weedflower

Today - 5th July 2011

2011-07-06T22:28:00.000+08:00

Ego manic rears its little tail,

with the same old rooster

crowing to its crowning glory.

Anger seeps beneath

benevolence pretence,

I look behind me

and there is it.

The same old tail

wagging its heads,

uncontrollably afraid

I shout for Merdeka

In my tiny stadium,

When the bigger game

Is in my face.

Your tiring looks,

Going on your train,

If time is my life

Then what I do with it

Is my salvation

I preach to you

And I implore

All though its to you;

I’m exploring

The depths of within

Through surface talks

And done deals

Behind closed doors

City living takes its toll

As charted high rises,

sky rockets

Still your smiles comforts ,

The bravery of going outside the grains

Fear seeps in

But you still raise on

Above the cloacks

Of anxiety and repression.

I salute you for standing tall,

I bow down to your arrest.

Friends may fritter to frays,

Please don’t step over the edge

Share your troubles my young heroine

For power sticks like heroin

Remember your passions

And your dreams

That keeps your head

Above the mists.

I love you and you are me.

Ok I won’t give you

The 1 MY=you=we talk.

Believe

I can rally up

What this is all about

But it won’t be sharing

If you and I don’t dissent.

Couldn’t help it,

You know

I got a mouth.

London

Date : 9 July 2011

Time : 12pm

Venue : the Malaysian High Commission, Belgrave Square (Nearest Tube: Hyde Park Corner) http://en-gb.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=123122721109800

1. Korea

Date : 9 July 2011

Time : 3.00pm

Venue : Malaysian High Commission, 4-1 Hannam-dong, 140-210, Seoul

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=207786825931750

2. Australia

Date : 9 July 2011

Time : 12.00pm

Venue : Malaysian Consulate in Canberra, Melbourne and Sydney (simultaneous)

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=196304237083769

3. Japan

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 3.00pm

Venue: Tower of the Sun, Osaka

Link: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=123767617708239

4. USA

a. Los Angeles

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 10.00am

Venue: Consulate General of Malaysia, 550 South Hope Street, Suite 400, Los Angeles

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=113221532103019

b. San Francisco

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 9.30am

Venue: Chrissy Field Picnic Area, Presidio, San Francisco

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=213741041997443

c. New York City

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 10.00am

Venue: Consulate General of Malaysia, 313 East 43rd Street, New York

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=181904048529782

BERSIH - speak up

2011-06-24T16:29:00.000+08:00

BERSIH - speak up

A voice that speaks louder

when all speak at the same time

Asking for a clean vote

Whats the big deal

Is there a fear and insecurity

That they aren't going to win?

Well I thought the goverment

is supporting the people?

Or are we supporting them?

There is nothing

to be afraid of

if they are

where they are

When the people

"rakyat" has spoken

For too long

I have been a child

Listening to the fears and threats

Weeping as home is not HOME

We will go overseas to study/work

thinking that it is a greener life

and it is but you know your roots

Are here despite all the prejudices

You know what,

bring your teh tarik talk

to the Bersih roadshow and rally

We can all complain about the injustice

Only instead of sitting on our butts

We can walk and talk

Ok bring your mug of teh

BTW the whole

repeatition of

armageddon proportions

May 13 is wearing thin.

All these slurs

Just shows fear

I wonder why

They are so worried

You can sweat it out,

Little technie that you are

All small bytes count

Voice your disssatisfaction

Spread the BERSIH around

Not like a virus

More like an anti-virus

Dance if you like to dance

and act it out

Do a cook out

Bring nourishments

Play the songs in your voice

Make a mini festival

After all it can be

a street performance

Your stage will be as big

As many actors there are

Capture this moment

join in or youtube it

After all history is made

by the people

the "rakyat"

So if you want to repost this

by all means go ahead

And tag as many as you like

In your FB note

FB= social network = voice = action = change

http://bersih.org/

We would like to announce that there are rallies confirmed in more countries:

1. Korea

Date : 9 July 2011

Time : 3.00pm

Venue : Malaysian High Commission, 4-1 Hannam-dong, 140-210, Seoul

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=207786825931750

2. Australia

Date : 9 July 2011

Time : 12.00pm

Venue : Malaysian Consulate in Canberra, Melbourne and Sydney (simultaneous)

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=196304237083769

3. Japan

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 3.00pm

Venue: Tower of the Sun, Osaka

Link: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=123767617708239

4. USA

a. Los Angeles

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 10.00am

Venue: Consulate General of Malaysia, 550 South Hope Street, Suite 400, Los Angeles

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=113221532103019

b. San Francisco

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 9.30am

Venue: Chrissy Field Picnic Area, Presidio, San Francisco

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=213741041997443

c. New York City

Date: 9 July 2011

Time: 10.00am

Venue: Consulate General of Malaysia, 313 East 43rd Street, New York

Link: https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=181904048529782

The Berlin Wall

2011-06-13T01:33:00.000+08:00

by Paik Yin on Thursday, 22 April 2010 at 03:00
Posted in Facebook sometime back. Sharing with you all

THE BERLIN WALLPapa is watching the 8 o’clock news. Impatiently and sullenly I watch the clock tick by, intently willing the long hand of the clock to click to the number 6. McGuyver comes on at 8:30 tonight. A loud cheer catches my right corner, disrupting my slouchy musings. There is an electric excitement blaring from the news. Party? I watch the images flicker. I don’t know what’s going on but I know I’m witnessing something important.

Today there is another image search for the Fall of the Berlin Wall. The 2nd time in the last 3 months and again looking through the images, I feel the pricking of tears just waiting to break through.

Damn! Shit ! I can’t cry in the office.
Being separated by a wall just feels all too fragile.
A woman in the passenger seat, face buried in her hands covered with tears.
An old man radiating with joy as he takes his first few step across the border arms raised.
A child’s fingers wrapped around a pick axe, pounding into the wall, enthusiastically joining in the festivities.

Families separated by a wall.
Friends separated by a wall.
People separated by a wall.
A country separated by a wall.

In a micro scale, a symbolic object applies to me too. I’ve always felt uncomfortable with my emotions. Too overtly control on the outside as I befuddled with what to do with my feelings inside. Detaching and unhooking my interior, afraid of giving emotions the full reign to flow as it seems destructive.

Realization came about that I just have to let my feelings go as they please within. Accepting the emotions just as it is for the moment neither telling myself nor judging if it’s good/bad, right/wrong. To just be.

To just be.

I hesitate last night to write about my experience yesterday because it was about you. I am my worst critic. I don’t want to be lame or desperate, overtly concern with validation from other people and constantly seeking for security. I claim I Love You, I claim I Love Him, I claim I Love Myself.

I haven’t had closure from you. Is it needed? At this point of time, yes only I denied it before. I understand now what you mean when you said to just let it in. People touch me emotionally and working in the office has shown me that avoiding or dismissing is just another form of running away.

I have to deal with it.
Stop barricading with fear and mistrust.
It’s time to bring down the Berlin Wall.

MEMORYSCAPES -

2011-04-13T14:29:00.001+08:00

Leaving Malaysia soon and I want to thank everyone of you for being a part of my life in Malaysia and creating Memories :D

The procrastinator that I am I finished the write up.

MEMORYSCAPES

A human being is an accumulation of memories.Our knowledge, perceptions how we think are affected by experiences and hence memories.Memoryscapes seeks to create "land"scapes out of memories

A Work in Progress to Phase 1
a performance art piece in a public space in Kuala Lumpur. My way of saying good bye to KL city as I'll be globetrotting and living in different spaces.(KL-ites it will be happening soon, I'm leaving in early May anyways)

Phase 2 collaborating with a Malaysian musician to create new memoryscapes by sharing our experiences of Life and Kuala Lumpur.

THE STORY

Quitting the security of my job in New Jersey and living with $200 for 3 months in NYC nesting dreams of being an artist. Coming home to you Kuala Lumpur, it took a while to re-adjust to the static of the past.

On the other hand KL you are growing so fast. Getting to know you, I remember myself again. Numbness is unnoticeable until it’s time to explore again.

CURRENT BODY OF WORK TALKING TO YOU - MEMORYSCAPES

Images here - http://weedflower.see.me/aw2011

1. Nesting Dreams

"I would frame this up"
Simple as that, a dream sprouts.

-Memories with Wei-Ling Siew walking on the streets on Manhattan

2. L.O.V.E

Living with you.
Overly.
Volatile.
Enrich me til today

-Memories with Lawrence living in Astoria and walking along Flushing in Queens

3. Memories, KL with Rose Tints
KL (Klang Valley)

“ Remember the crazy mini buses?" – Our road havocs

“Bangsar used to be happening man” – Our pubs and bar area

"So sakai la the Orang Asli’s sit outside the road” – Forest reserve and homes for the orang asli; currently Kota Damansara.

“ There used to be trees here. Now we have highways. I guess they can be concrete trees, only uglier” – Tree lined roads

“They tore down my school” - Bukit Bintang girls school, now Pavilion shopping mall

“Wao arranged marriages still happens in Malaysia?” – my neighbour meeting various brides to be

“eww it looks like a longkang la” - stream in FRIM concretized

“Ehh wooden house so kampong la” – Our race to be ‘modern’

-Memories with words spoken with you within the city.Its the people who makes the city.

4.Walking a-Long old haunts

"Same same but not the same"

-Memories with spaces in KL

5. Light my butter cups

"She loan me the fee for submitting this portfolio with no questions ask.."

- Memories of support and Love from Lim Paik Lyn

6.Reflecting elemental

" One minute do theater, the next doing photography. Like jumping here and there...blablablabla. You got to be focus Paik Yin"

"I love so many things that I want to be everything"

- Memories of inner dialogue with family and worried mum. Interaction without my world. Reflective view points.

7.Finding me in me

"I can't read Chinese la"
"Eee you banana"

"I hated Chinese school but now I'm grown up I'm glad I understand a little bit Chinese la"

- Memories of unfamiliar Chinese customs that are unrelated but comforting later on.

8.Submerge in dreams and beauty

"Look rainbow"

"Wao...."

"Dum dee dee dum..."

"Sometimes the world is so ugly I need to retreat to a little space and be immersed"

-Memories of cocooning myself and passively watching by.

9.The good ole days, moving along

"Remember in high school we use to go "pang sai" on the road? haha"

"OMG she use to be so cun last time"

"Yea we use to talk over the phone for hours hahahahah"

"Wao I know you for 15 years already? We got to celebrate wei"

"What am I going to do. I'm pregnant and I miss him so much."

"Yea he is married but I love him"

"Ehh don't take so much pills la"

- Memories with high school friends moving on to a less simplistic view.

10.Let's fly TO-get-here
"Why are you looking for her approval?Enough already you are grown up"

"I don't know why you always hide behind other people okay. Stop hiding"

"Babes you damn creative la"

"There isn't a music scene in KL okay"
"There is la you just don't know where"

"Cool found a jamming circle"

"Wanna write lyrics for me?"

- Memories with old and new friends. All believed in me before I believe in myself.

11.Time to ROCK this show
"Ehh babes you damn cool la"

"Woman you have always been creative la"

"Ya ke? I can't remembered la"

"Yea la you always been creative what remember those jeans you did at art attack lol"

"Ooo I love that we had so much fun"

- Memories forgotten that re-ignite confidence

12.Lets get personal

"Damn man when I got back home my family move so I don't even know how to get back home and before I left RA*** was my security anchor"

"Yea I was telling my father why he is shouting when he is just talking and my family went like eeyerr chichi go America so hoity toity already"

"Yea I didn't tell you this but I had anxiety attacks when I was working in COR***, driving home I just burst out crying for no reason"

"Who are you talking to?"

"Please don't go"

"Huh I thought things would be different, as in you would change la, Phew I can still talk to you."

"How are you now?"
"Great actually. I was fragmented before and I was coming together but woman I damn love you okay cause meeting you reminded me to just be myself"

- Memories breaking down in NYC, fragmenting in the midst from NYC to KL and reverse culture shock. Consolidation process in KL

2. Digital images are taken from 2006 to 2011

Fuji Film 5100 , Pentax KX and a point and shoot Panasonic Lumix.

Uneditted because there is beauty in "reality".

3. Lim Paik Yin.

I work with projects that gravitate towards,Art, children,gender equality and sustainable living.

As a learning artist, I have been taking photographs of spaces where I find beauty in the simplest of everyday life be it the reflection of the sunlight on a window on a warm evening walking in the city or discovering street art during my short stay in America exploring New York City.

Writing spoken words was a natural gravitation that has evolved from writing in my diary at 16. I've done a few readings at Open Mic nights and write now writing some lyrics with some music

What I love about performing arts is that I can combine my love for dance, theater, photography, spoken words and moving pictures. Kind of like a mini festival

Spaces going B&W

2011-03-26T18:01:00.000+08:00

So I realized that I do all these colourful text with CAP-I-tal words is to confuse people...well at least I didn't realize it at that point under the pretext of it's fun. There is a part of me which still thinks that it is FUN to cap-I-TALE-ize random words in words but for now before heading out to the great OPEN road, I'll go Black and White.

Right now I'm living in an art gallery and it's a dream job.

It got me thinking about SPACES.

SPACES working with people
Working here, I've been overwhealmed a couple of times considering I've always known that sitting in front of a computer doing admin or writing out proposals are never my thing. That and I get bogged down with the lack of info I get from people or becoming over detailed about what a person want specifically. (perception its an either or thing)

The cool thing is because you are patient and guided me, you made a space for me without me realizing until much later. Thank You

spaces HOME

I never had a Space which I called my own as I've always shared a room with my sister growing up and in high school I was living in a dorm. "Home" had little SPACE for me to just be me with all the fucking obligations and ways of living that is deemed "correct"

ie You should sleep early
ie WHy you go out so much etc etc etc

n/Well today just realize its all a communication/listening issue. Because you don't listen I end up not listening which also leads to a fucking long roundabout ending at the same point over and over again

spaces OUTSIDE

I learnt to make SPace outside of the 4 corners of a building. When I sit on a tree knowing that the mundane would walk pass me when I'm just up above really cracks me up. Gleefully sometimes I feel that people are in such a rush to go from point A to point B, to achieve that they forget to look at their surroundings. I should know I numb myself doing that damn 9 to 5 job

Well despite all the complaints and cursing, I learnt to make spaces sitting in the mamak shop amidst chattering commotion. Funnily enough words flow. Its almost because I feel insignificant surrounded by all this noise and "distraction", I probaly allow myself to feel cause I just assume everyone is too busy minding thier own business.

The best lunches I have is sitting in Mont Kiara and looking at all this concrete highways cutting across the buildings and seeing plants growing in little cracks or when the wind blows and ballerina leaves twirl about dancing with the winds. If it rains the breeze hovering over my hair zipping across my skin makes me close my eyes and smile.

Spaces AWAY
When I was living with you in America, it was the first time I had a panic attack. No back up system, no family no friends. My illusionary strength fades away as I realize how much of my arrogance and pride came from the knowingness of the support system I took for granted back home.

