I think it’s the weather but today I am feeling very alone. Questions like “What do I want in life?” and “Who am I?” is floating in this mesh of me.

Finally my life is my own, but I got choices to make that would affect my life in a big way. It is rather scary.

Funny how years back I wanted my own life but I also wanted someone else to make choices for me. In a way I wasn’t really living my own life. I was in limbo. Yes I went to class did my assignments and all the dreary mundane things with the occasional excitement of being in theater and activism but I was still bound to my obligations.

GRADUATION

Graduating from university is very liberating for me in the sense that I am finally not bound to my parents any more. If I end up in jail for something that I believe in I won’t have to worry. There was an incident where a group of activist who got arrested and the first thought that came into my head was “Oh God, I hope they are alright” which was just a cover up for the relief I felt “…. Thank God I wasn’t there”. Yes I am ashamed to say it but that was what I thought. “Thank God I didn’t go to jail because Pa and Ma would be so disappointed” which lead to “I can forget about graduating if that happens.”

FREEDOM

Freedom is very elusive. Once you think you are free other responsibilities comes your way. Financially I am also ashamed to say that I am still somewhat dependent on them but hey I am trying.

So back to questions pertaining to what I want in life and who I am.

I know I want to be happy and I am who I am.

Maybe I can’t answer these questions because life is changing all the time and what I want is always changing.

I WANT THIS! I WANT THAT!

People’s wants are inexhaustible. Once we get what we want we want something else.

Shoes

Take this moment for instance. I am wearing my gold heels which I wanted years back. I even had to beg Ramon to lend me some money to get it. I wore it once for clubbing and than chucked it in the shoe rack up until today. Today its nothing more than a pair of heels I dug out.

Travel

I want to travel and not travel in the touristy way (though if you have a limited amount of time you’ve got to do the touristy stuff). So I am applying for the au pair program. Now when the host family is finally in contact, I still want it but I am also scared because I would have to leave the familiar. It’s a vulnerable feeling

Stage Glam

I claim not to want to act on stage but I do. Is it for the glam factor? I don’t see what’s so glamorous about it. Maybe its because I don’t want all of the spotlight on me…just a little will do(… an in depth entry on why I want to act would be left for some other time…) Well I booked myself an audition at KLPAC and it took me about a week to the deadline to go ahead with it. I hate to say it but I am scared. I think its because I want it and I don’t want to disappoint myself.

WHO AM I?

I can make a soap drama out of my friend’s life. One had an abortion and the other is having an affair with a married man. When I was younger I detest smokers but now I am one and I’ve gotten over the guilt trip.

Abortion

I say I firmly believe in pro-life and against abortion yet when it boils down to it, its just words when you are in the situation. In a way just saying something is easy. It’s easy to say this is my principals and I will stick to it. It takes a certain courage for someone to stick to them but I myself I don’t think I am that strong and that is why I don’t have a stand on anything when it is to do with somebody’s life. Who am I to say that what she did was right or wrong. I respect my friend for the choice she made because I understand that it was a hard one. Some people might say she is selfish but I don’t think so.

Affair

Friend who is having an affair with a married man.

She knows it is wrong and she feels bad. In a way I think she is happier with that arrangement because I never thought that she is the 100% fully committed type. She needs her space and… well the last time I talked face to face was a long time ago. Maybe 3 or 4 years back? Do I think any less of her? No. People make the choices they make and I respect that. I only hope that she is happy la. If it’s really love than I would say that it takes great courage to take actions on it. If not it is what it is.

Me?

So how does this relate to who I am? I don’t know. Erm what would I do if I was faced in the same situation?

Maybe the trick is to appreciate what we have/get and live for the moment. The only thing that matter is the here and now.

Savour the moment

So I applied for an au pair program and today there is an email from the agency that there is a host family who is interested. Later on when I checked my inbox… the first contact with a host family.

I got to admit that when I applied in October I didn’t think that things would move so fast. It’s a little scary and exciting at the same time. Funny how it’s a little like a death sentence (in a good way). Knowing that there is a high chance that I will be going off to another country, leaving my family, friends and all that I am familiar with it makes me want to savor it all the more.

