Saturday, February 26, 2005

What i have been up to

It has been some time since I last wrote. There are some issues that I have been avoiding.

Still am in a way.

What i have been up to
I have been sorting out myself. You see I am plague by self doubt and insecurities. It would seem that most people have that problem too but as of yet I am too self involved to make myself readily available to those that needs a shoulder to cry on. At times I feel that I am stuck in a deep hole that I personally dug and lie down willingly. The worse thing is the I know my problem and I am unmotivated to fix it. I find that I at times I am unmotivated to do anything in life. Especially studies. I can blame it on the education system in Malaysia but in the end it still boils down to me. I don't make it interesting for myself.
I want things presented my way. I want it my way and that is my fault.

I would like to try my luck as a writer but since I am plague by this self destructive disease of being fearful, I find that what I am writing right now to be not who I really am. In a way I am practicing self censorship because there is a part of me that is afraid . I am afraid that if I open myself fully (even if I am sort of “anonymous”) it would make me vulnerable. Yes even in this obscure world of the Internet.

There has been many times when I told myself and my friends that to open up to another human being would mean that you are a stronger person as oppose to one who do not trust and forgive another. Yet right now I find it hard to open up. It is sad that fellow human beings are mistrustful of each other especially city folks. It is interesting to note that trust is earn and not freely given. What I find most distressing is that when a person who opens up to people with pure and good intentions are often envied and surrounded by malicious people. I have a theory on why this happens. My theory is that people who are good and at peace with themselves often induce the worse of the people who craves it.
Alright I am talking about one particular person and I wrote it down on a piece of paper.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

eVeRythiNg iS About ME + my Miracle

note : this is written in a some what confused state of mind which left me deranged. The end result seems to be in some form of poetry.

Poetry??Erm it claims not to be one.

Being - everything is about me

Got a weird feeling within me
And it is eating my insides.
I am choking on the bile.
Feels like I am being suffocated
I want to escape but I am tied down.

This is not poetry

But this is how I am feeling
Right now.
I am a frustrated individual
And this is my release.
Of some kind

I want to try new things

Held back by myself and fear.
I have stopped living on the edge.
The sound of rain calms me

As I try and find the words to express how I feel.

I am frustrated with myself

Then I get frustrated
With the people around me
And the World in general.
Than its back to me again.

Frustrated with myself
Because I feel lost and yet
At the same time swamped
With everything around me.
Everything is about me.


I miss the YA’s. I think going on long periods without theater makes me feel this way. Maybe its because in a way I need magic to fuel me.

I witness a couple of fashion shoots and I found myself fascinated.
I joined theater and I am hooked onto magic.


I know people don’t believe in magic and miracles but maybe people just stop believing in it because it is all around us. In a way it is amazing that a seed can become a tree don’t you think so?
It’s the same with theater. I fell in love with theater because its like being on the edge of an explosion. You see everybody just pooling in all this raw energy which leads to the end of the line and there will be this massive explosion of energy that makes everyone smile with relief and yet there is a sadness that lingers on for the moment that can never be reclaimed. It’s the same feeling when I saw the fashion shoot albeit less intense as compared to theater.
I guess in a way what fascinates me is creation itself. It doesn’t matter if I was a part of it or just witnessing it.

It is a miracle.

That is what inspires me.

That is what fuels me.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

what Is ThiS all About? iRoNy, HeartAcheS and ShuttiNg Up

Had a fight 2 days in a row. Yesterday I had issues with my sister and the day before it was with Ramon and my emotions. So which should I start on?
I guess the fights had to do with me as a person. When I fought with Ramon I wanted something from him and with my sister she wanted something from me.

BackGround Check

Before I go on, I should inform you that I don’t have a really good relationship with my mom. Moms are suppose to be supportive and look out for you. Well in a way my mom do too it just didn't come across to me that way during my teenage years and it carried forward. My mom has the typical Asian view that kids will always need guidance (I guess it holds true for all moms in general regardless of race and culture) and its not a bad thing. However I think there is a vast difference between dispensing advice and expecting a person to follow your “advice”, because in the end don’t we owe it to ourselves to live our own lives. If I made a mistake in my life, it's my mistake and there is no one to blame but myself. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway, making mistakes and learning from in. Growing from it.