Create-ting Spaces

You know when you told me that you dream of a Home where people could come and teach and make art etc, and you get to learn at the same time, I have the same dream to. I would love to have a Space where people come together and share thier knowledge, inspiration, dreams and inspire each other to get things done not in a naggy way but through thier own actions.

I have tons of books and Movies that I bought but you know its boring doing things by yourself sometimes.For me ideas come alive and grow when its shared (brain-storming sessions). Remember that time when we were cooking and I wanted to barbeque the eggplants and we ended up burning the fork? Or knowing that the dish is lacking something and you came out with the briliant idea of putting some dill from the herb garden? For me people inspire and teach me (after being humbled) especially when they share their world, their dreams, their perspective, their knowledge, their way of being.

To all of you who had dinner at the gallery, Thanks for the washing up, putting up with my control freakness, laughing, sharing worlds, playing, making, complaining, loving, smiling, playing by the rules so there will be more dinners :D and most of all for sharing and inspiring me :D

So in lieu of Spaces away, I'll publish my notes, letters and diary entries in this blog. All I'm doing is taking out the names and subsituting it with I, You, Me, he, Her, Them, Us :)

Seeding Wilderness

2011-03-19T00:33:00.002+08:00

Seeding Wilderness by weedflower featuring bow jewelry

Willow ruffle skirt
228 GBP - net-a-porter.com

All saint
$110 - allsaints.com

By Daniela Villegas chain jewelry
3,610 GBP - kabiri.co.uk

Brass jewelry
$40 - amazon.com

Bow jewelry
4.50 GBP - talullahtu.co.uk

Project : THEhe-ART of Living

2011-03-16T21:33:00.045+08:00

My real education starts now.Researching for
      *
"*@*    \0#%$0/      (( (( :) ))
1  1   11 1 11     1 1 1 1 1

Project : THEhe-ARTofLiving

1. Permaculture
~~(/Feng Shui? (need to investigate further):)~~
tummy fulfilling,
toes tickling,
and land loving.

Been planting a couple of stuff from seeds.
Also started a little garden outside my parents house. Its "dirty", its "messy" and that is the whole point of it.

I want My plants to be strong.
I want my plants to remember that it didn't need me to BABY it.
I want my plants to remember it's PAst.

I want the plants to have a second chance.
I want plants that people thROW to GROW.
I want the WILDerness to come.

I dream of a space where ALL is welcome.
I dream of a day when we realize there is already a sPACE if we slow down and fEEL.

In this plot of land

there is a LONG-Kang
but I see a WATER-Fall, with rocks and all
LACK-ing some LIFE.

Just a few doors away, there was a huge BUNdle of vines
WANNA play Tarzan and Jane?
I can be your JANe lol
as I unwind.

VVine is a strong rope it MAkes
I tie it around a brick and throw it in the LONG-kang
LISTEN to the change in water flow from pounding to drippings of bells
LONG-kanG no more

Art

He-ART

FART

TART

CART

Carbon Based Lifeforms - Abiogenesis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoKt4vhJ-c0&feature=related

Closeted ART-IS COMING out

2011-03-15T03:09:00.000+08:00

weedflower's ART-IS portfolio

http://weedflower.see.me/aw2011

My first entry

My first portfolio

My first voting call

My first everything

Cooking dinner for you all

Jamming at the tikar with you all

Music randomness outside with you all

Sharing the dinner table and cooking with you all

Thank you for joining in

Thank you for sharing in

Thank you for opening in

Thank you for spacing in

So peeps, its been a long time since I wrote on this blog.
Yes I've been in a cacoon.
I've experienced New Jersey, Visited Frida in Mexico, found street art in NYC, meet the most interesting people in the States who don't think that they are interesting, lived in New York City for 3 months out of the kindness of people but most of all I've been inspired.

To break out of my cacoon,

I had to defragment myself.

I had to say some goodbyes

and learn some lessons softly

Coming back to Malaysia

Initial disorientation

led to some friends and past habits

Surrendering to doing what I don't want to do

It's been disorientating touching down KL. So much have changed and so much has remained the same. In retrospect, Kuala Lumpur has grown up like me. I become more shiny and "modern" up to the point where I remember someone took a horrendous picture of me and I was very upset. Hang on there. That doesn't sound like who I am.Oh no!!! I've become serious Gasp gasp gasp. Will I lose my quirkiness and all that randomness in my head....

hang on

I did lost my sense of humour without even knowing it eeek.

Since 2008

I worked in Corbis as a photo researcher at Corbis. Love the job had to adjust to the enviroment.

www.corbis.com

which led to a short but interactive stint at Bake 180

http://www.google.com.my/search?sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8&q=bake180

I coordinated HerStory Malaysia. Love the arty aspect had to adjust to working with people

http://www.facebook.com/HerStoryMalaysia?ref=ts

I studied permaculture at Embun Pagi, Malaysia. Love every aspect of the course had to adjust to reigning myself

http://embunpagi2009.wordpress.com/

RIGHT NOW I'm interning and living at Shalini Ganendra Fine Art Gallery. Love the space and freedom to be AM balancing the art of being an artist and a gallery manager

http://www.shaliniganendra.com/

It's been 2 years since I landed, the open road is A-calling gain.

This time around for expansion.

Cacoon

2007-08-17T15:04:00.000+08:00

3 months in the States and finally I have settled down to a nice quiet routine.

I don't feel so pissed off here
I don't go over the speed limit
When some one asks me how am I, for the first time in my life I say I feel great (and mean it too)

Yes there are many things that are wrong about where I am and where I live but I am happy here.

Maybe I just need a change of scene
Maybe I just need to get out of my comfort zone

Who knows and I don't care because I am happy

2006-12-20T15:47:00.000+08:00

I think it’s the weather but today I am feeling very alone. Questions like “What do I want in life?” and “Who am I?” is floating in this mesh of me.

Finally my life is my own, but I got choices to make that would affect my life in a big way. It is rather scary.

Funny how years back I wanted my own life but I also wanted someone else to make choices for me. In a way I wasn’t really living my own life. I was in limbo. Yes I went to class did my assignments and all the dreary mundane things with the occasional excitement of being in theater and activism but I was still bound to my obligations.

GRADUATION

Graduating from university is very liberating for me in the sense that I am finally not bound to my parents any more. If I end up in jail for something that I believe in I won’t have to worry. There was an incident where a group of activist who got arrested and the first thought that came into my head was “Oh God, I hope they are alright” which was just a cover up for the relief I felt “…. Thank God I wasn’t there”. Yes I am ashamed to say it but that was what I thought. “Thank God I didn’t go to jail because Pa and Ma would be so disappointed” which lead to “I can forget about graduating if that happens.”

FREEDOM

Freedom is very elusive. Once you think you are free other responsibilities comes your way. Financially I am also ashamed to say that I am still somewhat dependent on them but hey I am trying.

So back to questions pertaining to what I want in life and who I am.

I know I want to be happy and I am who I am.

Maybe I can’t answer these questions because life is changing all the time and what I want is always changing.

I WANT THIS! I WANT THAT!

People’s wants are inexhaustible. Once we get what we want we want something else.

Shoes

Take this moment for instance. I am wearing my gold heels which I wanted years back. I even had to beg Ramon to lend me some money to get it. I wore it once for clubbing and than chucked it in the shoe rack up until today. Today its nothing more than a pair of heels I dug out.

Travel

I want to travel and not travel in the touristy way (though if you have a limited amount of time you’ve got to do the touristy stuff). So I am applying for the au pair program. Now when the host family is finally in contact, I still want it but I am also scared because I would have to leave the familiar. It’s a vulnerable feeling

Stage Glam

I claim not to want to act on stage but I do. Is it for the glam factor? I don’t see what’s so glamorous about it. Maybe its because I don’t want all of the spotlight on me…just a little will do(… an in depth entry on why I want to act would be left for some other time…) Well I booked myself an audition at KLPAC and it took me about a week to the deadline to go ahead with it. I hate to say it but I am scared. I think its because I want it and I don’t want to disappoint myself.

WHO AM I?

I can make a soap drama out of my friend’s life. One had an abortion and the other is having an affair with a married man. When I was younger I detest smokers but now I am one and I’ve gotten over the guilt trip.

Abortion

I say I firmly believe in pro-life and against abortion yet when it boils down to it, its just words when you are in the situation. In a way just saying something is easy. It’s easy to say this is my principals and I will stick to it. It takes a certain courage for someone to stick to them but I myself I don’t think I am that strong and that is why I don’t have a stand on anything when it is to do with somebody’s life. Who am I to say that what she did was right or wrong. I respect my friend for the choice she made because I understand that it was a hard one. Some people might say she is selfish but I don’t think so.

Affair

Friend who is having an affair with a married man.

She knows it is wrong and she feels bad. In a way I think she is happier with that arrangement because I never thought that she is the 100% fully committed type. She needs her space and… well the last time I talked face to face was a long time ago. Maybe 3 or 4 years back? Do I think any less of her? No. People make the choices they make and I respect that. I only hope that she is happy la. If it’s really love than I would say that it takes great courage to take actions on it. If not it is what it is.

Me?

So how does this relate to who I am? I don’t know. Erm what would I do if I was faced in the same situation?

Maybe the trick is to appreciate what we have/get and live for the moment. The only thing that matter is the here and now.

Savour the moment

2006-12-19T21:54:00.000+08:00

So I applied for an au pair program and today there is an email from the agency that there is a host family who is interested. Later on when I checked my inbox… the first contact with a host family.

I got to admit that when I applied in October I didn’t think that things would move so fast. It’s a little scary and exciting at the same time. Funny how it’s a little like a death sentence (in a good way). Knowing that there is a high chance that I will be going off to another country, leaving my family, friends and all that I am familiar with it makes me want to savor it all the more.

So that’s what I am going to do.

To a new phase

2006-12-18T12:18:00.000+08:00

So here I am at work and I should be working mind you but it’s so easy to just slip off and do something else because you can. Sometimes having absolute freedom maybe fun but if you can’t keep yourself in check who can? Sad existence needing someone to keep you in check.

So I am blogging again. Yea The year is about the end and I am blogging again.Welcome to heading to 27 and fresh from the graduation pool

Over and out from the lazy bugger

eVerYthing mashed up into one post

2005-10-08T05:20:00.000+08:00

Well hear I am back at blogging again.
Some how things seem to be slowing down for me at the moment.
Exams, spending time with my mate who went on her world tour took up my time are among the few that lead to the inactivity of this blog.

Whats new?
The latest event for the past 6 Sundays, I have been attending a workshop organized by KYRSS and an art gallery call Reka Art’s Space. Right now I should be working on the piece that I am to submit in about 12 hours time and I think I am a bit stump. Maybe I am recollecting whatever that happened in the workshop.

Alright what are these workshops about? The first 3 weeks were discussions on identity gender and sexuality and the last 3 weeks were meant for the participants to express their thoughts through art.
1.
The first few questions that popped in my head was what is an artist? But that question was in my mind long before this workshop started. Well the search is over, I finally got the answer the my question.

A man who works with his hands is a labourer;
A man who works with his hands
and his brains is a craftsman;
A man who works with his hands and his brains
and his heart is an artist

- quote from Louis Nizer, lawyer to Salvador Dali and Charlie Chaplin.

To me art has to be personal but than the matter of personal is rather ambiguous.

I got to say that going to the workshop made me spend more time in the library and I discovered Picasso other than Frida Kahlo who was always my favourite artist.
2.
Back to the workshop...So before I joined this workshop my thoughts on identity was that gender and sexuality is a subset of gender and sexuality. But now come to think of it if how you feel towards a person be it loathing or sexually attraction can mold who you are.
What I am questioning now is that what if identity is a large painting, Would the details that make out the painting consist of sexual preference and gender?
What makes the painting a painting anyway. The texture of the paper? The colors embedded? The scratches on the surface of the material that you are using? More questions that needs to be answered.
3.
Why would an obese person repulse me somehow? Some people feel pity when they know that someone don’t believe in God, or the God that they believe in anyway (eyes rolling here)

4. So what is identity, sexuality and gender?
Still in the dark but here are some Highlights from the workshop

There is no one marker to identify a single straight female (still really from the shock and will explain in detail some other time)

It grossed me out to see a daughter kissing her biological father in an intimate way but some how it wasn’t that repulsive watching her kiss her mother. Question. Why so?!?

Obese people don’t repulse me but watching human bodies being treated as cattle i.e hanging on the meat hooks really disgusted me. Thankfully I saved myself by switching to a third person mode. Thats when most of my emotions were tuned out.

Story that pissed me off the most was the story of a disable aboriginal girl who was raped by an officer who worked in a department who were suppose to take care of the aborigine’s rights and well being. Talk about ironic. To cap it off the only reason why he was found out is because she got pregnant Even then when asked for a RM 5000 compensation the guy paid RM 2500 and disappeared. Argh writing this down still enrages me. No wonder we need a fictional character like superman or spiderman. The Heroes of justice

Alright cool down …1.2.3.4.5.6.7 breathes deeply bla

5.
I think I am partially humbled by the fact that artist draw every chance they have and I have been lamenting that I can’t draw as well blabla and lamenting just leaves you with nothing. Still some how I don’t know but staring at the empty white paper and taking the first step drawing is somewhat scary all the time for me. Maybe its like the initial reluctance to jump into a pool of cold water when you want to go swimming. You want to go into the pool inch by inch but you know it is definitely easier in the long run if you just jump in the pool.

Are you An Artist?

2005-08-10T03:09:00.000+08:00

Weekend workshop organized by Sisters In Islam (SIS) : - Artist and Activists for Justice
Venue : - Shah Village Hotel…beside A&W near Amcorp Mall
Random thoughts 1 throughout the workshop.

4th of August 2005

Are you An Artist?

No one would say they are an artist. Why? I think we are afraid to put labels on ourselves. Set up too high an expectation on yourself? Artist are an elite class? Is it beyond our reach? Unattainable? Low self esteem = modesty?

My take is that we got to be brave. Brave enough to face the critics. Brave enough to put ourselves there; In the line of fire.

[- - Ouch

Exhibition and road Rage

2005-08-05T05:44:00.000+08:00

Had a pretty good night. The whole morning was spent sleeping on the couch pushing the dogs head and legs away. The neighbour is renovating and the sounds of the drilling and pounding….Jeez its torture so as you can see my days in the house is pretty bad
One week mid term break right now

Sun goes down ..and moon comes up

Back to the creatures of the night. Creative Chargers here I come. Was charging all the way to the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) Center when oopsie doo its Creative Change. Well I met Jac who seems to be the mastermind behind this project and had my Orientation. I really didn’t know there was an orientation. Well the orientation left me with a free teh o ais limau (ice lime tea?) and loads of interesting comments thrown with cussing from jac. I was kind off hoping to see how a meeting would go. A little disappointed but you can’t stay down long with good company.
The meeting ended

Reka arts gallery - exhibition by Sharon Chin = boats and bridges.
Sharon used to go to my high school and God damn my high school mates are there.