So that’s what I am going to do.

To a new phase

So here I am at work and I should be working mind you but it’s so easy to just slip off and do something else because you can. Sometimes having absolute freedom maybe fun but if you can’t keep yourself in check who can? Sad existence needing someone to keep you in check.

So I am blogging again. Yea The year is about the end and I am blogging again.Welcome to heading to 27 and fresh from the graduation pool

Over and out from the lazy bugger

eVerYthing mashed up into one post

Well hear I am back at blogging again.
Some how things seem to be slowing down for me at the moment.
Exams, spending time with my mate who went on her world tour took up my time are among the few that lead to the inactivity of this blog.

Whats new?
The latest event for the past 6 Sundays, I have been attending a workshop organized by KYRSS and an art gallery call Reka Art’s Space. Right now I should be working on the piece that I am to submit in about 12 hours time and I think I am a bit stump. Maybe I am recollecting whatever that happened in the workshop.

Alright what are these workshops about? The first 3 weeks were discussions on identity gender and sexuality and the last 3 weeks were meant for the participants to express their thoughts through art.
1.
The first few questions that popped in my head was what is an artist? But that question was in my mind long before this workshop started. Well the search is over, I finally got the answer the my question.

A man who works with his hands is a labourer;
A man who works with his hands
and his brains is a craftsman;
A man who works with his hands and his brains
and his heart is an artist

- quote from Louis Nizer, lawyer to Salvador Dali and Charlie Chaplin.

To me art has to be personal but than the matter of personal is rather ambiguous.

I got to say that going to the workshop made me spend more time in the library and I discovered Picasso other than Frida Kahlo who was always my favourite artist.
2.
Back to the workshop...So before I joined this workshop my thoughts on identity was that gender and sexuality is a subset of gender and sexuality. But now come to think of it if how you feel towards a person be it loathing or sexually attraction can mold who you are.
What I am questioning now is that what if identity is a large painting, Would the details that make out the painting consist of sexual preference and gender?
What makes the painting a painting anyway. The texture of the paper? The colors embedded? The scratches on the surface of the material that you are using? More questions that needs to be answered.
3.
Why would an obese person repulse me somehow? Some people feel pity when they know that someone don’t believe in God, or the God that they believe in anyway (eyes rolling here)

4. So what is identity, sexuality and gender?
Still in the dark but here are some Highlights from the workshop

There is no one marker to identify a single straight female (still really from the shock and will explain in detail some other time)

It grossed me out to see a daughter kissing her biological father in an intimate way but some how it wasn’t that repulsive watching her kiss her mother. Question. Why so?!?

Obese people don’t repulse me but watching human bodies being treated as cattle i.e hanging on the meat hooks really disgusted me. Thankfully I saved myself by switching to a third person mode. Thats when most of my emotions were tuned out.

Story that pissed me off the most was the story of a disable aboriginal girl who was raped by an officer who worked in a department who were suppose to take care of the aborigine’s rights and well being. Talk about ironic. To cap it off the only reason why he was found out is because she got pregnant Even then when asked for a RM 5000 compensation the guy paid RM 2500 and disappeared. Argh writing this down still enrages me. No wonder we need a fictional character like superman or spiderman. The Heroes of justice

Alright cool down …1.2.3.4.5.6.7 breathes deeply bla

5.
I think I am partially humbled by the fact that artist draw every chance they have and I have been lamenting that I can’t draw as well blabla and lamenting just leaves you with nothing. Still some how I don’t know but staring at the empty white paper and taking the first step drawing is somewhat scary all the time for me. Maybe its like the initial reluctance to jump into a pool of cold water when you want to go swimming. You want to go into the pool inch by inch but you know it is definitely easier in the long run if you just jump in the pool.

Are you An Artist?

Weekend workshop organized by Sisters In Islam (SIS) : - Artist and Activists for Justice
Venue : - Shah Village Hotel…beside A&W near Amcorp Mall
Random thoughts 1 throughout the workshop.

