in my head, laughing together, sharing your world, giving me silence,
reminding me I am not (insert whomever XYZ is), teaching me the (ABC) and answering all my questions, being an unknowing comfort, supportive, teaching me acceptance, listening to me, putting up with mood swings and me going into my batcave mode, to be comfortable with myself....


                                                         without words,
                                               knowing my own small dance
                                             and balancing with each of you
                                      be it gentle brushings or full on weights
                                                 Thanks for the reminders                                                                                 
                                                          to be in touch

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


What is the cause of this?
A. Media's portrayal of women and hence we are constantly exposed to a woman of a certain age, body type and skin colour. This includes porn.
B. There are products out there that can help you look younger, fairer, thinner so why not.
C. There are clothing to tuck your tummy, push up your boobs, make your legs longer
D. Read my comments below

Friday, July 04, 2014

Suspended tension in different degrees.
'Nobody Claps Anymore' by Alec Dawson as a whole gives me the same sensation as an Edward Hopper painting.