Don’t ask me why but I am just an anti social when it comes to people who knew me..ok ok I was angry and repress in high school. I was angry. I thought everyone was lame…except me ehhe. I was bored. Guys look at me weird when I played basketball. Ahh high school. I just remember tons of anger and good friends.

Well back to the exhibition so yea I was avoiding a couple of people. You may say I am stuck up but I just feel its all hypocritical talking to them. I don’t know. That’s how I feel.

So the exhibition opening night. At first I didn’t really get it, it made no sense to me (but that was probably the brains talking and thinking about the amount of people in the small space) I would say that there seem to be a reoccurring theme to the exhibition. The one that stood out would be the installation (is that the right word?) with barricade tape flapping in the air conditioned room. The piece that left the most impression in me after I left was this piece which….trying hard to think of a description. Ok imagine a big piece of liquid paperery white paper all grainy and white. Now scatter islands around filled with square block cells much like your little mathematics exercise books you used in high school. Fill the cubes with statements and letters and finally make sure everything is 2-D and there you have it the piece that left an impression on my mind. Its not so much visually stimulating for me but answering the questions written on the islands. Name 5 anatomical body part. Erm not too sure about that. Name 5 porn websites (I am sure its easy for some but all my mind came up with is zilch. Dead tone) Name 5 philosophers ooo I know that Socrates,Plato erm yea I know that …lala name 5 poets…Blake?
Anyway the point is it actually made me a little embarrassed because I couldn’t answer these questions (not the porn site one la) like 5 philosophers hello I should be able to and poets ooo is Dante a poet? Well anyway it just shows how ignorant I am and that is why I like that piece.

- End of exhibition –

Sister is going for her driving test on Monday so people pray for her. She took me for a drive and we were practicing her driving on the slope which is the entrance of the park near my place. Well today my sister got a taste of road rage. This guy parked his car at the entrance god knows what he is doing there with his girlfriend. And when he saw my sis stopping at the slope which leads to the entry he had the nerve to drive straight up and block her and whats worse flashing his stoopid beamer into her eyes. Naturally since she was practicing her slope, the car was at a stand still for sometime and me being stubborn I told her not to start the car…after all he was heading in the wrong direction number 1. number 2 we could have drove past him but no Mr. asshole had to block us and flash his headlights at us. me being me I was ranting and cursing at him in the car and zen like my sister sat through all my ranting. In the serenity of the house she started stomping and cursing him. Now I was surprise because I thought I was the only one pissed at him. Damn we could have taken him out…not.

Rage - boiling point

Identity- Who Am I and Story

2005-08-04T07:03:00.000+08:00

Finished this piece, Identity- Who Am I, at about 5am plus. My boobs are in there some where eheheheh.

erm i guess i should start on my writing exercise.Anyway the picture made me write this little story.

STORY Begin

“Where am I?”

I shudder despite the hot sun beating down on me.
I remember the first time I woke up in the hospital bed, the ceiling fan beat slowly round and round and everything was white and pristine. I hear a woman sobbing beside my bed.

“Who are you. Why are you crying.”
“Oh Sherly, Oh Sherly”
“Who is Sherly”

Waking up seems like a decade ago but in truth it has only been a month ago. I hear all sorts of things about Sherly. She is the most popular girl in school, captain of the cheerleading squad, and doing well academically. She was the girl that every girl want to be. Perfect.

I have the “greatest” boyfriend who is attentive to my every need according to my best friend Rory. Doug is nice about everything. He walks me to class and eats lunch with me everyday. Every time we leave for class or home he gives me a peck on the cheek.
This is supposedly the guy of my dreams and at this moment kissing him I feel no more love for him than I do for a teddy bear in the shop that I did not grow up with.

How long is it before the façade would show? How can I go through it all? Everything is so perfect.

Everyone expects me to be the girl I was but I don’t know this person they keep mentioning. I reek with guilty for feeling this way. My best friend, my boyfriend and my parents, I think they aren’t really mine at all, they belong to someone else. I know that I should love them but somehow it seems as if the memories that are washed away took the feelings with it too. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way but sometimes I feel so lost and alone. Every time people talk about her, I want to run up and just scream at them. This is more than just living an angst ridden teenage life; this is trying to live up to an identity. The one identity who is perfect and yet supposed to be Me. I don’t feel like this girl that everyone knows. The popular girl, the smartest girl, the girl that has everything going for her, Who is this? Who am I? Am I someone else or I do still have remnants of her left?

God please give me strength.

Taking Steps

2005-08-03T07:47:00.000+08:00

http://www.pakdi.com/blog/archives/2005/04/inilah_mereka_o.html

Went web surfing and some how I came to this site. Well if you can read Malay than you can get a better picture. Basically people are people and they are arguing about who is right. I don’t know how I really feel about this. Here are people from arguing among themselves. I guess in a way without argument things aren’t going to progress and thoughts won’t be shared but somehow people saying “My religion is better that yours” just don’t cut it with me. Its akin to saying that My car is bigger and better etc. Some how reading halfway through it just seem so petty. Here we have the poor suffering, people getting mugged, politicians digging holes and burying all their “extra cash” and the orang asli’s rights are getting trampled on and all people care about is who is right. Whose religion is better. Hell vs Heaven. I am no atheist but it seem to me that loads are people are pretty concern about where they go after they die which doesn’t really make sense because you only have one life and one chance. Why not make it a better place for everyone instead?

There are many questions thrown about but I think in live its easier to ask rather than get answers. Maybe live is about asking question but I think that the quest for the answer is more important. Hmm maybe that is why the word quest is in the word question?

Been thinking a lot after theater. I’ve been depress a couple of days ago but I think maybe its because a change is coming over to me. I’ve always wanted to change the world but I learnt to aim small and try and change/help(hopefully) the people around me; hopingly that I was doing my part to make the world a better place. Now I think its time I come out from my cocoon of laziness and make believe. Its time to step up and stop making excuses. I find myself drawn to NGOs and volunteer spaces (mainly web surfing). It may be baby steps for now but I guess I need to learn how to crawl before running. Today there maybe a meeting with Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) and this weekend I am going to a workshop with Sisters In Islam(SIS) . I know that I held many biasness and prejudicial feelings towards Islam but I guess I should learn about what I am judging ehh.

Paused to continue reading the postings…

Aiyoo people are so funny. Sigh-ing off

Ponder on "copycat"

2005-07-20T05:31:00.000+08:00

Hey ya. Been busy playing around with photoshop, editting pictures for my new blog.
Ok I shall not neglect this blog.

Thoughts on my mind

I went to class today, (I don’t really go to class often eheh) and my strategic management lecturer kept repeating this word, “copycat”.

Ok to be honest I was zoning out due to the heat but hey at least i know he was making some joke to prove his point. Well back to the story, so this dude he just kept repeating copycat.
It got me thinking (yes the heat may have made me sluggish but I can still think)how the hell did this word come about. I know I am guilty of using it too but why do we say copycat? For the non users of copycat, copycat means mimic. Is it because one is mimicking a cat or do cat mimic other cats?

Another word that us Malaysians tend to use is the word outstation.
For example “I am going outstation next week”
That word is a reminiscent of our colonial past but where the hell did copycat come about.

Anyone got any clues?

announceMent : new blog Up

2005-07-16T18:00:00.000+08:00

Hey peeps!

Yeap! Its been some time now since I whine and ramble on. Announcement
New blog up by me. Basically I decided to set up a blog for the times when I go traveling, sort of like a travelogue. There are plenty lots of pictures with sceneries, animals etc. so check it out. It’ll only be updated when I travel out of KL la. Ooh for the uninformed I went to Kuching for the past week and hence missed classes and partied like hell. Its now back to the grinding blocks. Sigh. If you want to know what happen in Kuching go to

http://jalanwithme.blogspot.com/

JulY 2nd - the Aftermath

2005-07-05T03:12:00.000+08:00

I should be doing my assignment and here I am at 2:33 am in the morning in front of my PC spacing out.
Maybe it’s the fact that I am going to Kuching in 2 days time or maybe it’s the fact that the production is over I am not too sure myself. I know Ariff and Azhar are feeling melancholy that we would not be meeting up 3 times a week at the s.space even though it was hard on some of us.

JULY 2nd – the aftermath

Its over. What can I say about the production? Well honestly I know this is one of my biggest role ever. I get to throw a tantrum and share my vocal powers with the rest of the world muahahhaah. It was a little embarrassing for me at first because there were these hordes of little kids asking for autographs.Really embarrassing up to the point where I realize they probably do this all the time and then I just go with the flow. I think the highlight of the afternoon show was when the lights came up and the look on my sister’s face was priceless. Apparently during the fight scenes my sis had deja-vu of me quarrelling with mom and an incident where I ahem..shouted at the neighbour.

Neighbour incident
There I was sleeping peacefully when I heard little kids screaming out of the windows. At first I thought that they were just playing around until I realize that the insults were hurling in our direction. Those kids couldn’t see me but they could see my sis. Well basically I was waken from my peaceful slumber and to make me extra grumpy, I heard their granpa encouraging and telling them what to shout. Now that made my blood boil. In general I like kids and old people no matter how grumpy or whiny they are. Kids are oblivious to what is right or wrong but when the old man was the schemer behind all this racket I just burst. No need to tell what I said so there. That was my justification for shouting at the neighbour bleh.
In case anyone is wondering it , the time was about 1-3…pm. Yea I sleep a lot.

Back to the 2nd of July
Seriously though, the high was worth all the frustrations and time. I think our weekends is going to be rather empty after this. *SIGH*
The funny thing is no one thought of recording the play and hardly there were hardly any pictures taken. Ahh well I guess as Teresa said it will all live in our memories (not unless all of us gets Alzheimer’s diseases).

Other Plans
Anyway Kuching here I come. I think I am just going to spend more time with this most excellent group http://www.hospitalityclub.net/ and maybe I will just volunteer for Food Not Bombs. I always wanted to but some how never did got my butt there. Dunno maybe you will see me there some time soon.

In case any one is wondering if the nameless theater group is going to be revived, the answer is YES but I think all of us need a break for now so if anyone is interested leave a comment. Ahem sponsors for a venue to practice within the vicinity of KL city would also be greatly appreciated. Time estimated probably some where beginning of year 2006.

PICTURES

1-Stephan @ Azhar + Teresa

2- Me + Teresa + Azhar + David

3-Its over. William morphing to Ramon Raj

A Tribute to the diehards/hardcore

2005-06-28T04:46:00.000+08:00

Uni has started aargh…ooo I feel sick…argh I am sick. Well uni has started for 3 weeks already and I think I am starting to get the hang of things again...sort off

On the night before class, my forehead started heating up and there was gooseflesh all over. As the night wore on I got a fever. I think its post holiday trauma. I just don’t want my holidays to end.

For all you folks out there, in case you didn't know, I had a 2 months break from uni and it was bliss.Sigh

Theater Sessions / People

Every day of my holiday was filled with eating sleeping and generally just going for theater sessions.
In a week's time, more specifically the 2nd of July, all this will end. No more theater for me for a long while. Phew.
Part of me is going to celebrate because there will be no more worrying about what people are thinking or how things could have been done and rescheduling stuff to fit theater in. Yet despite everything, I know when it is all over, I will miss the diehards who stayed on.

Teresa@ dickChick and all her far out comments that make you just go huh.

David@ Mr. K.I.A with his confusing mood swings; you never know what he have up his sleeves. It gives me a headache trying to figure him out.

Ariff the director that we… well I bitch about because he is the director and I don’t do well with directions. Muhahahaha.Nah Ariff is alright. I admire his ability to switch modes. One minute Mr. Macho the next thing you know a little cheeky boy or a makcik.

Next in line, Azhar with all his witty comments, quotes from strange people and poetry. This guy really cracks me up especially his laughter

The latest addition to the group would be Ramon. He has only been with us for a couple of months but Ramon is a necessary one as he is our sacrifice to the God of laughter and stories. In a way Ramon is our pillar that in a way keeps us all together. Its hard to explain but he definitely entertains us. OMG his stories. Really interesting.

Seriously though I really admire and respect every single one of these people for putting in the energy and effort to continue on with the theater program even though the company closed down. I got to say that Teresa is the nicest and most tolerant woman I know and I respect her for her principles and ethics. Hell she tolerates me blek.

Well I guess this started as a whingy little piece about uni but ended as an ode to the people that I have hung out for the past 2 months and despite all the drama and conflicts I know I will miss them all…except for Ramon. He is my housemate.

All hail to the diehards!!!

StReSS, The PRoduceR, TheateR ... the dreariness that comes with paSSioN

2005-06-01T05:09:00.000+08:00

Whinging
Stress.Lfe is all about stress I guess. I have been neglecting my blog because everything seem to be piling up. Ha excuses as usual but I guess drama in my life makes me feel drain. Some time ago the theater group I am with had a confessional session and someone said that I am hostile and I intimidated him. Well to be honest I don’t really know how I really feel about that. I think a certain part of me feels upset because that part feels that we can never hang out as friends but the other part just feel that its what’s necessary.

Theater - VTC to the nameless theater group
The history of it all since this is going to end soon

It all started out last year. There were about 10 of us and we were all under Victorian Theater Company. Well as time wore on and as more nerves were grated people started leaving.

After a while things just didn’t seem to be going too well. The producer is stuck in between paychecks and bringing good to the group. In the end the company closed down and there was only 5 of us. I was determine that we would have a production no matter what and the 5 of us started off with an energy that I never saw before. Before we all met up once a week but now we were meeting up 3 times a week and there were some that thought that after a few weeks time things would just disintegrate like all “Reformasi” in Malaysia but we stuck through. Undeniably I became the bad guy who had to push and shut people up but sometimes I wish that people would just listen.

As production date is nearing we have finally gotten a script and the latest drama is still about the script. Maybe its my fault for telling him that it was a piece of crap. Frustration and anger clouded me and that was my mistake. But hey at least I apologize la...

- The be continued -

Arrgh see why I don’t blog any more. I have become boring and prissy.
Well people the next time I think I will just blog down my story from my writing course... maybe

Hunter Soul

2005-05-15T21:09:00.000+08:00

Ohh no i am addicted to these stuff.Its all honeyBosh's fault ...arghh but this is kinda true though.

You Are a Hunter Soul

You are driven and ambitious - totally self motiviated to succeed
Actively working to acheive what you want, you are skillful in many areas.
You are a natural predator with strong instincts ... and more than a little demanding.
You are creative, energetic, and an extremely powerful force.

An outdoors person, you like animals and relate to them better than people.
You tend to have an explosive personality, but also a good sense of humor.
People sometimes see you as arrogant or a know it all.
You tend to be a bit of a loner, though you hate to be alone.

Souls you are most compatible with: Seeker Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

QUESTION : what makes you feel alive? AND split ends

2005-05-14T06:09:00.000+08:00

Today is one of those days. I just don’t want to talk to any one. The masses starting to bore me. Everyone seem so intent on getting the latest gadget or worries about their image. All these little little insignificant things. All this makes me want to scream “Blardi hell surely there must be more to life than just this?”