4th of August 2005

Are you An Artist?

No one would say they are an artist. Why? I think we are afraid to put labels on ourselves. Set up too high an expectation on yourself? Artist are an elite class? Is it beyond our reach? Unattainable? Low self esteem = modesty?

My take is that we got to be brave. Brave enough to face the critics. Brave enough to put ourselves there; In the line of fire.

[- - Ouch

Exhibition and road Rage

Had a pretty good night. The whole morning was spent sleeping on the couch pushing the dogs head and legs away. The neighbour is renovating and the sounds of the drilling and pounding….Jeez its torture so as you can see my days in the house is pretty bad
One week mid term break right now

Sun goes down ..and moon comes up

Back to the creatures of the night. Creative Chargers here I come. Was charging all the way to the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) Center when oopsie doo its Creative Change. Well I met Jac who seems to be the mastermind behind this project and had my Orientation. I really didn’t know there was an orientation. Well the orientation left me with a free teh o ais limau (ice lime tea?) and loads of interesting comments thrown with cussing from jac. I was kind off hoping to see how a meeting would go. A little disappointed but you can’t stay down long with good company.
The meeting ended

Reka arts gallery - exhibition by Sharon Chin = boats and bridges.
Sharon used to go to my high school and God damn my high school mates are there.

Don’t ask me why but I am just an anti social when it comes to people who knew me..ok ok I was angry and repress in high school. I was angry. I thought everyone was lame…except me ehhe. I was bored. Guys look at me weird when I played basketball. Ahh high school. I just remember tons of anger and good friends.

Well back to the exhibition so yea I was avoiding a couple of people. You may say I am stuck up but I just feel its all hypocritical talking to them. I don’t know. That’s how I feel.

So the exhibition opening night. At first I didn’t really get it, it made no sense to me (but that was probably the brains talking and thinking about the amount of people in the small space) I would say that there seem to be a reoccurring theme to the exhibition. The one that stood out would be the installation (is that the right word?) with barricade tape flapping in the air conditioned room. The piece that left the most impression in me after I left was this piece which….trying hard to think of a description. Ok imagine a big piece of liquid paperery white paper all grainy and white. Now scatter islands around filled with square block cells much like your little mathematics exercise books you used in high school. Fill the cubes with statements and letters and finally make sure everything is 2-D and there you have it the piece that left an impression on my mind. Its not so much visually stimulating for me but answering the questions written on the islands. Name 5 anatomical body part. Erm not too sure about that. Name 5 porn websites (I am sure its easy for some but all my mind came up with is zilch. Dead tone) Name 5 philosophers ooo I know that Socrates,Plato erm yea I know that …lala name 5 poets…Blake?
Anyway the point is it actually made me a little embarrassed because I couldn’t answer these questions (not the porn site one la) like 5 philosophers hello I should be able to and poets ooo is Dante a poet? Well anyway it just shows how ignorant I am and that is why I like that piece.

- End of exhibition –

Sister is going for her driving test on Monday so people pray for her. She took me for a drive and we were practicing her driving on the slope which is the entrance of the park near my place. Well today my sister got a taste of road rage. This guy parked his car at the entrance god knows what he is doing there with his girlfriend. And when he saw my sis stopping at the slope which leads to the entry he had the nerve to drive straight up and block her and whats worse flashing his stoopid beamer into her eyes. Naturally since she was practicing her slope, the car was at a stand still for sometime and me being stubborn I told her not to start the car…after all he was heading in the wrong direction number 1. number 2 we could have drove past him but no Mr. asshole had to block us and flash his headlights at us. me being me I was ranting and cursing at him in the car and zen like my sister sat through all my ranting. In the serenity of the house she started stomping and cursing him. Now I was surprise because I thought I was the only one pissed at him. Damn we could have taken him out…not.

Rage - boiling point

Identity- Who Am I and Story

Finished this piece, Identity- Who Am I, at about 5am plus. My boobs are in there some where eheheheh.

erm i guess i should start on my writing exercise.Anyway the picture made me write this little story.