Well anyway back to headaches and heartaches I guess it is pretty obvious that being with a stubborn mule like me means that the general atmosphere in my family isn’t all that pleasant all the time but I think we had our moments. My family isn’t the type of family who is expressive with emotions other than anger and reprimanding/nagging each other but still no family is perfect right :) Things could be worse and at least we all love each other no matter how much we argue. Ahh hormones kicking in (Ok I am making excuses again) ...

The fight with Ramon
In short (because it involves someone else other than myself) I had trouble communicating with him. I know that communication is important but sometimes it is so exasperating to be talking to someone who is overly detailed and can’t handle emotions. I agree that talking when you are overly emotionally isn’t all that good but sometimes when I am really frustrated or upset I don’t know what to do. Admittedly that I find it hard to seek solace in another and it comes out as me being angry so I probably deserve it but I feel so alone. I think I’ve always felt alone its just that when you had someone who was there for you even for the briefest of moment, you become painfully aware of how cold and empty and it leaves a void within that needs to be filled.

(Gosh this sounds needy)

Yes I think that is just my problem. Afraid of sounding needy. Afraid (or is it too stubborn?) of asking for help.
What I realize from the fight with Ramon is that to communicate is a 2 way thing. I can’t just try and tune in to his brain all the time. He got to meet me halfway. We both got to meet each other halfway. Having communication problems with Ramon made me realize that to understand what other people is trying to tell me, I got to tune in to them and meet them halfway too. I guess I have been stubborn and always telling myself that other people aren’t in the same wave length as me blabla and that is valid enough for me then to just shove them aside. Which on the side note make me lose out in getting in touch with people and ideas.

(Hmm food for thought…)

The fight with sis.
It’s about mom. I realize yesterday that I was so bitter. Bitter that my mom wasn’t the mom all nice like in the story books etc and she is probably bitter that I wasn’t the perfect daughter (which I find really hilarious at this moment because of the irony in it) You see I have in a way always felt that my mom didn’t except me for who I am and I hated it. Well I am laughing (mentally la) as I write this because I got a taste of my own medicine and I didn’t realize this until now. *Sigh*(Happy sigh). I guess what my sister wants is for everyone to get along though she didn’t say anything when I asked her and I am going to try my best to withhold my tongue. As I told Ramon, there is a time for questions and a time to shut up

Its time for me to Shut Up

Thursday, February 03, 2005

This is what I wrote earlier

I believe that …

… God is every where.
…. Love is God and God is Love
… to appreciate God we just have to look around at Nature
…people who claims that their religion is right is astray
…organized religion is just there to guide mankind and is not a necessity
…religion is pure and what corrupts it is mankind
… the belief in God is good enough
… a person who questions God is on to path to finding God
… to search for God it is not the destination that matter but the journey itself

I admire…
the person who has found God because he seems to be at peace with himself and the world around him.

I am still searching for something. Is it God? I do not know. There are some who would say that I am lost. Yes I am lost but I would like to find the way out myself

Why do we need God?
Maybe we need God because it gives us an assurance that what we do matters and there is some form of retribution. Maybe we believe in God even though it can’t be proven because we need Hope.

On the Issue of God

Before reading on do take note that I don’t subscribe to a particular religion but my ideas and ideals lean more towards Tibetan Buddhism.

I think that there is a piece of God in every one of us and everyone is capable of experiencing God. To me God is Love and every time we Love someone selflessly we are closer to God. I think that is what I am searching for. Love. Do take note that the Love that I am searching for does not come from a person. Maybe its idea that Love can make the world a better place because when we Love people would have more faith in each other. With Love maybe people would try and understand each other instead of trying to hurt one another. For me the belief in God is good enough. I choose not to subscribe to one particular religion because I saw hypocrisy in the people who claimed that they were good.

The path to hell is paved with good intentions
I really get annoyed by strangers who preach to me about God. What makes them think that their views are right? After all right and wrong is rather subjective isn't it? I think that everyone has their own version of what or how God is like. God is a personal thing, thank you very much.

Religion is something pure that got corrupted by the doings of man. I have friends who lost faith in their religion because they see hypocrisy and some its because they need to through the journey of finding God.
I think a person who questions is on the path to finding God. People who can’t take questions about their religion or faith makes me think that they are insecure and follow with no direction.

Heaven and Hell

This is our heaven or hell. Ever wonder why is it that someone who seemed to have nothing still seem contented. I have met a person who has found God and he was at peace with himself. To me he was the richest person ever for he had something that even money couldn’t buy.
Hell is a sort of trapping of the mind. A person who has his own demons to deal with.

Naz came and asked me what I was doing. Got embarrassed and closed up