Question : What makes you feel alive?

The most interesting reply I had to this question was strip dancing. And by this I mean he likes to strip dance. Fancy that. I am pretty impress. Never thought I hear someone say that.

For some its adrenaline like bungee jumping. Maybe it’s the fact that laughing at death makes them feel more alive?

Me? I feel alive when I am having a deep and meaningful conversation. It’s like I am a leeching up and sucking all their ideas and in return I give them back a great hurl of opinions and ideas that swirls and gets people stoned. It’s a talent I have. Yes, yes thank you (bowing to sounds of imaginary clapping) Sounds yucky actually. Back to being serious, discussing about the what ifs in life perks the imaginative side of my brain and I am not talking about regrets here. Listening to stories either real or surreal is just as entertaining, especially if one has the talent for uncovering secret and embarrassing incidents muahahahah…

aargh morphing into pink plastic long haired....

Ooo yea and being bimbotic can be fun too. Moving to an entertaining note, I honestly would say I feel alive when I am doing silly stuff or hatching up schemes to inflict on myself or other people. Ehheeheh.

Naturally at this point in time the bimbotic incidents that I find myself in just would not come to my mind or there would be a nice little story on how bimbotic I was/am. Although strangely I do recall stories about the bimbotic deeds of my friends pretty easily. Now I do find this strange but trust me, one day the bimbotic side with giant plastic boobs would rise above me and I will be sure to blog it down…

Some people would be embarrassed about doing silly stuff but what the hell you only live once. Yea so I am most alive when I get that motto in motion – when I throw caution to the wind and just do what I wanna do (within limits of course).

Being a bimbo and laughing about it later on.

(due to the nature of my personalities the answers are split, ohh no I just split my hair. I so hate split ends)

Back FRom The Land OF Laziness + Distractions (pictures as compensation)

2005-05-13T04:42:00.000+08:00

Been getting lazy these days. What can I say my high school mate is back and I have to go for theatre group practice every Monday, Wednesday and Saturdays. That leaves little time for me to bum around before uni starts in mid June.

To be honest I am getting distracted by the glitz and bitchiness of reality TV ahhaha.

American Top Model Season 4 here I come.

So yea I am going to cheat. I am going to put up of pics me and my sis took today after watching Kingdom of Heaven at the cinema in Berjaya Times Square, KL.

fire at will - caught in the act

ouchie - hot stuff

inspector know it all - sis

Ok so the pictures got nothing to do with the movie we watched.

So what at least it entertains

AngRy WomaN RaNtiNg

2005-05-05T04:06:00.000+08:00

"I got no time la"

"Sorry dear busy tonight."

Ever felt that the older you get the more things you need to get done and the less time you seem to have for yourself?
Well maybe its because we get so caught up with our jobs or partners and you know what...

That SUCKS!!!

Yea say all you want.
Say that you’ve all grown up and you’ve got to take care of someone other than yourself. Say that I am childish yada yada yada.

My point is if you ain’t happy can you actually truly please someone else?

Take possessive lovers.
If your partner was possessive and you have a social life of a zero when you are together, won’t you start expecting the same from him/her? Won’t you become resentful or bored? Is this your routine conversation?

You : hey how was your day
Partner : its same old same old. How was yours?
You : ahh you know great
(Silence both do whatever they were doing before.)

Granted this scene can be so much more worse if anyone of them grunted a reply

Gawd I think I just died of boredom

Back to reasons to put yourself first.

What about your job.

Call me idealistic but I want my job to be something that I wake up every morning raring to go. I don’t want a job that I go to because I have to. The next time you are stuck in a traffic jam or in the LRT during the morning rush hour look at the faces. Do they look happy? No they actually look like zombies
(must be the lack of makeup and the out of bed look apparently I pull this look off really well)
My point is shouldn’t the factor in our career be made up of what we are interested in and not the pay check?

Ahh well I guess they weren’t kidding when they said money is the root of all evil.

*no trigger just felt like being an angry woman for today. Grrrrr

Sitiawan Ah Mah

2005-05-03T06:48:00.000+08:00

Ah Mah
I always had fond memories of my grandma in Sitiawan Perak so it kind of pains me to see her so weak and helpless. I always felt that my ah mah was a proud person and even when she could walk she never really wanted to accept help from anyone except for the rare occasions.

Yesterday my dad, sis and me when down to visit her. I would like to think that our visit did some good because when we left today, ah mah said that the next time that we see her she would be able to walk. I guess we killed the monotony of her life.

We arrived at their place (2 unmarried aunts and ah mah) at about 3:30pm and I was tired. Got on the floor and had a nap

DREAM
Ah mah was in a chair and she was trying to switch on/off a light. She couldn’t get up from her chair so she kept using a long wire and press the switch. In the end I couldn’t take it so I lift her from her chair and got her to press on the switch. When she sat down she look had a look of resignation and at the same time there was a sense of being relieved. I can’t remember exactly what she said but it made me tear.

“It's inevitable. The gates of heaven is open and I cannot avoid it any more. It is time that I walk through it"

Me about to tear in the dream... WOKE UP

I don’t know if it is a premonition but even before we went down I get the feeling that my ah mah didn’t really had much time on this earth any more. In a way I am praying that she live long enough to at least see me get married because I owe this woman a lot. Yea she spoilt me when I was a child and bought me junk food when my mom didn’t buy any for me. I know its selfish but I want my ah mah to be with me just for a little longer. I enjoy going down and visit her because it is a short vacation from the stress and ugliness of city life. I guess what I really fear is that if she is gone there won’t be a purpose to visit Sitiawan any more and I really feel close to my aunts too. There is a possibility that we won’t go down as often as we do.

Premonitions
There was a time that I had an ugly experience while walking to tuition and I told my parents about it. The thing is my mom sort of blamed my dad.
(Maybe she just just needed something or somebody to blame for the moment)
Anyway a few days after the incident I felt this strong urge to call home.

This was in high school Form 4

I called home and my dad picked up. I just asked him if we could chat for a while and at the end of the conversation he said that it was lucky that I called because he and my mom had a huge argument over the incident and because of that he was going to leave to Sitiawan until I called.

Don’t know just feel like talking about this incident :P
Makes me think that maybe we all have hidden abilities

Muahahahhahahahah!!!

puppY PoWer - GeRMaiNe

2005-04-27T07:49:00.000+08:00

Bartholomew she isn't

geRMaiNe it is and she spreads germs.

A real Killer she ain't

She is acts just like a pussy cat

Wondering what that was about?

Well CLICK ME

Click on the pic of a closer peek

Isn't she adorable. Yea she kind of made my heart melt.

woRd of the day : CoMpaRtMentaliZed followed up with a dash of BRaiN MatteR

2005-04-25T05:13:00.000+08:00

Say CoMpaRtMeNtaliZed

Everything is compartmentalized. In a way that is what we humans need to do to make sense of the world.

People in our lives –
Family , Friends , Acquaintances , Lovers, Enemies, Work mates ...

Friends can further be grouped into -
mates you hang out with, hi-bye friends, kaki makan (eaters united), bargain queens, shoulder to cry on ...

you get the picture

We all need everything around us compartmentalized or our brains would combust into a million pieces due to random data overload.

I like the word Compartmentalized. Say it. It kind of taste nice. Your tongue moves a lot

BRaiN MatteR

On a side note, apparently Einstein used only 5% of his brains.
Think about it.
If Einstein used only 5% of his brain power, then what about us normie people?
What we'd be lucky if we reach 1%?
Well maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that we don’t use our brains to the fullest.
At the rate that we are destroying the Earth I guess it can’t be too bad that we aren’t using our brains much.

It’d be cool though in a way. Imagine a super human race with “super powers” I guess things would be as cool/chaotic as Gotham city but then again we’d probably get bored and start doing crazy heinous acts… but then that’s me being pessimistic and having weird premonitions that technology would one day render humans lazy, weak and over reliant on machines.

Die Humans Die

0101 1111 0101

Now if I had to choose a super power and I only have one I would choose to fly. No more traffic jams or drunk driving for me all I need to do is make sure I don’t hit the lamp post when I am landing drunk.

Well nothing profound or weird tonight. The muse is taking a night off.

Over and out

RANTiNg : an androgynous world

2005-04-18T02:41:00.000+08:00

Had a mamak session that churn out this little piece.

Someone asked me what I think the future would be like and I said that I think that in future it would be androgynous. Ok me being a duh person I didn’t elaborate and stated that what I meant is that roles between man and woman would be androgynous.

Train of thoughts ready for departure...choo choo

Then again scarily maybe that’s where it all starts from. If men and women would equal in all aspects why would we need to call each other men or women. I mean we are equal why even separate gender. What would sex be like? Would there be a national debate on equality if one person prefers to be on top? Who knows what the future will hold. Maybe we’d be so highly developed that we don’t even need to have sex anymore just project your acts of pleasure with whatever being across the room and there you have it.

Carnal pleasure.

Of course things would be way more sophisticated. I mean people today are disgusted with women and their hair all over other than the ones on their head. (Maybe it’s the fact that they are hairless all over and the accumulation of it ends up on the head) Why if men and women were equal we’d all be hairless and shiny except for the women with their long flowing mane which is the epitome of sexiness (and the only way to distinguish the femmes). I mean the conversation on who got it longer would just veer from the male species and there won’t be any more speculation.

Its all convenience in the future.

In the future emitting your odor (which emit pheromones, that is a meter of your sexiness hormones…supposedly la) is a boo boo. Ohh wait that’s already happening. It’s pretty logical actually. Everything is going to be sterilized. In the future with sex being too animalistic, all you have is mind blowing sex (taken literally of course). Why bother with all these smells and hairiness.

Imagine a world where men and women are equal and nothing to differentiate them.

Scary

OK finally I am getting to the conversation from the mamak session.
The above was an expert from the cynical and deranged mind file section.

Venue : some outdoor mamak

Time : 15th of April 2005,Friday

Reason : Bored high i got loose think too much and becoming a blabber mouth

Blabbing How roles are going to be androgynous?

Well I am all for feminism and its cause but at one point of time I actually come to realize this where does that leave men? Men have over the years been brought up to believe that they are the stronger sex and hence they should have more ‘power’ or say in the process of decision making. Well these days women are gaining liberties in the work place. Things are far from perfect today but this is the future we are talking about here. Gender roles are blurring. We have the new wave of men and women today. Women have choices today. There is a new generation of men who aren't obsessed with being "macho" any more (metrosexual men la)

Women are more emotional and men are logical.

Well what if we are brought up that way? Women are more emotional because we are allowed to. If a little boy were to cry society would ask him to dry up and be a man. Heck girls are brought up to be less independent. Now I know parents would shout and scream that we have to protect the girls from the evils of the world (rape etc) but I think its precisely because of this over protectiveness that makes some women rely on men or think that only a man can make them feel safe.Well I have been with a couple of guys and I realize hell men and women aren’t that different. I think it’s the rules society place on sexes that makes us bewildered with each other. Ok after all these raving and ranting I can honestly say I can’t claim to know a 100% how a man think. I do know that I get overly emotional get all crazy and give people a gigantic headache but I think the trick is control…or some people would see it as repression

Balancing Act/Yin and Yang

Maybe in the end it’s all about balance. Yea its good to be emotional but getting too emotional would just be too selfish because when I get emotional everything is about me. I fail to realize (ok or I don’t want to see) that I am hurting the people around me. It becomes all consuming. Yet without emotions would render that person no better than a highly developed robot because being human is to feel.

To love and hate with passion. To run away and then realize that you can’t run and block feelings for the rest of your life. To fall into the deepest pit of despair without fear knowing that you can climb out of that black hole. To love with all your heart and be hurt by actions or words. To learn to trust and earn it in return. To let someone else into your secret world every nook and cranny. That’s just life and being human.

gueSS what dad got from the market

2005-04-14T06:12:00.000+08:00

“Paik Yin! Paik Yin! Wake up see what I got”

I forced my eyes to open up and there was my dad standing next to my bed carrying a puppy in his arms like it was his first grandchild.

“I got it for rm20 only.”

I swear that if the puppy could talk it would “say what the hell is happening here”.

I really thought mom would freak out when she saw the puppy but I guess my dad’s enthusiasm germs caught on to mom. In case any one is wondering we haven’t named the puppy yet. First we got to figure out if it’s a he or a she. Ahh well I never was good with names anyway.

Well that’s news for the today.

reunited with my pen and PapeR

2005-04-13T01:06:00.000+08:00

How dull how drool my blog seems
(yes this is the inner critic that I should be packing off).

Everything is about me. Yes this is my blog but when I started this blog I had all these little stories to tell and I ended up getting caught up with my emotions.

Writing Class - reacquainted with the pen and paper

Today was my first class in creative writing with Sharon Bakar. It was really fun to have to use these fingers writing with pen and paper again. There is something very therapeutic holding the pen and materializing all these ideas down on paper. Maybe its because with a pen and paper a person is not confined to just writing in a set format like this.For me I guess writing down on paper would be a more personal affair. The fact that I use my own hands and those squiggly little un-uniformed alphabets are written down by me and me alone makes the written piece more of who I am as oppose to these cold and standardized fonts on the pc now. If this was a piece of paper this page would have at least a picture that I drew to express how I feel right now

Fast writing?
Write write write. Anything and everything in your heads goes. The rule is not to stop until the clock stop ticking. Your life mission is to pour out everything onto paper. No worries about grammar or spelling its just write write write.

Ring!The clocks stops
Its amazing with the ideas and stories that comes out of ones mind in that situation. The pressure is so intense and my concentration level was amazing. Yet I realized that the story I like the best was when I wasn’t trying to write about myself. In a way maybe I rely on writing too much to express how I feel that I lost sight of the fun of writing. The fact that when you write you make up these stories that transport you to some where else. It felt vulnerable to read out loud what I thought out loud at first but I am really glad that I did. All in all I guess I neglected my pen and paper for far too long.

I feel so alive.

thoughtS & iNSpiRatioN

2005-04-03T02:08:00.000+08:00

If only my mom knew what I had to go through to get the tickets to Zouk Friday night, she’d freak. Now don’t let your imagination go astray. All I did was hang around... actually more like loafing. but that in my mom’s books is the biggest sin.

"Why don’t you
(fill your particular loathsome chore)
(m.c. clean your room)
instead of wasting time."

m.c = my choice

Yea at times I got to admit that maybe she is right I should do something more productive, yet when it comes to the times when it seems like I am not doing anything, I am just deep in thought.

What kind of stuff you say?

Mostly just silly stuff with the occasional odd twist of crack wisdom in it, but normally I don’t really share them. I think its because people seems to be so caught up in their lives or problems that they won’t be entertained or listen to whatever it is stuck up in my head.

Now some people might just say that I have an inferiority complex but in some weird arrogant way at times (as oppose to all the time) I just think that well it’s their lost if they aren’t interested. Well ok that’s just my arrogant side speaking but in all honesty I crave for someone to listen to those thoughts and discuss about it for ideas cannot grow without interaction it lies stagnant in my mind. Beliefs have been broken before but it becomes stronger if one were to find it again.