STORY Begin

“Where am I?”

I shudder despite the hot sun beating down on me.
I remember the first time I woke up in the hospital bed, the ceiling fan beat slowly round and round and everything was white and pristine. I hear a woman sobbing beside my bed.

“Who are you. Why are you crying.”
“Oh Sherly, Oh Sherly”
“Who is Sherly”

Waking up seems like a decade ago but in truth it has only been a month ago. I hear all sorts of things about Sherly. She is the most popular girl in school, captain of the cheerleading squad, and doing well academically. She was the girl that every girl want to be. Perfect.

I have the “greatest” boyfriend who is attentive to my every need according to my best friend Rory. Doug is nice about everything. He walks me to class and eats lunch with me everyday. Every time we leave for class or home he gives me a peck on the cheek.
This is supposedly the guy of my dreams and at this moment kissing him I feel no more love for him than I do for a teddy bear in the shop that I did not grow up with.

How long is it before the façade would show? How can I go through it all? Everything is so perfect.

Everyone expects me to be the girl I was but I don’t know this person they keep mentioning. I reek with guilty for feeling this way. My best friend, my boyfriend and my parents, I think they aren’t really mine at all, they belong to someone else. I know that I should love them but somehow it seems as if the memories that are washed away took the feelings with it too. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way but sometimes I feel so lost and alone. Every time people talk about her, I want to run up and just scream at them. This is more than just living an angst ridden teenage life; this is trying to live up to an identity. The one identity who is perfect and yet supposed to be Me. I don’t feel like this girl that everyone knows. The popular girl, the smartest girl, the girl that has everything going for her, Who is this? Who am I? Am I someone else or I do still have remnants of her left?

God please give me strength.

Taking Steps

http://www.pakdi.com/blog/archives/2005/04/inilah_mereka_o.html

Went web surfing and some how I came to this site. Well if you can read Malay than you can get a better picture. Basically people are people and they are arguing about who is right. I don’t know how I really feel about this. Here are people from arguing among themselves. I guess in a way without argument things aren’t going to progress and thoughts won’t be shared but somehow people saying “My religion is better that yours” just don’t cut it with me. Its akin to saying that My car is bigger and better etc. Some how reading halfway through it just seem so petty. Here we have the poor suffering, people getting mugged, politicians digging holes and burying all their “extra cash” and the orang asli’s rights are getting trampled on and all people care about is who is right. Whose religion is better. Hell vs Heaven. I am no atheist but it seem to me that loads are people are pretty concern about where they go after they die which doesn’t really make sense because you only have one life and one chance. Why not make it a better place for everyone instead?

There are many questions thrown about but I think in live its easier to ask rather than get answers. Maybe live is about asking question but I think that the quest for the answer is more important. Hmm maybe that is why the word quest is in the word question?

Been thinking a lot after theater. I’ve been depress a couple of days ago but I think maybe its because a change is coming over to me. I’ve always wanted to change the world but I learnt to aim small and try and change/help(hopefully) the people around me; hopingly that I was doing my part to make the world a better place. Now I think its time I come out from my cocoon of laziness and make believe. Its time to step up and stop making excuses. I find myself drawn to NGOs and volunteer spaces (mainly web surfing). It may be baby steps for now but I guess I need to learn how to crawl before running. Today there maybe a meeting with Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) and this weekend I am going to a workshop with Sisters In Islam(SIS) . I know that I held many biasness and prejudicial feelings towards Islam but I guess I should learn about what I am judging ehh.

Paused to continue reading the postings…

Aiyoo people are so funny. Sigh-ing off

Ponder on "copycat"

Hey ya. Been busy playing around with photoshop, editting pictures for my new blog.
Ok I shall not neglect this blog.

Thoughts on my mind

I went to class today, (I don’t really go to class often eheh) and my strategic management lecturer kept repeating this word, “copycat”.