The major problem is finding that person who understands or can see what you are getting at.

which leads to inspiration

Inspiration comes in many forms but the greatest source of my inspiration comes from the people I meet and see everyday. Sadly what inspires me the most is also what I shy from. The hard thing about being in a long term relationship is that contentment can often be mistaken for as boredom.

Maybe it is just me. There are just too many facets of me for one person to satisfy or maybe there is only one of me and one story to tell but the story is stagnant without certain people to tap into the other facets of who I am. It’s like some people bring out the best or worst in you and being human is just what hinders the materialization of thoughts.

Who gets this raise their hands please.

matteRS of the he-ART

2005-03-26T04:30:00.001+08:00

Ever wish that things could be different from the way it is now?
Loads of us do but choose not to do anything about the situation because we are a bunch of slobs (me inclusive)

When it comes to matters of the HEART I think I am at a lost.
Demand too much and you put too much pressure on the other person. Repress and it all comes spilling out like a burst dam in danger of drowning whomever in its path.

So what am I suppose to do?

Someone once told me that being emotional is WOMEN'S greatest GIFT. Well sometimes I wish that I am not entitled to this gift because it sure hurts a lot. Even more so because it makes me need a person to be there for me.

I once had a person there for me but he is lost to me because of my jealousy, anger, envy, disappointments and frustrations. That one person made me feel that he understood my emotions and I thought that I can show him all of who I am.
At this point in time I feel CONFINED to a certain compartment of who I am. I am not whole and complete.
Sometimes it feels like a fairy tale when I am around him and everything is fine and beautiful. When we are apart I see the CRACKS in my heart and soul and I cry inside.

The problem lies within me.

I have WITHDRAWN my passion and I cannot bring myself to bond with him spirituality because I have lost part of myself and my faith in Love.
I am cowering in the shell of my heart fearful that if I let him inside again I will fall with no one to catch me.

maStuRbatioN

2005-03-19T07:05:00.000+08:00

People tend to associate this word with things that are embarrassing. But in your own private space, masturbation would be an act of pleasure for oneself would it not?

You know I had this thought, that maybe without masturbation, we would all go crazy. Given the fact that it would to a certain extend be embarrassing when caught in the midst of the execution but you do know that endomorphism are released into the brain whenever we orgasm. So if you think about it, people would probably be less stressful and in fact happier if they have orgasms at a regular basis.

Maybe in certain ways we are all so stressed up with living up to expectations with work, friends, lovers that masturbation would be a release sort of. The only time when you are pleasured and only your own contentment matter.

***Masturbating my brain cells***

LoVe & cheating

2005-03-17T05:34:00.000+08:00

Love is without boundaries so would gender be a limiting factor?
In a way I can’t imagine myself being with a woman because women are generally more emotional and I need someone to balance me and calm me down (ahah sort of like an excuse to throw a tantrum). I tried envisioning myself with a woman (emotionally not sexually) and I cannot see it. I just get the feeling that being with a woman would be sort of burdensome. I know I am not the world’s most rational person but really girls can be so petty at times.

(In case anyone is wondering no I am not talking about anyone in particular just a general group of girls)

Alright in a way I grew up disliking girls because they were the ones who ostracized me when I was in my primary school. The guys were more accepting and they weren’t as “sensitive” as girls. I don’t get it. At times it seems like women are their own worst enemy.

On a little kiddy trip to my childhood
I kinda skipped school when I was in primary 1 and ended up in a Chinese school. In a way it is sort of like a nightmare for me in the sense that I only had one friend and when that friend said she didn’t want to be friends anymore, girls didn’t talk to me so I ended up hanging out with the guys.
Well I got over that whole I hate girls thingy. The 2 closest friend with me are women (can’t say girls any more can I). the one thing I love about guy friends is the fact that you can yak all sort of crap or do stoopid stuff and it wouldn’t matter. Jackass whatever.
Psychoanalysis : Maybe it has to deal with my relationship with my mom.

Here is a question if your partner cheats on you would you blame the other person or your partner?
Most of my girl friends blames the other one person. I guess I would take precautions but I would be terribly disappointed and hurt by my partner after all my partner would be the one who succumb right? Would I punch the other person? I don’t know. In a way I think Ramon is the longest lasting relationship I have is the fact that he is the only guy who ever assured me that he wouldn’t cheat on me.

Why would people cheat on each other?
Theory : Boredom?
I think its mostly because they aren’t satisfied with the relationship or themselves…

Go figure.

2005-03-11T04:19:00.001+08:00

the finger

2005-03-11T04:14:00.000+08:00

the grumpy puppy and th esleepy kitten

What i have been up to

2005-02-26T04:55:00.000+08:00

It has been some time since I last wrote. There are some issues that I have been avoiding.

Still am in a way.

What i have been up to
I have been sorting out myself. You see I am plague by self doubt and insecurities. It would seem that most people have that problem too but as of yet I am too self involved to make myself readily available to those that needs a shoulder to cry on. At times I feel that I am stuck in a deep hole that I personally dug and lie down willingly. The worse thing is the I know my problem and I am unmotivated to fix it. I find that I at times I am unmotivated to do anything in life. Especially studies. I can blame it on the education system in Malaysia but in the end it still boils down to me. I don't make it interesting for myself.
I want things presented my way. I want it my way and that is my fault.

I would like to try my luck as a writer but since I am plague by this self destructive disease of being fearful, I find that what I am writing right now to be not who I really am. In a way I am practicing self censorship because there is a part of me that is afraid . I am afraid that if I open myself fully (even if I am sort of “anonymous”) it would make me vulnerable. Yes even in this obscure world of the Internet.

There has been many times when I told myself and my friends that to open up to another human being would mean that you are a stronger person as oppose to one who do not trust and forgive another. Yet right now I find it hard to open up. It is sad that fellow human beings are mistrustful of each other especially city folks. It is interesting to note that trust is earn and not freely given. What I find most distressing is that when a person who opens up to people with pure and good intentions are often envied and surrounded by malicious people. I have a theory on why this happens. My theory is that people who are good and at peace with themselves often induce the worse of the people who craves it.
Alright I am talking about one particular person and I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

eVeRythiNg iS About ME + my Miracle

2005-02-13T04:05:00.000+08:00

note : this is written in a some what confused state of mind which left me deranged. The end result seems to be in some form of poetry.

Poetry??Erm it claims not to be one.

Being - everything is about me

Got a weird feeling within me
And it is eating my insides.
I am choking on the bile.
Feels like I am being suffocated
I want to escape but I am tied down.

This is not poetry
But this is how I am feeling
Right now.
I am a frustrated individual
And this is my release.
Of some kind

I want to try new things
Held back by myself and fear.
I have stopped living on the edge.
The sound of rain calms me
As I try and find the words to express how I feel.

I am frustrated with myself
Then I get frustrated
With the people around me
And the World in general.
Than its back to me again.

Frustrated with myself
Because I feel lost and yet
At the same time swamped
With everything around me.
Everything is about me.

-THE END-

I miss the YA’s. I think going on long periods without theater makes me feel this way. Maybe its because in a way I need magic to fuel me.

I witness a couple of fashion shoots and I found myself fascinated.
I joined theater and I am hooked onto magic.

MIRACLES
I know people don’t believe in magic and miracles but maybe people just stop believing in it because it is all around us. In a way it is amazing that a seed can become a tree don’t you think so?
It’s the same with theater. I fell in love with theater because its like being on the edge of an explosion. You see everybody just pooling in all this raw energy which leads to the end of the line and there will be this massive explosion of energy that makes everyone smile with relief and yet there is a sadness that lingers on for the moment that can never be reclaimed. It’s the same feeling when I saw the fashion shoot albeit less intense as compared to theater. I guess in a way what fascinates me is creation itself. It doesn’t matter if I was a part of it or just witnessing it.

It is a miracle.

That is what inspires me.

That is what fuels me.

what Is ThiS all About? iRoNy, HeartAcheS and ShuttiNg Up

2005-02-08T01:48:00.000+08:00

Had a fight 2 days in a row. Yesterday I had issues with my sister and the day before it was with Ramon and my emotions. So which should I start on?
I guess the fights had to do with me as a person. When I fought with Ramon I wanted something from him and with my sister she wanted something from me.

BackGround Check
Before I go on, I should inform you that I don’t have a really good relationship with my mom. Moms are suppose to be supportive and look out for you. Well in a way my mom do too it just didn't come across to me that way during my teenage years and it carried forward. My mom has the typical Asian view that kids will always need guidance (I guess it holds true for all moms in general regardless of race and culture) and its not a bad thing. However I think there is a vast difference between dispensing advice and expecting a person to follow your “advice”, because in the end don’t we owe it to ourselves to live our own lives. If I made a mistake in my life, it's my mistake and there is no one to blame but myself. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway, making mistakes and learning from in. Growing from it.

Well anyway back to headaches and heartaches I guess it is pretty obvious that being with a stubborn mule like me means that the general atmosphere in my family isn’t all that pleasant all the time but I think we had our moments. My family isn’t the type of family who is expressive with emotions other than anger and reprimanding/nagging each other but still no family is perfect right :) Things could be worse and at least we all love each other no matter how much we argue. Ahh hormones kicking in (Ok I am making excuses again) ...

The fight with Ramon
In short (because it involves someone else other than myself) I had trouble communicating with him. I know that communication is important but sometimes it is so exasperating to be talking to someone who is overly detailed and can’t handle emotions. I agree that talking when you are overly emotionally isn’t all that good but sometimes when I am really frustrated or upset I don’t know what to do. Admittedly that I find it hard to seek solace in another and it comes out as me being angry so I probably deserve it but I feel so alone. I think I’ve always felt alone its just that when you had someone who was there for you even for the briefest of moment, you become painfully aware of how cold and empty and it leaves a void within that needs to be filled.

(Gosh this sounds needy)

Yes I think that is just my problem. Afraid of sounding needy. Afraid (or is it too stubborn?) of asking for help.
What I realize from the fight with Ramon is that to communicate is a 2 way thing. I can’t just try and tune in to his brain all the time. He got to meet me halfway. We both got to meet each other halfway. Having communication problems with Ramon made me realize that to understand what other people is trying to tell me, I got to tune in to them and meet them halfway too. I guess I have been stubborn and always telling myself that other people aren’t in the same wave length as me blabla and that is valid enough for me then to just shove them aside. Which on the side note make me lose out in getting in touch with people and ideas.

(Hmm food for thought…)

The fight with sis.
It’s about mom. I realize yesterday that I was so bitter. Bitter that my mom wasn’t the mom all nice like in the story books etc and she is probably bitter that I wasn’t the perfect daughter (which I find really hilarious at this moment because of the irony in it) You see I have in a way always felt that my mom didn’t except me for who I am and I hated it. Well I am laughing (mentally la) as I write this because I got a taste of my own medicine and I didn’t realize this until now. *Sigh*(Happy sigh). I guess what my sister wants is for everyone to get along though she didn’t say anything when I asked her and I am going to try my best to withhold my tongue. As I told Ramon, there is a time for questions and a time to shut up

Its time for me to Shut Up

This is what I wrote earlier

2005-02-03T02:32:00.000+08:00

I believe that …

… God is every where.
…. Love is God and God is Love
… to appreciate God we just have to look around at Nature
…people who claims that their religion is right is astray
…organized religion is just there to guide mankind and is not a necessity
…religion is pure and what corrupts it is mankind
… the belief in God is good enough
… a person who questions God is on to path to finding God
… to search for God it is not the destination that matter but the journey itself

I admire…
the person who has found God because he seems to be at peace with himself and the world around him.

I am still searching for something. Is it God? I do not know. There are some who would say that I am lost. Yes I am lost but I would like to find the way out myself

Why do we need God?
Maybe we need God because it gives us an assurance that what we do matters and there is some form of retribution. Maybe we believe in God even though it can’t be proven because we need Hope.

On the Issue of God

2005-02-03T01:15:00.000+08:00

Before reading on do take note that I don’t subscribe to a particular religion but my ideas and ideals lean more towards Tibetan Buddhism.

God
I think that there is a piece of God in every one of us and everyone is capable of experiencing God. To me God is Love and every time we Love someone selflessly we are closer to God. I think that is what I am searching for. Love. Do take note that the Love that I am searching for does not come from a person. Maybe its idea that Love can make the world a better place because when we Love people would have more faith in each other. With Love maybe people would try and understand each other instead of trying to hurt one another. For me the belief in God is good enough. I choose not to subscribe to one particular religion because I saw hypocrisy in the people who claimed that they were good.

The path to hell is paved with good intentions

I really get annoyed by strangers who preach to me about God. What makes them think that their views are right? After all right and wrong is rather subjective isn't it? I think that everyone has their own version of what or how God is like. God is a personal thing, thank you very much.

Religion is something pure that got corrupted by the doings of man. I have friends who lost faith in their religion because they see hypocrisy and some its because they need to through the journey of finding God.
I think a person who questions is on the path to finding God. People who can’t take questions about their religion or faith makes me think that they are insecure and follow with no direction.

Heaven and Hell
This is our heaven or hell. Ever wonder why is it that someone who seemed to have nothing still seem contented. I have met a person who has found God and he was at peace with himself. To me he was the richest person ever for he had something that even money couldn’t buy.
Hell is a sort of trapping of the mind. A person who has his own demons to deal with.

Naz came and asked me what I was doing. Got embarrassed and closed up

- THE END -

post-GRuMps and DReaMS

2005-01-20T17:53:00.000+08:00

Ever had one of those days where you wake up and everything seems just wrong? Ever had someone who can make that nasty cloud above your head just poof (sound effects) disappear? Well the bad day was yesterday but the great thing is that I’ve got someone who can make the grumpiness disappear (although the grumpy side of me complains about the freedom of expression)

Today is post grumpy day and the whole of last night all I did was sit in front of the PC and watch movie after movie not wanting to talk to anyone because everyone annoys the hell out of me. Maybe it’s an anti-social hormone kicking in (and I swear its not my period)

Was going to write about this TV series called Joan of Arcadia but I really don’t know what I am trying to say. All I know is that I am a little fixated with this idea. The idea that when a person dies, that person leaves ripples. The ripples could be good or bad.

This leads to the issue of death. My dad always said that we shouldn’t be afraid of death and yet when I saw a corpse (covered) I recoil from it.

“The brave dies but only once and the coward die a thousand deaths”

I really don’t know if I really am afraid to die. I guess the only way I can really know is when I go out into the battlefield.

When I read Neil Gaiman’s Sandman graphic novel, he made death look like a cool goth chick. I admit that I have always been fascinated by the idea of the Dreaming because it lets me escape from the routines of everyday life. There was a period of my life when I really hated my life that I’d rather choose to sleep my day away because at least in dreams things are way more interesting and at times they seem so real. There were times where I wake up crying when I was crying in a dream. Interesting how dreams can cause a reaction in the waking world too huh?

Here is a weird dream I had when I was really young.

Wyrd DReaM
My sister and I was chasing after our mom who was drunk. After sometime we lost her and we search all over for her. When we were close to giving up, mom appeared and apologize for her behavior she wanted to go home with us together. We were waiting at a bus stop and when the bus arrived it was full of spirits and ghost only mom can’t see it. I was telling her that we shouldn’t go on the bus because I see all these ghost. Mom being mom insisted that there wasn’t anything strange with the bus and went up but I stayed behind. Well the search begins again and along the way I lost my sis and I was frustrated and irritated. At one point I realize it’s a dream and wanted to wake myself up but I couldn’t. I don’t know what logic came to me in the dream but I figured that when we get dreams of being chased by monsters we never see these monster because we get eaten and ‘die’ in the dream. When we ‘die’ in the dream we wake up. With that conclusion in mind I decided to kill myself in the dream. I could feel my life fading away when I heard mom calling to me asking me not to ‘die’ and that she found my sis too. My last thought then was :”Oh when people about t o die then you come”

It still cracks me up whenever I think of this dream.

Any Sigmund Freud wannabe who want to do a psycho analysis on me based on this dream is more than welcome to…it’ll perk up my day.*SIGH*

goth Chick Death FRoM GaiMaN'S SandMan SeRieS

postiNG

2005-01-18T04:46:00.000+08:00

egomanic
Tue, Jan 18 2005 04:19:56
An egomaniac wondering how fares her blog. So visit http://weedflower.blogspot.com and email her on her horrendous use of English and eccentric style of writing.(No spelling mistakes thanks to spell checks)Honestly just a wannabe writer and hoping for comments to improve from the general public. To all you mudslingers and critics…shoot me.(eheh its not that fun when someone is a willing target huh)

posted by weedflower weedflower@gmail.com, http://weedflower.blogspot.com

Posted a message on a notice board on http://www.kakiseni.com/notices and this is a little odd but I am actually feeling a little embarrassed by it right now. I guess I don’t really have the makings of an egomaniac. I guess I am feeling slightly jittery because this is sort of the first time I am making this blog public. In all honesty I think I just feel a little exposed. I am not too worried about strangers but I guess I always had the thought that if people have information about me, that will make me more vulnerable. After all knowledge is power.

Right I think I shouldn’t worry my brains out and get some sleep. After all I got 2 cousins to attend to in the morning…someone pass me my coffee please.

Goodnite world

p/s praying hard that there aren't any junk mail or spam …Grrr

2 couSINS & QUESTionS on marriage/virginity

2005-01-18T03:14:00.000+08:00

The cousinS
Imagine two girls from Australia one aged 13 and the other 11 running around giggling and laughing like little pixies. Well that’s Jennifer and Samantha for you. These little half Chinese half Jewish cousins of mine are on a visit to my grandma’s place in Sitiawan. KL is just a pit stop for now and my are they cheeky.

Anyway little 11 year old Samantha asked me if I was a virgin (naughty and curious little girl). Well naturally being a boring adult I evaded the question by asking a question back and I didn’t say I was but she was skeptical.

Booring QUESTionS
Well that got me wondering how old is old enough to know about the birds and the bees? And while we are on the subject should one really wait for oneself to be married before popping the cherry?

Jennifer aged 13 implied that she thinks that it isn’t that important for boys to keep their virginity and this question keep coming up. Why should boys have the freedom or at least the leeway to go around romping about whereas if a woman slash girl does the same thing, she is subjected to name calling like slut, the village bicycle etc. My mom advised me to have some dignity and wait until marriage comes knocking on the door. Well isn’t love enough? Do we actually need a piece of paper to prove to the world that two people love each other? I guess the most important question we all need to ask is do we actually want to be in the dark of things during the night of matrimony?

Now I am not taking marriage lightly nor am I am I advocating the idea of randomly propagating mankind, it’s just that I truly believe that making love to someone you love is one of the most beautiful actions ever imaginable and it teaches a person to learn to give and receive pleasure. Its sad that sometimes because of the idea of keeping oneself pure there are women (not too sure about men) who would never enjoy the pleasures of love and even fear the act itself.

I think there is dignity in making love to someone you want to be with for the phase in life you are in because honestly we aren’t clairvoyants and we really don’t know what the future holds. Look at the rising divorce rates. Won’t it be ironic if people are actually getting married because they just want to get fucked?

What about couples who can never tie the knot because of prejudices from society or family? What if I have to surrender my faith in my God because of marriage and I don’t think it is right because marriage and our connection to God in whatever form are not to be taken lightly? What do I do then? I don’t think that being in the same religion is a prerequisite for marriage because if marriage is a sort of declaration of love then why should there be any criteria other than the fact that two people love each other enough to be subjected to each other’s nastiest and annoying habits as well as to be exposed to yoyo feelings of vulnerability especially when you let someone else into the inner realms of your life.

What about the people who marry because of economic reasons?...

Time to C the Future
Right enough questions because it will just go on and on and I’ll never get this done. Its time for homework and calculating the future value and present value of cold hard cash with my crystal ball of formulas
FVn = PMT * (1+ i)t

!@##$%$^

Over and out…beeeeeeeeep

dumb people

2005-01-05T23:19:00.000+08:00

GAwd the Worlds I over. I don't think i need any more drama.

Working with people can be so draining.

Lesson for Directors/upper management etc

1. If upper Management is screwed the rest are in for hell. (guess who gets the blame)
2. Don't panic if things don't go your way or plans change
3. Don't call people useless if all you do is just spew negativity and offer 0 solutions
4. Don't push your responsibilities to someone else or at least if that person screws up its your fault case you didn't show any planning or direction either.
5. Don't treat workers like slaves. RESPECT goes a long way

Right people didn't piss on me or anything like that but its still not right the way management works.This coming from a person who says she doesn't want to work for dumb wankers.

OK OK i am full of negativity now.Stress is not my favourite word. HAPPY NEw Year and Merry Christmas.

New year spent serving drinks so yea i made a lot of people happy :)

my take on olivia - rip from youth.arm blog

2004-12-25T18:13:00.000+08:00

Ripped off from my entry at the youth.arm blog. Busy with WorldsMMU

ok i can't make any vote on the issue of olivia because i have just heard from one side of the story.

What is stated below is not a represenation of what Olivia.
Disclaimer : Opinions below is solely my take on this issue

Just to clarify things if any of you feel that olivia came to the last session to spite you guys than all i can say is NO.
Why?Coz in actual fact she didn't wanna come to the session and I asked her to come. Maybe even hassle cause well i dunno when to shut up...but it worked muahhahah.(Persistance pays yea.)

Back to the issue.We were suppose to go to a rock concert together and when she decided to stay instead of following me to the concert, I was pleasantly surprise because to me it meant that she really wanted to be part of the group and it wasn't just me psycho-ing her by repeating COme come COME. In actual fact she wanted to quit the group (fact) because she got fired and she was embarassed (sort of fact)...go ask her if you really wanna know how she feels because i am not her (no guarentee she will tell though)

I highly doubt she came to spite us all and in my opinion all she wanted was acceptance from us. If you wanna say she is fucked up then well i dunno coz everyone's fucked up in thier weird way.Look at me (yea a call for attention to meself).If she was rude well what can i say, people can get extra defensive when they feel theaten won't you. IF you guys are voting her out because you think that her behaviour was inappropriate for not joining in then well erm from her i got the impression that she felt unsure and was just waiting for the time when she feels comfortable before joining us because at that time in my opinion she probaly didn't really feel like she was a part of the group.

All i am asking from everyone within the group is to try and see things from Sum's point of view as well as Olivia's and then make a decision. I don't know what happen after i left and i had only feedback from Teresa and olivia.
Admitedly everyone wants something and i guess sometimes its hard to ask for help because no one wants to seem weak hell i should know. What sort of "safe" space is YA's going to be when conflicts between people aren't resolved? I still remember a very drunk and extremely talkative Ariff telling me that there can never be a production with no conflict and yea i was pissed off for a while (but not any more la) because well yea I like things going smoothly because it makes my life easier etc etc (Note to myself:must get everyone drunk together one day)

this isn't a post to ask you guys to side me etc but i really do NOt agree to the fact that when olivia's service with vtc was terminated she was kicked out from the YA's blog too. to me it seemed that she was kicked out of YA's and left with no avenue to state her take on what happen. Grossly unfair (alright alright i am not trying to be an activist or start striping naked and go Save the whales blabalbal) I also do not think that we can all make a fair judgement to vote on the issue of Olivia when we are only presented with one side of the story.

Right talked enough and i am grumpy. Sorry people but you problay see me getting grumpy when you hang out with me everyday (once a week is just not enough). If i say anything offensive i apologize but do tell me because i am a blur person and don't know when to shut up...sometimes i think

Ok its back to mom and her cooking and the MMUWorlds which is causing me to not poo due to stress (yea i know everyone got stress in thier lives but this is my post so its about me ME muahahhahah).

ohh by the way do come and check out the debates.check it out at
www.mmuworlds2005.com
Come and check out the Worlds biggest big mouths.Can't guarentee that they will be as entertaining as me (at least i hope i am entertaining I know i entertain myself...some how sounds so wrong). Erm if any of you turn up for the social then i got to say sorry but you guys aren't allowed in due to security reasons. Yea thats the time where i will be getting sloshed again (dun you guys just hate me) because there is going to be a free flow of beers and liquor.*SIGH* And there is a lot of it.*Multiple SIGHS* (yea it be great if its orgasms which i will hopefully get soon. the best stress buster...that is if you don't have to work for it in return :P)

HAllmark moment
Ok i said i would shut up but i didn't. Will shut up now after the little note at the bottom. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.Forgive and forget and accept one another warts and all.

p/s inappropriate language /spelling mistake/unexplainable verbal diahrrea(how do you spell that)/abusive language/me being big headed, i blame it solely on the fact that i had a total of 10 hours of sleep for the past 1 week and me having a massive ego as well as a big head. Spelling errors due to me not using Words and spell check ehehe.Yeah its excuses :P

I proof read this post :P me is show off

ME : Over and out.
people reading this : Finally

What In the World Happen To You?

2004-12-16T02:25:00.000+08:00

Shite I found out that Ollie got terminated (No she didn’t disintegrate) and there is a high chance that she isn’t coming back to the YA’s project any more. I don’t know why I am so upset I mean I hardly know her and yet I guess I do. She always seem rather reserve the few times I met her and I guess in a way I kinda know how she is like through her blog. I don’t think she really want to leave the YA’s and I don’t want her to leave either. I just think that if any one of us start leaving for good than there will be nothing to stop me or any other persons from leaving when the going gets tough. Argh I really can’t believe this is happening. There goes the continuation of the Philippines. Can’t believe that missing 1 week of YA’s can be so disastrous.

iNtRoducing - Luigi

2004-12-15T03:00:00.000+08:00

Cast
Praba (M) – Coach
Logan (M) – Chief Adjudicator
Me (Femme) – Jungle
Gin (M) – My debating teammate
Pam (Femme) – MMU 1
Licky (M) – Short for Way To Lick

Location : Philippines , Luigi’s Place

Reason : Debating competition and Promote Worlds MMU

Like in every society there are always the rich and the poor. Yet in Manila I see children running around begging on the streets.

Day 1 - Friday

OMG!!!Beer and death sticks are freaking cheap here. The gang + our host for today, Luigi drank and smoke atthe Shell petrol station. Lets pray hard that the death sticks do not cause an explosion. The Malaysians were pretty surprise that sunset happens at 6pm
Night: Got a fabulous dinner compliments from the De La Salle University (DLSU) people. Noticed that every restaurant that we went to had security guards. Later the gang head up to the pub. We found this really great pub that played 80’s music and the gang got smashed. The night ended with Praba, Logan ,Pam and Me staying over at Luigi’s place where as the rest of them were shipped off to Miguel’s place.

Day 2 – Saturday

I never was much of a morning person. We had breakfast with Luigi’s parents. I always knew I wasn’t into all these prim and proper stuff. I feel so tense. Breakfast was bacon, corned beef, cheese…nevermind I was never much of a breakfast person either and I had cereals without milk and 1 banana. Luigi’s mom is really nice.
Later on its off to debates. Considering the fact that Logan was the CA, well the debates can’t start until he gets there. Today is the day where I noticed what a contrast Manila is.
I didn’t do too well in the debates today mainly because I didn’t keep my head on plus the fact that I didn’t feel too confident about myself. I guess I should read up on current events but at times it does make me frustrated because there are so many things wrong in this world and there isn’t anything that I can do about it.
Night: We went over to Joel’s place to drink some more. Tried Tequila Rose and it taste like strawberry yogurt drink with a dash of alcohol. I like sweet liquor yum. I was a bit grumpy today because Gin and I didn’t make the break. We got 4 points out of 12 and I was really grumpy. That and the fact that I didn’t know where I was going to sleep for the night because Luigi got Pam’s and my bags in the car. I guess I couldn’t really blame him because he was only expecting Logan to stay over with him. We ended up sleeping at the same place again

Day 3 – Sunday

Woa I am pretty dazed most of the time. I think all the alcohol and ciggies is starting to take its toll on me. I seem to be either making up stuff or hearing people’s thoughts. Yea I know it doesn’t make sense but everything is so surreal. Today is the day where there was a certain guy who made remarks to a girl and she ended up getting upset. The thing is she asked for help from me but I didn’t know if what the guy said was true. Anyway there was a point where I felt that it went too far and it was derogatory to women in general and that got me pissed. The girl who is a Pilipino was upset coz the guy implied that they both had sex. Well she didn’t do anything with him and I guess she was in a fix because she couldn’t really defend herself. She said the last time that she “answered back” to the (same) guy she got reprimanded by the head. I guess its hard for me to explain this whole culture thing to a Caucasian guy. The rest of the day just got me in a weird mood. I didn’t really wanted to talk to anyone and I just felt grumpy the whole time.
Night : Yeap you guessed it drank some more. We went back to the same bar that we went to the first night but blardi hell this time they upped the price. We ended up holing in another bar.
Next thing I knew Joel (Luigi’s buddy) was saying that we be sleeping at his place tonight. At that point I didn’t really care anymore and I was irritated and frustrated because I was tired of feeling unsure of where I will be spending the night. Later I found out that Pam told Joel that it would be better if we just stick to the place. After all it would be our last night there. Well anyway we followed Joel back to his house and Luigi met us up. I was just wondering if I could drive his car and I just voiced it out jokingly and he actually let me drive it. Honestly I am touched and honored that he trusted me with his car. Still I got to admit it was pretty fun considering the fact that in Malaysia we drive on the right side of the road and they drive on the left side (or issit the other way round?) Found out that our host is a pretty good piano player too.
Went swim in the pool even though it is super chilly because I needed to de-stress.