Ok to be honest I was zoning out due to the heat but hey at least i know he was making some joke to prove his point. Well back to the story, so this dude he just kept repeating copycat.
It got me thinking (yes the heat may have made me sluggish but I can still think)how the hell did this word come about. I know I am guilty of using it too but why do we say copycat? For the non users of copycat, copycat means mimic. Is it because one is mimicking a cat or do cat mimic other cats?

Another word that us Malaysians tend to use is the word outstation.
For example “I am going outstation next week”
That word is a reminiscent of our colonial past but where the hell did copycat come about.

Anyone got any clues?

announceMent : new blog Up

Hey peeps!

Yeap! Its been some time now since I whine and ramble on. Announcement
New blog up by me. Basically I decided to set up a blog for the times when I go traveling, sort of like a travelogue. There are plenty lots of pictures with sceneries, animals etc. so check it out. It’ll only be updated when I travel out of KL la. Ooh for the uninformed I went to Kuching for the past week and hence missed classes and partied like hell. Its now back to the grinding blocks. Sigh. If you want to know what happen in Kuching go to

http://jalanwithme.blogspot.com/

JulY 2nd - the Aftermath

I should be doing my assignment and here I am at 2:33 am in the morning in front of my PC spacing out.
Maybe it’s the fact that I am going to Kuching in 2 days time or maybe it’s the fact that the production is over I am not too sure myself. I know Ariff and Azhar are feeling melancholy that we would not be meeting up 3 times a week at the s.space even though it was hard on some of us.

JULY 2nd – the aftermath

Its over. What can I say about the production? Well honestly I know this is one of my biggest role ever. I get to throw a tantrum and share my vocal powers with the rest of the world muahahhaah. It was a little embarrassing for me at first because there were these hordes of little kids asking for autographs.Really embarrassing up to the point where I realize they probably do this all the time and then I just go with the flow. I think the highlight of the afternoon show was when the lights came up and the look on my sister’s face was priceless. Apparently during the fight scenes my sis had deja-vu of me quarrelling with mom and an incident where I ahem..shouted at the neighbour.

Neighbour incident
There I was sleeping peacefully when I heard little kids screaming out of the windows. At first I thought that they were just playing around until I realize that the insults were hurling in our direction. Those kids couldn’t see me but they could see my sis. Well basically I was waken from my peaceful slumber and to make me extra grumpy, I heard their granpa encouraging and telling them what to shout. Now that made my blood boil. In general I like kids and old people no matter how grumpy or whiny they are. Kids are oblivious to what is right or wrong but when the old man was the schemer behind all this racket I just burst. No need to tell what I said so there. That was my justification for shouting at the neighbour bleh.
In case anyone is wondering it , the time was about 1-3…pm. Yea I sleep a lot.

Back to the 2nd of July
Seriously though, the high was worth all the frustrations and time. I think our weekends is going to be rather empty after this. *SIGH*
The funny thing is no one thought of recording the play and hardly there were hardly any pictures taken. Ahh well I guess as Teresa said it will all live in our memories (not unless all of us gets Alzheimer’s diseases).

Other Plans
Anyway Kuching here I come. I think I am just going to spend more time with this most excellent group http://www.hospitalityclub.net/ and maybe I will just volunteer for Food Not Bombs. I always wanted to but some how never did got my butt there. Dunno maybe you will see me there some time soon.

In case any one is wondering if the nameless theater group is going to be revived, the answer is YES but I think all of us need a break for now so if anyone is interested leave a comment. Ahem sponsors for a venue to practice within the vicinity of KL city would also be greatly appreciated. Time estimated probably some where beginning of year 2006.

PICTURES

1-Stephan @ Azhar + Teresa

2- Me + Teresa + Azhar + David

3-Its over. William morphing to Ramon Raj

A Tribute to the diehards/hardcore

Uni has started aargh…ooo I feel sick…argh I am sick. Well uni has started for 3 weeks already and I think I am starting to get the hang of things again...sort off

On the night before class, my forehead started heating up and there was gooseflesh all over. As the night wore on I got a fever. I think its post holiday trauma. I just don’t want my holidays to end.

For all you folks out there, in case you didn't know, I had a 2 months break from uni and it was bliss.Sigh

Theater Sessions / People

Every day of my holiday was filled with eating sleeping and generally just going for theater sessions.
In a week's time, more specifically the 2nd of July, all this will end. No more theater for me for a long while. Phew.
Part of me is going to celebrate because there will be no more worrying about what people are thinking or how things could have been done and rescheduling stuff to fit theater in. Yet despite everything, I know when it is all over, I will miss the diehards who stayed on.

Teresa@ dickChick and all her far out comments that make you just go huh.

David@ Mr. K.I.A with his confusing mood swings; you never know what he have up his sleeves. It gives me a headache trying to figure him out.

Ariff the director that we… well I bitch about because he is the director and I don’t do well with directions. Muhahahaha.Nah Ariff is alright. I admire his ability to switch modes. One minute Mr. Macho the next thing you know a little cheeky boy or a makcik.

Next in line, Azhar with all his witty comments, quotes from strange people and poetry. This guy really cracks me up especially his laughter

The latest addition to the group would be Ramon. He has only been with us for a couple of months but Ramon is a necessary one as he is our sacrifice to the God of laughter and stories. In a way Ramon is our pillar that in a way keeps us all together. Its hard to explain but he definitely entertains us. OMG his stories. Really interesting.

Seriously though I really admire and respect every single one of these people for putting in the energy and effort to continue on with the theater program even though the company closed down. I got to say that Teresa is the nicest and most tolerant woman I know and I respect her for her principles and ethics. Hell she tolerates me blek.

Well I guess this started as a whingy little piece about uni but ended as an ode to the people that I have hung out for the past 2 months and despite all the drama and conflicts I know I will miss them all…except for Ramon. He is my housemate.

All hail to the diehards!!!

StReSS, The PRoduceR, TheateR ... the dreariness that comes with paSSioN

Whinging
Stress.Lfe is all about stress I guess. I have been neglecting my blog because everything seem to be piling up. Ha excuses as usual but I guess drama in my life makes me feel drain. Some time ago the theater group I am with had a confessional session and someone said that I am hostile and I intimidated him. Well to be honest I don’t really know how I really feel about that. I think a certain part of me feels upset because that part feels that we can never hang out as friends but the other part just feel that its what’s necessary.

Theater - VTC to the nameless theater group
The history of it all since this is going to end soon

It all started out last year. There were about 10 of us and we were all under Victorian Theater Company. Well as time wore on and as more nerves were grated people started leaving.

After a while things just didn’t seem to be going too well. The producer is stuck in between paychecks and bringing good to the group. In the end the company closed down and there was only 5 of us. I was determine that we would have a production no matter what and the 5 of us started off with an energy that I never saw before. Before we all met up once a week but now we were meeting up 3 times a week and there were some that thought that after a few weeks time things would just disintegrate like all “Reformasi” in Malaysia but we stuck through. Undeniably I became the bad guy who had to push and shut people up but sometimes I wish that people would just listen.

As production date is nearing we have finally gotten a script and the latest drama is still about the script. Maybe its my fault for telling him that it was a piece of crap. Frustration and anger clouded me and that was my mistake. But hey at least I apologize la...

- The be continued -

Arrgh see why I don’t blog any more. I have become boring and prissy.
Well people the next time I think I will just blog down my story from my writing course... maybe

Hunter Soul

Ohh no i am addicted to these stuff.Its all honeyBosh's fault ...arghh but this is kinda true though.

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas. You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding. You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force. An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people. You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor. People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all. You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone. Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

QUESTION : what makes you feel alive? AND split ends

Today is one of those days. I just don’t want to talk to any one. The masses starting to bore me. Everyone seem so intent on getting the latest gadget or worries about their image. All these little little insignificant things. All this makes me want to scream “Blardi hell surely there must be more to life than just this?”

Question : What makes you feel alive?