Day 4 – Monday

Ahh… It feels like a Sunday morning. I feel so lazy. I was up pretty early because his mom came into the room and used the Internet. I ate breakfast and decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. The area is really nice and lovely though I did feel a little odd because people were looking and I didn’t really know how to react.
Logan had a cut on his knee and Luigi took him to the clinic. Pam followed along. The clinic was within his village (neighborhood) and we were supposed to play basketball but the court was occupied by badminton players and the doctor was out so its back to the house again. On the way back he offered to let me drive around his village and we went to another area where there were all these really huge mansions. I think most of the time I wasn’t really concentrating on the road cause I was looking at the houses. There was a cake house which isn’t much to see actually. I found the houses with Spanish influence pretty fascinating and there was a Californian house with a beach theme to it. I just drove around aimlessly and it was fun though this is the time when I feel I should be seated at the passenger street. I was looking for the ‘White House’ and Luigi directed the way. I think wao is the most overused word uttered by me for the day. It seems like Luigi is in a pretty good mood today until lunch time.

The gang stayed over at Luigi’s place last night. Everyone that is except Licky. Things were pretty tense at this point because it was close to 2:30 and Joel haven’t arrived yet. Logan was suppose to give a seminar or something like that and he was going to be late. When Joel arrived, he mentions something about some case presentation and that was when Luigi got pretty tense.
I don’t know why but I feel sad when I find out that people take weed to relax.

Met Willy who is Praba’s friend/ ex debating mate.
Had dinner and then its off to Greenhill for some shopping. We arrived pretty late and the stalls were starting to close. The interesting bit was when we all met up at the arcade call Time zone. I had a go at air hockey and I sucked but later on I ruled muahhahaha. I didn’t tell them that me and Wei Ling used to spend all our time at Intensity (arcade in 1 Utama) playing air hockey so I practically grew up with this. It really felt like high school again and it is really funny at times especially when the puck flies of the table. Had a go at Bishi Bashi which is another silly game that Wei Ling and I used to play. Other than that there was Daytona, Time Crisis 2 and House of the Dead. Sigh

Had my first taste of Zombie and it is good Slurp!!!

philiPiNeS

2004-12-13T04:14:00.000+08:00

Right people. It may seem that I have forgotten about you guys but the truth is right now I am in the Philippines. You have to forgive me right now because honestly I am smashed.Actually i am still surprise that i can spell/type this at this moment ahhahaha (find its a private joke)
I think i fell in love with this country.The moment was when i entered the cathedrel in Intramorous, Manila. Just in case you are wondering I am a free thinker/Agnostic. I believe there is a God but i don't suscribe to one particular belief/religion.Anyway back to Intramorous. I think that place is just absolutely beautiful. I have this facination for old buildings and Intramorous is filled with it.....
will continue the next time when i don't feel sleepy and dizzy eheheheh
Just to tell you guys (maybe myslef) that i am in the Philippines

Summary of the week - Mon - ThurS

2004-11-28T01:17:00.000+08:00

Monday & Tuesday

Its been a Long week. There were exams on Monday and Tuesday (that cost me to gigantic red zits one on each side of my cheeks) and then there was the YA’s evaluation on Saturday ohh and on Friday I had a workshop with Rohaizad Suaidi…argh yes yes as you can see I am used to a stress free life. And to cap it off today. Today there is a tryouts for the debates in Manila which is happening on the 3rd of December to 13th. Phew long week.

The EX-ams.

Well it’s the end of the week and I don’t really want to relive it but well basically I had only 2 papers. Monday’s morning paper is Media History (Hmm seems like so long ago). I think I did pretty OK for that though there was 1 out 3 essay question which got me stumped…(or was that the econ’s paper?) Well Tuesday was the screwed up one. I got over confident and didn’t study for it ‘til 3 hours before. Argh. I remember regretting not studying when I stoned at the essay Question for the Microeconomics paper but ahh well whatever.

Wednesday

Free day lala-ing about and grumping over the giant spots.
bLogging blogging blogging (Sing along to “rolling rolling rolling” song)

Thursday

Ahh the script. Got to met up with Des to give her the shirt. Suppose to meet her at 2pm but well the rubber time got to me and I was 1 hour late (Hey I told her at 1.30pm that I was going to be late). Man she is stressed but she really like the shirt. Had lunch at 3:30pm ++ , fagged and she went back to the office.
I met up with Des again later in the night but it was just a brief thing because I had to met Idora and Teresa in KLCC. It was rather fn. We chit chat at first and brainstormed about where the scene would take place. The entire process would just take too long to go into detail but we ended up with a scene where I was character number 3 who is a man looking for a night out. Character 2 is a prostitute and character 1 is a boutique owner.

Friday

Got to get to the workshop at British Council. I got back from the meet up with Idora and Teresa at about 5 or 6 am but I got to wake up at 12pm cause I got to move my stuff out of the hostel. Shite. I am the queen of grumps today. Stressed and the lack of sleep makes me a bitch. Up and down I went carrying bags of books, clothes … then when over to Ramon’s place and well I was edgy and grumpy. Meet mom at the LRT station at 6pm+ cause of a massive traffic jam and got to the workshop 5 minutes late but thankfully it haven’t started.

The Workshop

It really wasn’t what I was expecting. Its really the highlight of my day. The facilitator Rohaizad was the person who thought up of this play called OP’s Ophelia – A Fashion Opera. It was interesting to note that no one participant of this workshop has seen the play.
I expected a lot more physical movement in the workshop but thankfully it was him telling us how he began the process of getting the idea for his play OP’s Ophelia.

Act 1 - Hamlet is a play that intrigued him
Act 2 - Ophelia draws Rohaizad to her watery sad bosom.
Act 3 – Discovering the many faces of Ophelia
Act 4 – Rohaizad loves fashion and opera

Act 1 + Act 2 + Act 3 + Act 4 became Op’s Ophelia

Homework – FIND YOUR OPhelia.

Step 1 – Identifying Your Hamlet
Hamlet could be a book that inspired you or like me Greek and Viking mythology have always been a fascinating subject for me

Step 2 - Identifying Your Ophelia
- will be filled in when I have don it

Step 3 – Knowing more about your subject of Facination
Research

Meeting Up with Idora and Teresa (Part II)
Venue : Bangsar
Time : 11pm
Objective : rehearse play and brainstorm another piece (heavy)

Result :
1. I was checking out women after I left Ramon and I got a bit freaked out but it added to my “manliness”

2. Heavy dark piece was about Death. 3 friends at a memorial and Character 1 gets emotional crying outburst. Character 2 (Idora) is the mediator. Character 3 has a bf (bitch fit) towards the end.

End : 6am

we are ALL children of the universe

2004-11-25T13:46:00.000+08:00

There are some narrow minded Malaysian-Chinese…

… who thinks that being fair is the epitome of beauty.
… who would only date some one who has fair skin.
… who thinks that people who have darker skin are beneath them.

… who thinks that money = happiness
(what a sad lot)
… who thinks being as thin as a celery is sexy
(stick insects)

- add on when I can think of more -

On behalf of these people I say SORRY

' What we got to remember is that we are ALL children of the universe.
No more no less than the trees and the sun and the moon. '

This makes me try and remember to eradicate the below from my life and thoughts
Racism, misconceptions, biasness, ignorance, arrogance and FEAR

damn it is hard

Verdict - Guilty

2004-11-25T06:50:00.000+08:00

ZZZ Land

The Z’s took hold of me right after I posted the blog yesterday and I got up at 9pm to wish Des happy birthday. My plans for a mini party at Des’es place is out the window.

Angela's Ashes

I have just gone through a quarter of the book and it really made me sad and a bit pissed off.

There was a part where this boy kept asking questions to his dad and his dad kept replying “you’ll understand when you get older”. Well that got me thinking, maybe that is why when we were young we all wanted to be older, because kids assume that the mysteries of the world would unfold when ‘we get older’. Then we get older and find that we still don’t know all the answers you had as a kid and to top it all we have less fun. Really sad.

The Case

Was having a discussion with Ramon just now and I realize that I am super sensitive to this whole Asian-Western thing.

Accusation

I am overly sensitive to comments about Asians/Asia especially if subject is comparing with the West.

Plausible Reasons

Defensive because Malaysians have a habit of complaining about Malaysia and constantly thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.
SPG who sees Caucasian men as a knight with big fat wallets and take them away to la-la land where everything is purr-fect.
Sadly this is what my ex-roomie thinks and I had a friend who thinks that.
(We didn’t fall out because of that)
Misconceptions that I had about Western men that is embarrassing for me to state here.

Verdict - Guilty

It's Des's B.DaY anD I am Alive oN the Net AgaiN (PaRt 2)

2004-11-24T11:32:00.000+08:00

Well I didn’t go swimming. I just killed time surfing the Net. I am not too happy about the pink smudge but there is nothing I can do get rid of it. Put too much water on the cotton bud. I hope she likes this. What do you think?

Shite can’t find the battery charger…I need sleep. Its 12.20pm now. Didn’t sleep the entire night…I searched every where but I still can’t remember where I chucked the charger.

No Charger = No Pics tonight

It's Des's B.DaY anD I am Alive oN the Net AgaiN

2004-11-24T08:53:00.000+08:00

Exams are over and the Internet is having a tiff with me but no worries cause we are OK now and I am back online. Shh!!! I think it feels neglected because I have been having a fling with this game called Sacred. Wink Wink.

I just posted the session on the YA’s. YA stand for youth.arm. I really don’t know what to call it. Is it a coalition? Well maybe but I guess I would like to see it as a gathering of youth’s in Klang Valley who are passionate about theater. YA that’s what it is.

What have I been doing the entire day other than try to get on the Net? Well today is Des’es Birthday and I’m planning to give her a Money-Cannot-Buy, One-Of-A-Kind tee. Why I say that is cause yesterday I went to the mall and got her a plain white top and money can’t buy it cause I modified the shirt. How you say? Well simple really. With my sturdy hands, access to the Internet and nifty pens…drum roll please… I drew on it. Hey I am pretty proud of it you know.

Humble Pie me : Ohh forgive me for being proud for I have not slept for days
Miss Boastful me : No…No need for forgiveness after all why deny the Truth.

I’ll make her wear it when I see her tonight and take a pic..ehehe. Anyway here is a picture of the fish I got off the Net to draw on her B.day shirt. Its 8.16 am now and I am waiting for the shops to open so I can get some colored pens for the flowers. Hmm…maybe I should go swimming. Ahh dunno la, I’ll probably drown anyway. Will continue to blog when the shops are open and I finish the shirt.

YA’s SeSSioN - MiNd BloweD TWice

2004-11-24T03:35:00.000+08:00

I got to Desa Petaling early Hooray!!! I got stuck waiting for roti canai…I am late again :(

Warm Ups

Warm ups for today were pretty fun in a way. There was a certain set that made racy thoughts running in my head…eheh (pervy look here).

Recipe for “Palm Circle Garden”.
First get a bunch of nutters like the YA’s, then get everyone in a circle (holding hands should suffice). After doing exercises that makes everyone giggle, ensure everyone is in a circle and then get the people to place thier palms with the persons next to them. Now push and then get every1 to lean forward. Repeat steps.

Its pretty cool because I felt this force pushing from my rights side but the energy level from my left was so limp. Total contrast.

Nitty Gritty.

Today’s session was an eye opener for me. We had to this little sketch in 3 variations. I found out today that arms flying around is my signature. As for me having a lack of focus I guessed I kinda knew that. There was one scene where I really felt like someone else…but that lasted for a few seconds before I was back to myself again. It is kind of frustrating for me because I slip into character easily the first time around, and then when I lose focus I don't know how to get back to it. I wish someone would tell me. Are you that person?

Moving on I really like Azhar and Teresa performance. The plot was a real twister. Super cun and awe inspiring. Got me on the edge.

Towards the end we all sat around to for therapy. This 'lets talk about stuf' thingy really helps develop the finer details of acting, plus its really nice that people open up and help each other out by offering advice on how to solve ones problems. I really think that at the end of each meet up we should do this sharing bit because then no one goes home with questions or doubts in their heads. In the long term I think that this activity could help us avoid major problems later on especially if one party is not satisfied.

Lepak SessioN – PerFoRMaNce by Micheal

I’m in love…with his singing that is. Some of his songs made me feel a little sad by it was really mind blowing. I mean this is the guy who have the energy of ,quote ‘ a puppy’ but when he sings its like that is who he really is. Its so honest. I really like this song which he call Star. He said it was a cheesy title for the song but I really think that it suits it. Maybe it’s the atmosphere or maybe it’s the company but it really made my day.

Getting my mind blowed twice in a day ;) What more can a person ask …ahh the sigh of satisfaction

What I learnt + What I did

2004-11-20T07:00:00.000+08:00

What I learnt today

1: The symbol of a woman is also a symbol of Venus. Apparently I just got to imagine a handheld mirror
2: The symbol of a man is also the symbol for Mars

…Ohh so that is why they call the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Doh…

What I did

- Minor Changes to blog + Friendster (ole skool crush)

Well I did some minor changes my blog, though it took me the whole night to figure out what was what. I tried using NetStat but it was a bit of a failure cause the counter just won't appear. Anyway surf around the net and got a much nicer one…hmph.

I was just going through friendster and I came across (well ok more like searching) this guy I had a crush on in high school. Honestly I swear I won’t remember him other than the fact that on some weird occasion on a dare I kinda blurted out that I liked him . I still get embarrassed thinking about it…in a funny way. I can’t imagine myself doing that now.

Ahh when we were young and silly.

Right when I was in high school I thought I knew everything. I kinda hated the people who thought that they were happening and stuff. I think in a way I was afraid of them. I always have this notion that being popular (as in soap opera/drama popular) means you don’t really have real friends. It’s probably just me watching too much teen flicks or maybe I just can’t stand the girls.
**Sigh** High school is such a long time ago but it was fun. Sure, sure I had a few bitchy moments and yea I had my heart broken when my frst "best" friend left me for another but its all part and parcel getting into the real world.

Facts about high skool Crush

Fact 1 : I hardly (it was more like never) spoken to him
Fact 2 : I had a crush on him because my mate tried this weird experiment on me to test out some mad theory of hers
Fact 3 : Weird experiment led me to having a crush on him from 14 til ….17?18?
Fact 4 : (from his frienster) Apparently this guy is some super stock market player and he wants to met a girl who is kinda of a girl next door.

(What issit with guys and girls next door? Ok its probably because I had bad experiences with girls next doors.. mumble mumble ... manipulating, conniving, oo popular …mumble some more... find I am probably just jealous mumble til you stop reading this)

hYpeR and oN CiggieS

2004-11-17T05:33:00.000+08:00

Ahh feeling very hyper right now. Feel like yikkity yak yak. Me is having a ciggy now and it is glorious. I think the relationship I am having with ciggies is like being stuck in the bad boy (or bad girl) syndrome. You know it’s bad for you but god dammit it feels sooo good. Yes, yes I have been in denial that I even had a relationship with cigarettes, but well my denied brain has started to come up with good stuff about smoking. So far I have only one but it’s a damn good one. Here it is.