The most interesting reply I had to this question was strip dancing. And by this I mean he likes to strip dance. Fancy that. I am pretty impress. Never thought I hear someone say that.

For some its adrenaline like bungee jumping. Maybe it’s the fact that laughing at death makes them feel more alive?

Me? I feel alive when I am having a deep and meaningful conversation. It’s like I am a leeching up and sucking all their ideas and in return I give them back a great hurl of opinions and ideas that swirls and gets people stoned. It’s a talent I have. Yes, yes thank you (bowing to sounds of imaginary clapping) Sounds yucky actually. Back to being serious, discussing about the what ifs in life perks the imaginative side of my brain and I am not talking about regrets here. Listening to stories either real or surreal is just as entertaining, especially if one has the talent for uncovering secret and embarrassing incidents muahahahah…

aargh morphing into pink plastic long haired....

Ooo yea and being bimbotic can be fun too. Moving to an entertaining note, I honestly would say I feel alive when I am doing silly stuff or hatching up schemes to inflict on myself or other people. Ehheeheh.

Naturally at this point in time the bimbotic incidents that I find myself in just would not come to my mind or there would be a nice little story on how bimbotic I was/am. Although strangely I do recall stories about the bimbotic deeds of my friends pretty easily. Now I do find this strange but trust me, one day the bimbotic side with giant plastic boobs would rise above me and I will be sure to blog it down…

Some people would be embarrassed about doing silly stuff but what the hell you only live once. Yea so I am most alive when I get that motto in motion – when I throw caution to the wind and just do what I wanna do (within limits of course).

Being a bimbo and laughing about it later on.

(due to the nature of my personalities the answers are split, ohh no I just split my hair. I so hate split ends)

Back FRom The Land OF Laziness + Distractions (pictures as compensation)

Been getting lazy these days. What can I say my high school mate is back and I have to go for theatre group practice every Monday, Wednesday and Saturdays. That leaves little time for me to bum around before uni starts in mid June.

To be honest I am getting distracted by the glitz and bitchiness of reality TV ahhaha.

American Top Model Season 4 here I come.

So yea I am going to cheat. I am going to put up of pics me and my sis took today after watching Kingdom of Heaven at the cinema in Berjaya Times Square, KL.

fire at will - caught in the act

ouchie - hot stuff

inspector know it all - sis

Ok so the pictures got nothing to do with the movie we watched.

So what at least it entertains

AngRy WomaN RaNtiNg

"I got no time la"

"Sorry dear busy tonight."

Ever felt that the older you get the more things you need to get done and the less time you seem to have for yourself?
Well maybe its because we get so caught up with our jobs or partners and you know what...

That SUCKS!!!

Yea say all you want.
Say that you’ve all grown up and you’ve got to take care of someone other than yourself. Say that I am childish yada yada yada.

My point is if you ain’t happy can you actually truly please someone else?

Take possessive lovers.
If your partner was possessive and you have a social life of a zero when you are together, won’t you start expecting the same from him/her? Won’t you become resentful or bored? Is this your routine conversation?

You : hey how was your day
Partner : its same old same old. How was yours?
You : ahh you know great
(Silence both do whatever they were doing before.)

Granted this scene can be so much more worse if anyone of them grunted a reply

Gawd I think I just died of boredom

Back to reasons to put yourself first.

What about your job.

Call me idealistic but I want my job to be something that I wake up every morning raring to go. I don’t want a job that I go to because I have to. The next time you are stuck in a traffic jam or in the LRT during the morning rush hour look at the faces. Do they look happy? No they actually look like zombies
(must be the lack of makeup and the out of bed look apparently I pull this look off really well)
My point is shouldn’t the factor in our career be made up of what we are interested in and not the pay check?

Ahh well I guess they weren’t kidding when they said money is the root of all evil.


*no trigger just felt like being an angry woman for today. Grrrrr

Sitiawan Ah Mah

Ah Mah
I always had fond memories of my grandma in Sitiawan Perak so it kind of pains me to see her so weak and helpless. I always felt that my ah mah was a proud person and even when she could walk she never really wanted to accept help from anyone except for the rare occasions.