Ciggies are good for your emotional health. Why I say that? Well its way better than seeing a psychiatrist and a hell lot cheaper too. Ciggies beats telling people about how you feel and then realizing that they aren’t even listening or worst start telling you how much worst they had it before you even get to the main part and you end up having to listen to THIER problems. (Paused to watch “The Exorcist”) All you got to do to make your worries go away is to inhale and exhale. For the visually stimulated like me, when I exhale, I imagine all my worries flying up in the sky and disappearing with the smoke.

(... transition to Incident begins)

I like smoke.

Actually I like fires more. Fires kind of have this mesmerizing quality about them. The way the flames lick of whatever it is feeding and everything just disappears.

Which reminds me of this incident.

(transition to Incident ends ...)

Incident...

I did something which I think is weird 2 years back. I went up to Genting with a mate and I let him read my journal and then we both burnt it. I don’t really know why I did it. I mean that was the journal that I had to write when I did theater in MMU and everything I wrote in it was 100% me. It wasn’t one of those journals where I practiced censorship and stuff like that. It was a beginning in a way. I guess I just thought it was symbolic. Something like a toast to myself for starting on a new life and traveling a road less traveled.

You see before that I was stuck in limbo. I was in a place I hated and I felt myself getting more withdrawn and depress. I found dreaming more exciting than the humdrum of daily life. I was a ship floating out in the sea with no destination. I didn’t have a goal in life, I didn’t know what I love and I didn’t have a passion for anything. Even in high school. Sure I had crushes and I played basketball but I didn’t feel alive and excited. I still get bouts of it sometimes but it is nothing compared to when I was in collage.

(preparing jump to my LOve LiFe. . . . . . . . . . . . . initiating hyper jump)

5
4
3
2
1

JUMP!!!

Maybe that is why I am still stuck with the same man today (I had a weird habit of breaking up with guys after a year). Ha this is embarrassing but hell. I love the man I am with because he made me feel alive. No not in the whole lovey dovey way but I remember the reason why I fell in love with him is because he made me feel like a kid again. You know how kids are so eager to learn and everything is new and they are full of wonderment when they learn something? Well that is how Ramon makes me feel. I remember ransacking his stuff and exclaiming wao or ooo. There were all these little things that made me want to know more about what happened in his life and who this person is. There’s so much stuff to read and explore, I really love going over to his place. Ok I can go on and on about how wonderful he is but I have learnt that people tend to get bored after 2 or 3 minutes. But what can I say, writing this down made me realize that I still do have these feeling its just that they were buried under a ton of stoopid things which Ramon calls silly thoughts.

(Get ready for THE END)

Was backtracking and rereading my blog. I think my thoughts are kind of scattered today. I really don’t know where this blog is heading to but I do know for a fact that I can write easier before I sleep in the wee hours of the night (…or should I say morning???). I think maybe it’s because I am a night person. After all my dad always say that I was more active at night even when I was in my mother’s womb. Hmm I seem to be going off track again, so I think I will stop this blog for now cause its going nowhere.

10 days In 1 PAragraph

2004-11-17T01:43:00.000+08:00

Back blogging made me shut down for ten days… that and the fact that I don’t have an Internet line at home. So here I am back in uni supposedly studying for my finals.

What happened these past 10 days? Honestly I don’t really remember other than the fact that I went to some Deepavali makan fest at my neighbours place and another makan fest when I went and visit my grandma in Sitiawan, Perak. Its really weird but 1 week can seem like ages to me. So all I can tell you is what happened to me right before I started writing this
Right what have I been doing? I have been reading other people’s blogs. I don’t know I think I have come to a conclusion that reading too many people’s blogs puts me in a writer’s block mode. I think I will lie down now. Maybe it will help. Or maybe I will go watch some movies or something like that. **Sigh**

As you can see I am fickle minded.

close Shave

2004-11-08T07:40:00.000+08:00

1. Me thinks : I wonder how am I going to 'do' Andy's head. Ahh..when is Lena going to decide?

Lena thinks: I hope she doesn't cut off his ears...Oh gosh I was pissed but no one deserves this.

2. Me : This is the first time I am shaving...umm it feels good

3. Finn: Let me show you how a work of art is done

4. Lena : Oh My gawd I can't breath. Andy looks so sexy. Must remind myself to ask paikyin to give me a haircut too.

*disclaimer everything here is a fiction of my mind. All credits to me and only me.Muahahahaha*

saturNday

2004-11-08T07:10:00.000+08:00

MORN -ing

Rudely awaken by the sound of my hand phone ringing. Mom called to tell me that she got to talk to me. I got down from Des’s apartment only to realize that I had to walk there. This is happening at 8:20 am, when I slept at 6am. Of course during the entire walk, I was pissed of and was thinking that if she wanna “talk” she could at least not let me walk…
Revelation
Found out grandma had a stroke. I didn’t really absorb what she was saying at first. That and I don’t think I feel comfortable letting my mom see me upset.
Got home and tried calling Ramon. I guess he would still be sleeping. Finally I messaged him to call me when he gets up. I only realized I was distraught when I caught myself pacing while telling Ramon about my grandma.

AFTER - noon

I have to get to s.space. Jam! Jam! Jam! The whole of KL is in a jam. We had to send the car for servicing because the steering wheel was vibrating. Mom had to get to KL city centre and I was suppose to drive to s.space. Finally resorted to taking the LRT. By the time I got there it was 4:00 pm aargh.
At S.SPACE
We were doing voice projections today and I missed almost half of it. We were suppose to read a text on the spot. I picked Dorian Gray because I am familiar with the story. We were supposed to watch out pronunciation, intonation, speed etc.
David was the first to go. He couldn’t get into character because he got distracted by laughter(Something funny must have happened). Next up, Michael. What I remembered most about his performance was the how dramatic he made it when he had to be in pain when he was to read his text. There was a lot of body movements and in a way I guess it helped him because he was visualizing the scene. I was supposed to go next but since Idora had to leave early she went before me. I loved the way Idora read when she was suppose to be an 80 year old gypsy woman. Its amazing how she was an old gypsy woman just by using her voice its just amazing.
Well when it was my turn it wasn’t so amazing la :P I cried and it is embarrassing.
I couldn’t concentrate and apparently I have dyslexia. It didn’t bother me to much because its something that I could fix. I guess what bothers me the most about grandma’s stroke is this whole sense of helplessness. I mean in my life I always felt like nothing is impossible as long as there is a will. It’s just a matter of getting my motivation up. But when it comes to grandma, I really felt helpless. There is nothing I can do. I feel myself trying to grasp every second in life and trying hard to accumulate it so I can spend every second of it with her but I can’t. Death is an integral part of life that I know. Thinking about losing my grandma made me think of how many people I love and how I take it for granted that they are alive. Shaken that I was (sounds so Yoda-ish). Every moment with my love ones are precious and it is so easy to forget that.
Erm to the rest of you sorry I was lost in my world after that.

EVE-Ning

It is off to the National Arts Gallery. Thumb a lift from Sums. She is bursting with energy (too much sugar). Kinda reminds me of a chipmunk. I was supposed to go to the art gallery in the morning to view Jorg Shimon Schuldness exhibition. The Swiss ambassador was supposed conducting a tour of the exhibition for students. Didn’t go cause traffic jam and news on grandma.
I have been to a few exhibitions before but often alone and mostly in KLCC while waiting for mum to get off from work. I really had a lot of fun going to the gallery with company because there are some things that they pointed out that make me re-arrange my outlook. Idora took us to her piece and I really wondered what would happen if we found it. Would we be like one of those snotty people who go hmm…? Some how I don’t think so. Mum came and I introduce her to the rest of the gang. I think mum kinda enjoyed Idora’s piece.

nighT

Arrived home pretty late at about 9. Called pa and apparently grandma is ok. He sounded fine and that made me feel better. Going Zouk tonight after meeting up with some ex-collage mates in Passion. Got a few drinks from mates in Passion and then headed back to Zouk. It was 2am when we re-entered Zouk and the music is way better than last night. I got really high (on music and a dash of alcohol)

-M O R N A F T E R E V E - N T -

CLEO’S birthday bash at ZOUK...

2004-11-08T07:06:00.000+08:00

Trivia

1. I went with Des, Melia, Ashley and Caroline.
2. We were the 1400++th patron
3. People were queuing from 4pm in the RAIN.
4. I felt like stealing someone’s goodie bag.Grrrr

Went back to Zouk at 11 and partied like hell. Told dj Fono that I like his music and surprise surprise, Des and I got to get on the guest list the next day.

Moral of the story : A little compliment goes a long way

On Me being a flaSher and reMiNiScing

2004-11-04T04:43:00.000+08:00

Flasher in the food court

Lets see what happened today. Oh I went to Ikano with my roomie and her friend Janice. Saw 2 kids on a leash and images of people taking out their pet dogs came to mind. I was buying food when my button on my trousers popped and the worse thing is that my pants are held together by Velcro (the Velcro is where the zip is). Yes it was an embarrassing moment for me.The Velcro couldn’t stay shut and well, let’s just say I would be flashing more than just undies if you get my drift.

Was clearing out some space on my hotmail account and came across emails from my theater mates in 2001. Was reading emails from Shawn. He was the producer and I was the assistant. He is definitely one flirtatious bastard :) Apparently his kryptonite is a smile (from pretty gals of course lol). Its weird but reading his emails and thinking about the times spent with him, the last time we met really sticks in my mind.

The Last Meeting in Hartamas

It was our first meeting after theater was over. We met at Devi’s a mamak in Bangsar. At first it felt a little weird and we were just talking surface level talk. I know I definitely had this thought “Well I guess we have nothing to talk about after theater huh!”.
His friend came over later on, pretty nice guy though I can’t remember his name. Anyway we ate, had small talk and then proceeded to Hartamas for shisha. Things loosen up after that but seriously guys don't try banana flavored shisha. It tastes like artificial bananas ... bleh. After his friend left we started mamak hoping and this is where the weird shit happened.
Weird Shit
We were sitting at a table outside (…thinking about it makes me freeze up a little) and we were just chatting. I don’t know how long we talked but after a while I felt this really dark presence. I only took noticed of it after sms-ing this guy (Ramon) whom I liked then but I was in denial (he is now my bf la). It started from a distance on my left. As it came closer it seemed that my surroundings became darker even though light was emitting from the mamak. This presence was definately coming our way. I can’t really remember all of it but I did know that at one point I felt it behind me and it was so dark but powerful. It felt like it was consuming all of my energy and was trying to break me. Wait I think it felt more like it wanted to get inside of me or it wanted me to embrace it or something like that.
I really got to say that it was dark. It wasn't evil, just very dark.It felt like within it nothing existed except for depression, despair and a feeling of hopelessness and that was all it knew. It definitely didn’t originate from me. I mean I had my bouts of rainy days but nothing like this. Hell I was scared (still a little freaked out now just thinking about it) but I have a rebellious streak in me and I guess that kept me from giving in at first. During this whole time both me and Shawn didn’t utter a single word. Finally I decided to get up and go to the ladies. I thought that this presence would go away but it didn’t. I felt it followed me, though it wasn’t as strong as before. I think it went away after I just mentally gave away when I was still in the restroom. Shite I remember peeing and still feeling the presence. It felt like I have done some sort of deal just to get it of my back (literally).
I got out of the restroom and went back to the table. I guess it all won’t seem so real if Shawn didn’t say that he felt the presence too. In a way when he said he felt that presence I was relieved because it meant that I wasn’t going crazy but it really made the “deal” seem more real.

--can’t write about this no more –

My heart feels heavy after writing this incident but it makes me more determine to go through with things with Ramon. I don’t think that I am that same person in that story. Need my sleep. Good night world.

*May no one ever have that kinda of presence within.

An ode to great friends

2004-11-03T05:03:00.000+08:00

I got a letter from my mate in Australia 2 days ago. We’ve been friends since I was 16. I find it a little weird(in a good way) how when I start doubting about things and start getting messed up in my life, her letters or email turns up. I guess I could say that I am a lucky person because I have great friends to turn to when things start to go downhill.

Back to the letter, what struck me as odd was that she said that maybe I am afraid of happiness. Now that sounds rather gloomy because who wants to be sad right? In truth I think in a way I embrace sadness. I honestly don’t know if I am afraid of happiness or I feel guilty for being better off than most people. Is it right to feel sad inside and yet have nothing bad happened in your life? I really don’t know. All through my life I felt like I was an observer not a participant in life. That is until I did theater in 2001.

It sounds corny I know but I really felt like finally there is a purpose in my life and there was some sort of direction my life was heading towards. Maybe because I find it some magical that total strangers can come together and allow each other to glimpse a side that is buried deep inside. Maybe I have always believed in magic and theater got me to be more of a participant in life, not just an observer. I honestly can’t say. I envy the people who know what they want to do in life. All I know is that for now, theater has a hold on me.

Still I guess there is a small part of me that is shut off from the world. I know that hiding behind masks and this “self-protective” wall we create to shield ourselves actually makes us weaker rather than stronger. I know that to not open up to people is just a form of cowardice and it can hurt the people close to us, but it really is so hard to let go of this safety net that we build for ourselves. This self made cocoon feels so much safer as oppose to taking risk with disappointments, frustrations or being betrayed. I guess the people who do not put up barriers are the stronger ones because they have less fear and more faith in humankind.

I say this is an ode to great friends because without them I would not have had as much faith in friendship and if I don’t believe in friendship I highly doubt I would believe in Love.

weedflower

2004-11-02T06:33:00.000+08:00

This is the story of how weedflower came to this world.
Weedflower came to being because of a story I read a long time ago.

Weedflower

The story begins with a little girl (not me, just a random girl la).One day, this particular little girl passed an abandon field full of bright red poppies basking in the afternoon sunlight. To the little girl it was the most beautiful flower she had ever seen and she begged her mother to let her bring some poppy seeds home to plant in their garden. Like a sensible adult the mother said no, for these poppies were nothing more than just common weeds in the mother’s eyes. Well this little girl was perplexed as she couldn’t understand why her mother would not want to have these “flowers” in their garden. She went home and dreamt about her garden filled with bright red poppies. The next day she secretly brought back some poppy seeds in her pocket and planted the seeds in the garden. The little girl waited for the poppies to grow and when the flowers bloomed the little girl was naturally delighted. However the poppies grew rapidly and soon consumed the entire garden. The little girl’s mother tried to get rid of them but couldn’t. After some time the family moved.
Many years passed and the little girl grew into a young woman. She came back to the house she once lived. The house was abandon and in shambles but all around the compound was filled with bright red poppies. When the young woman saw the poppies, she smiled and was brought back to the time when she was a little girl. In her eyes the poppies are still the most beautiful flowers in the world.

---The End ---

Well that is how this nick came about. Weed to the mother but flower to the little girl. If you ask me to describe myself I think this story says it all.
This story really made me think about people’s perception of the world around us. It is a little sad that the older we get the more jaded with the world we seem to be. I guess this story helps to keep the little girl in me :P
*Plus doesn’t anyone remember picking “flowers” for your mother. The “flowers” I picked for my mom were love grass.

Picture off the Net