Yesterday my dad, sis and me when down to visit her. I would like to think that our visit did some good because when we left today, ah mah said that the next time that we see her she would be able to walk. I guess we killed the monotony of her life.

We arrived at their place (2 unmarried aunts and ah mah) at about 3:30pm and I was tired. Got on the floor and had a nap

DREAM
Ah mah was in a chair and she was trying to switch on/off a light. She couldn’t get up from her chair so she kept using a long wire and press the switch. In the end I couldn’t take it so I lift her from her chair and got her to press on the switch. When she sat down she look had a look of resignation and at the same time there was a sense of being relieved. I can’t remember exactly what she said but it made me tear.

“It's inevitable. The gates of heaven is open and I cannot avoid it any more. It is time that I walk through it"

Me about to tear in the dream... WOKE UP

I don’t know if it is a premonition but even before we went down I get the feeling that my ah mah didn’t really had much time on this earth any more. In a way I am praying that she live long enough to at least see me get married because I owe this woman a lot. Yea she spoilt me when I was a child and bought me junk food when my mom didn’t buy any for me. I know its selfish but I want my ah mah to be with me just for a little longer. I enjoy going down and visit her because it is a short vacation from the stress and ugliness of city life. I guess what I really fear is that if she is gone there won’t be a purpose to visit Sitiawan any more and I really feel close to my aunts too. There is a possibility that we won’t go down as often as we do.

Premonitions
There was a time that I had an ugly experience while walking to tuition and I told my parents about it. The thing is my mom sort of blamed my dad.
(Maybe she just just needed something or somebody to blame for the moment)
Anyway a few days after the incident I felt this strong urge to call home.

This was in high school Form 4

I called home and my dad picked up. I just asked him if we could chat for a while and at the end of the conversation he said that it was lucky that I called because he and my mom had a huge argument over the incident and because of that he was going to leave to Sitiawan until I called.

Don’t know just feel like talking about this incident :P
Makes me think that maybe we all have hidden abilities

Muahahahhahahahah!!!

puppY PoWer - GeRMaiNe

Bartholomew she isn't

geRMaiNe it is and she spreads germs.

A real Killer she ain't

She is acts just like a pussy cat

Wondering what that was about?

Well CLICK ME

Click on the pic of a closer peek

Isn't she adorable. Yea she kind of made my heart melt.

woRd of the day : CoMpaRtMentaliZed followed up with a dash of BRaiN MatteR

Say CoMpaRtMeNtaliZed

Everything is compartmentalized. In a way that is what we humans need to do to make sense of the world.

People in our lives –
Family , Friends , Acquaintances , Lovers, Enemies, Work mates ...


Friends can further be grouped into -
mates you hang out with, hi-bye friends, kaki makan (eaters united), bargain queens, shoulder to cry on ...


you get the picture

We all need everything around us compartmentalized or our brains would combust into a million pieces due to random data overload.

I like the word Compartmentalized. Say it. It kind of taste nice. Your tongue moves a lot

BRaiN MatteR

On a side note, apparently Einstein used only 5% of his brains.
Think about it.
If Einstein used only 5% of his brain power, then what about us normie people?
What we'd be lucky if we reach 1%?
Well maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that we don’t use our brains to the fullest.
At the rate that we are destroying the Earth I guess it can’t be too bad that we aren’t using our brains much.

It’d be cool though in a way. Imagine a super human race with “super powers” I guess things would be as cool/chaotic as Gotham city but then again we’d probably get bored and start doing crazy heinous acts… but then that’s me being pessimistic and having weird premonitions that technology would one day render humans lazy, weak and over reliant on machines.

Die Humans Die

0101 1111 0101

Now if I had to choose a super power and I only have one I would choose to fly. No more traffic jams or drunk driving for me all I need to do is make sure I don’t hit the lamp post when I am landing drunk.

Well nothing profound or weird tonight. The muse is taking a night off.

Over and out